Broken: Book 1 in the Broken Series
by JudesWarpaint
Summary: A freak accident threatens the life Jude and Connor have built together leaving one of them fighting for life and the other wishing he had been there to stop it. The journey hasn't always been easy but there have been some amazing parts to the life they have made for themselves. One phone call changes everything leaving them bot thinking about how they got to this point in life.
1. He Can't Be Really Gone

**(15 years in the future)**

His job scared the hell out of me but he was doing what he loved. So who was I to try and stop him. every time he walked out the door I wondered if this would be the night I would get that phone call saying he was hurt in an accident. Some of the fires were pretty bad I knew and he never told me about those. I knew it was because he didn't want me to worry but I always did anyway. I had to tell our kids daddy was going to be fine when they asked me. The thing was in the back of my mind I had the same fears they did.

I had seen movies like _Backdraft_ and _Ladder 49_ and they were some of the reasons his job scared me. I had begging him once to get a safer job and he had laughed at me. He told me he wasn't cut out to be a high school English teacher like me. I loved my job and I loved the fact that I was teaching at Anchor Beach. I just had to accept the fact I hated his job and leave it at that. He loved his job as much as I liked mine.

After putting the kids to bed these were the things I thought of when he wasn't here with me. if I lost him I don't know what I would do. He was supposed to be home from his 24-hour shift at midnight and I always waited up for him. It always excited me to know I would have him all to myself for 2 days. For two days I didn't have to worry if he would come home or not. All I had to think about was the birthday party we had planned for our little girl.

I got out papers to grade and turned on some music before I sat down on the couch. I glanced at my phone and saw it was nine o'clock. I had three more hours till he walked through the door and into my waiting arms. I sighed as I began to read the papers I had to grade. The assignment had been to create a dystopian society of your own. We were reading The Hunger Games series. They were book I had loved as a teenager and the class seemed to really be getting into them. I gave the first paper an A and put it in the read pile to my left.

Just as I picked up the next paper when I heard Kourtney screaming. I got up and ran to her room. When I got to her room, Colleen was comforting her. She had come to live with us a few years ago when her family died in a house fire. She was only two and the only survivor. We already had Colleen and Sam when we adopted Kourtney came along. Then a few months ago Misty came along.

I sat down on the bed and Kourtney climbed up in my lap sobbing. She often had nightmares about the fire. The doctor had called them night terrors. Most nights she would wake up screaming like tonight. She hadn't had one in in four months. Since we officially adopted her to be exact. I knew from the way she was shaking this had been a bad one.

"Dad I couldn't breathe and I couldn't get out of the room. I was stuck under all these boards and it was crushing me. But daddy was there and he keep telling me it was going to be alright. Then I closed my eyes and he was gone," she sobbed.

We sat there in silence for a while. I told Colleen to go back to bed I had this now and I watched as she left the room. This was the first time one of us had been in her night terrors. I'd be lying if I said that didn't scare me. why was he there. I tried to comfort Kortney as much as I could. She finally settled down and I laid he back down. I stroked her hair till she fell back to sleep then I slowly left the room and closed the door leaving it open just a crack.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I got this really bad cramp in my back and had to hold on the railing it hurt so bad. I had never had back problems before and the only health I had was the knee injury that had ended my football career in college. I tried to take a few deep breaths but I felt like I was suffocating. I sat down on the bottom of the steps and knew something was wrong. That's when my phone rang.

"Hello," I said as I hit the button and put the phone to my ear. I recognized the panic in my voice as I said it. I knew as soon as the phone rang something had happened to him. I knew him so well it was his pain I felt a few minutes ago.

I heard nothing but coughing on the other end of the phone. It sounded like the person was choking on something.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"It's me. I may not make it out of here and I just wanted to say I love you," he said hoarsely.

I didn't recognize the number he was calling from. It wasn't his phone number that had appeared on my screen.

"Don't do that! Do you say goodbye!" I sobbed. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet. He couldn't leave me like this. It was my worst fear come true.

"I can see them…" he coughed again. "There all dead… no one is moving…" he trailed off.

"Baby I love you stay with me okay," screamed like I thought he couldn't hear me for some reason.

"Can't…so…hard…to…breathe...now…" he whispered and then there was nothing.

I screamed and the phone fell from my hand. I heard all the kids come running down the stair behind me but I couldn't move. My chest hurt so bad and I just stared at my phone on the floor. I could hear them talking to me but I couldn't answer. I couldn't find the words. My ability to speak had been taken from me.

"We have to do something," I heard Colleen say.

"But I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him," Sam said.

I knew he was trying to get me to say something by saying fuck but I couldn't even find the words to reprimand him. As my kids talked around me all I could think about was him. I thought about the life we had together. We had been through so much and we got through it. We would get through this too. He couldn't be dead right? I couldn't lose him because if I lost him I lost myself too. I lost my best friend and the man I loved more than anything else in the world. I had put him through so much and he always found a way to forgive me. I felt like I was being punished though. Why was this happening to me? what had I done to deserve this?

 **A/N: Who do you think it is? Are they dead? The next chapters will be flash backs of how we got to this point in the story. You won't find out who it is or if they are okay till the end of the story. So what and see and read all the Jonnor drama that happen to them in life.**


	2. Football and the Popular Kids part 1

**A/N: In the first chapter Connor is 29. Jude is 28. Colleen is 9. Sam is 15. Kourtney is 4 and Misty is 16. It has been fifteen years since the day Connor moved to LA. Just wanted to clear that up because someone asked.**

 **Jude (age 16, July before Junior year at Anchor Beach)**

All I could think about was saying goodbye to Connor earlier as I sat in the porch swing on my porch. Something had seemed off all month during his visit. He seemed distant at times almost as if he wanted to forget about me and was just spending time with me out of obligation. I knew I was probably just reading too much into it. I had to understand we both had lives separate from each other now. What I didn't understand though is why it hurt so much that he would rather go back to LA for football practice than spend time with me.

Maybe I was just being selfish. I was proud of him for making the varsity football team. It was something he really loved and when he had made the team he was one of only three freshmen who did. He had been so excited when he called me to tell me. He had even joked about me become a cheerleader so he could date the captain of the cheer squad. That was never going to happen though. I had never been able to go to a game he played but I was planning to change that this year. I had my driver's license and could now drive myself to LA. My moms had already said I could go as long as I took Jack with me.

Jack had become a fixture in my life. He was one of my only friends besides Connor and Taylor. Taylor had a big crush on him. He led her on all the time but something wasn't right about that situation. He told her he wasn't ready for a relationship but he flirted with her all the time and she ate it up. I had never seen her act that way before. When I met Jack it was right before Connor was left to live in LA. He seemed really cool and we had started hanging out. Connor acted like he was jealous of Jack, no matter how many times I tried to explain to him we were just friends and Jack wasn't gay. Connor's reasoning was we were just friends at first too. He was so insecure sometimes it pissed me off. Almost like he thought I was going to cheat on him with every guy I talked too. I still didn't get him sometimes.

I looked up to see Jack pull up in Mike's Mustang. Since Mike had his foster license and A.J. had moved away he took in Jack a few years ago. Jack seemed finally happy with Mike and it made me happy to see my friend happy. He hadn't been so happy when we first met. I watched as he got out of the car and came up the steps. He sat beside me on the porch swing and I tried to smile at him.

"So Connor's gone?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said back.

"Oh sorry I missed him," he said.

I could tell by his tone he really wasn't sad he missed Connor. He and Connor tolerated each other for my sake. I wished my boyfriend and my best friend would get along better. I knew I couldn't make them like each other and I wanted to be able to spend time with them both. The only time they got along was when they were playing video games together.

"Why is he so jealous of me?" Jack asked.

"Does he have reason to be?" I asked. It came out of my mouth before I could think about it. Jack had never made any indication he liked me for more than a friend. Nonetheless he got a strange look on his face and I wanted to take the question back.

"No offence but I think Connor is hotter than you," Jack said back.

"So I should be jealous?" I asked.

"No I'd never try to still your boyfriend. Remember bros before hoes," he shot back.

I laughed when he said that. "Wait so are you saying you're gay?"

"No I'm pansexual," he replied.

"Let's go in and play some video games," Jack suggested after a long silence.

 **Two months later… Sept. of Junior year**

I sat in the stands of the football stadium at Connor's school in LA between Jack and Connor's mom. The game was boring to me partly because I had no idea what was going on. People were jumping up and screaming all around me but I eyes were focused on how good Connor's butt look in the tight pants. He was standing on the side lines with his back to us. He had his helmet off and he was all sweaty. His hair was wet like he just got out of the shower.

He turned around and looked right at me as he smiled and waved. I couldn't help the big grin that spread across my face as I waved back. A few girls behind me giggled and I rolled my eyes. I looked over at Connor's mom and she smiled at me. I smiled back. I knew there was something underneath that smile. It was like she was trying to tell me something but didn't want to say the words.

"God number 13 is handsome as fuck!" one of the girls behind me said.

"Too bad you're not his type," another girl informed her.

"What does that mean I am every guys type," the first girl said.

Jack and I both smirked at that.

"Trust me you're not his type. Look Lacey I know you're new here but I thought you would have heard by now," one of the girls said.

"Heard what?" Lacey asked.

"Lace, Connor Stevens does bat for our team," one girl giggled.

I turned to look at them and let them know I heard their conversation. I wasn't sure if they actually knew me. if they weren't friends of Connor's they had no idea who I was or that I even existed. I had to smile as the Lacey girl stared at her friends like she had no idea what they meant.

"Lacey he's gay!" the girl to her right said.

I turned back around to see that the game was over. Connor's team had won 32 to nothing. We made our way down the stairs and I noticed the same girls were still behind us. The Lacey girl just would not let it go. She thought her friends were lying to her.

"I can change that," she began. "All I need is some time alone with him."

"He has a boyfriend. Some guy who lives in San Diego," one of Lacey's friends said.

Jack nudged me in the side with his elbow and Connor's mom smiled at their conversation. We made our way to the field house to wait for Connor. Connor's mom dropped us off and said she had to go because she had work early in the morning. Jack and I stood there as Lacey and her friends approached us. Jack smiled at them. He was always so comfortable around girls but I had to admit even though I was gay they made me nervous.

"Hey your cute, I'm Lacey," she said to Jack.

"Jack," he said giving her a flirty smile.

"And Jack who's your friend?" she asked running her finger down my chest.

"This is Jude," he replied.

I just stared at her. five minutes ago she was into Connor and now she was trying to move in on Jack. I watched as guys started to come out of the field house. Some guy came up behind one of Lacey's friends and hugged her. Her face let up as he did and she laid her head back on his shoulder. I spotted Connor before he saw me. it had been a month since I saw him and he looked so good. He was talking to a guy I recognized. I had met him before and I think his name was Wilke. That was just what they all called him because his last name was Wilkinson.

Connor made eye contact with me and headed my way with Wilke right behind him. When he got to me he kissed me right there in front of everyone. I knew it was common knowledge Connor Stevens was gay around his school, but he was the quarterback of the football team and popular. So no one thought anything of it. Unlike me who was I nobody at Anchor Beach and got teased on a day basis for my sexuality.

"So you bringing lover boy to the party Stevens?" Wilke asked.

"Will I'm sure as hell not letting him out of my sight, so I guess he has to come," Connor said as he pulled away from the kiss and put his arm around my waist.

I looked over at Lacey who was staring open mouthed at me. I gave her a look like that's right bitch that's my guy you were talking about. She looked away finally turning her attention back to Jack. I had a feeling Jack was getting lucky tonight if he wanted too. I looked at Connor as he had a conversation with Wilke and another guy I didn't know. I also knew Connor wanted to get lucky too. He had been trying the whole month he was there this summer. I just wasn't ready and I told him know several times during his visit.

"Well babe let's go," Connor said.

"I'll ride with Jack," Lacey announced.

I smiled at Jack and raised my eyebrows. I reached in my pocket and handed him the keys to my car. As we walked away Connor held my pinky with his. Ever since that night in the movie theater it was how we always held hands. At his car Connor opened the door for me which always made me smile. I got in the car and Connor went around to the driver's side and got in.

As we pulled out of the parking lot he put his hand on my thigh. I thought about this party we were headed too. I had never been to a party. I had never even been invited to one back home. I had heard about the epic Friday night parties around school and I knew if this party was anything like those parties there would be drinking. I was never I big drinker and I realized I wasn't sure if Connor was or not. I had never seen him drunk before or even drink for that matter besides a glass or two of champagne at his dad's wedding when he had snuck a glass for us. He had ended up drinking his and mine too because I didn't like it.

"I love you," Connor said out of the blue.

"I love you too," I said back.

We stopped at a red light and Connor leaned over and kissed me. His hand traveled further up my leg and his tongue slipped into my mouth. We were so lost in the kiss we didn't noticed when the light turned green. The truck behind us honked and Connor pulled away flicking off the person behind us. I looked at him shocked.

"It's Wilke don't worry. I'd know that monster truck anywhere," Connor said as he accelerated.

Once we got to the house where the party was, we got out of the car. Sure enough the truck pulled up and parked behind us. Wilke got out and laughed as he approached us. Connor leaned up against his car and pulled me close. I felt his hard on brush against my leg and knew the kiss had had the same effect on him it had on me.

"Dude were you seriously just making out at the red light?" Wilke teased.

"Yeah, jealous?" Connor teased back.

"Hell yes! But if I had a cute little piece of ass like Jude I'd do it too," Wilke admitted.

"Wait your gay?" I asked.

Wilke smiled at me and winked. "Why you gonna dump Stevens for me?"

Connor's arm tightened around me possessively. "Not a chance in hell Wilke."

We started walking towards the house and Wilke still hadn't answered my question. Connor looked at me and said loud enough for Wilke to hear, "Yes he's gay and he's a manwhore."

 **A/N: There are hints everywhere about who is who in the first chapter. If you're paying attention it isn't hard to figure out. Sooner or later I will have to reveal it though because as we get further along in the story their jobs will be important parts of the story. So what will happen at the party? Any predictions?**


	3. Football and the Popular Kids Part 2

**Connor**

Jude sat on the counter behind me with his legs and arms around me. I couldn't express how good it felt to have him here with me. I missed him so much sometimes and no amount of phone calls, text messages or facetime could substitute for him being here to touch. He hardly ever came here to LA. I always went to San Diego. I had thought about moving back to San Diego several times now that my dad had finally realized I wasn't going to change. He had finally accepted my relationship with Jude. The only thing was I loved my life here in LA and I loved playing football. If I went back to Anchor Beach I went back to being a nobody. With college recruiters circling around that wasn't even an option.

I took a sip from my beer bottle as I talked football with some of the guys. I wasn't drinking much tonight. Well not as much as normally did anyway. This was only my second beer. Jude sighed behind me like he was bored. Then he started kissing my neck trying to distract me. His lips felt so good on my skin and I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips in the middle of the conversation. When Jude pulled back the neck of my t-shirt and kissed my collar bone I was no longer paying attention to the conversation.

I turned around and started kissing him forgetting we were standing in Carson's kitchen with a bunch of people around. I put my hands on his lower back and pulled him closer to me. He laced his left hand through the hair at the base of my neck. He was trying to get my attention and he now had it. He knew what that did to me. Jude was a master at playing my body. Of course we had had a lot of practice.

"Damn Stevens, get a room!" Wilke called as he came into the room.

I flipped him off over my shoulder as I pulled apart from Jude. Jude smiled at me and I smiled back. I stepped away from him a little and he hoped down off the counter. I kissed him lightly and went to get another beer and a coke for Jude. That was when I noticed Jack come in the kitchen. he made eye contact with Wilke and they smiled at each other. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I headed back to where Jude was standing.

"I think Jack has just been Wilke's latest conquest," I whispered in Jude's ear.

Jude looked at me with wide eyes then at Jack. Jack was talking to Wilke as he sipped a beer. He looked back at me. "How can you tell?"

"Trust me. I've seen that look on other guys. Hell even a few girls before he came out. And he loves virgins," I said.

"Then I'll stay away from him. I'm saving that for you," Jude announced.

I laughed and nodded. Wilke had tried and failed to get in my pants several times. I felt a little guilty about the fact that I had let him kiss me. I had never told Jude. I wasn't even Wilke's type. He normally went for guys like Jude. Football players were not his style at all. In my defense I had been really drunk, but that's no excuse. It had happened at the end of the year party this summer before I went to San Diego. I had tried to tell Jude several times I just didn't want to ruin our visit.

"Let's get out of here," I said to Jude.

I sat my half drunken beer on the counter and took Jude's coke from him sitting it beside my beer. I glanced at Wilke and he winked and smiled. I rolled my eyes. He had a dirty mind and I could only guess what he thought as I pulled Jude out the back door. As soon as we were outside I pushed Jude up against the wall and attacked his lips with mine. I knew my kisses were rough but Jude was kissing me back just as rough. Jude put his hands on my butt and pulled me closer. As out hips ground together I pulled away from the kiss and sucked his neck like I knew he liked.

His hips bucked harder against mine and the friction it was creating was driving me nuts. My name came from his lips breathlessly. I took my head away from his neck and looked at him. He had that look in his eyes he got when he was extremely turned on. I wanted to just turn him around and pound him right here. All summer he had told me no every time I tried to take it to the next level. I wonder how far he would let me push it here. I was so tired of being the only virgin on the football team. I know it was petty but sometimes I wished Jude would just put out already. I mean it had been almost four years.

"I want you," I whispered seductively in his ear.

"I want you too," he whispered. "But no here. Not like this Connor. Your friends are literally on the other side of this wall."

I stepped away from him then. Literally all my friends had hooked up at parties. I didn't see why it was such a big deal to him. I was tired of hand jobs and blow jobs. I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. It's not like it was some random hook up. I loved him and I still love him afterwards.

"Connor don't do that. Don't be mad," Jude said.

"I'm not mad," I lied as I turned away from him.

I put my hands on the rail to the deck and looked off into the grass. Jude knew me well enough to know I was lying. I didn't even know why I was mad. Jude came up behind me and put his arms around me. the fact that I could feel his hardness pressed into my butt didn't help matters. Even if he said he didn't want to have sex his body betrayed him. He put his chin on my shoulder and I smiled.

"Connor you know I love you. Trust me when I say telling you no is hard for me. it gets harder and harder all the time, but I want our first time to be special. As girly and cliché as that sounds," he tried to assure me.

"I love you too Jude, but don't you get tired of this rut we seem to be stuck in?" I sighed.

"Look I have heard about all my siblings first times and they weren't all that special. I don't want my first time to be that way."

I knew he was right. I needed to make it special for him and for me. You only got one first time.

 **A/N: So do you think Jack and Wilke hooked up? How far did Connor actually go with Wilke? Will Connor ever get Jude to say yes to having sex? Have you caught the hits as to who is who in the first chapter? I think most of you know.**


	4. Sunday Afternoon Drive

**Jude**

On the drive back to San Diego Sunday afternoon Jack was quiet. He was always a little quiet but today he was quieter than usual. I glanced over at him and he was just staring out the window. I turned my attention back to the road and thought about Connor. This had been a good weekend and I hoped there would be many more like it. Besides our little fight at the party everything had gone well. We'd spent all day Saturday curled up on the couch watching movies and had a heavy make out session before Connor's mom came home from work and caught us on the couch.

"I had sex with Wilke," Jack announced out of nowhere.

I glanced at him again and he was still looking out the window. I smiled. Connor had been right. I knew Wilke was his best friend in LA so he would know him better than anyone else. I wondered for a second if anything had ever happened between Connor and Wilke. After all Connor and I were just friends first and look how that tried out. I pushed the thought from my head and thought of what to say to Jack. He looked distraught.

"Twice," he said after a pause.

"Twice?" I asked.

"Yeah, first at the party and then on Saturday," Jack said. "We hung out while you and Connor were having boyfriend time."

"Was it the first time you had sex?" I asked. I was curious. I remembered what Connor said about Wilke liking virgins.

"At the party was my first time."

I sighed. That wasn't a great place to have sex for the first time. I wondered why someone would do that. Jack was my best friend and I wanted him to be happy. I knew Henry Wilkinson was not he person to make him happy though. He was a player and not ready to settle down with anyone. He was one of those type of people who had given more rides than Greyhound.

"I don't know what to say," I finally spoke.

"It was amazing both times. On Saturday we talked some too. Surprisingly we have a lot in common," Jack said.

Oh no I knew that look on his face. I had seen it many times. On my face when I looked in the mirror and thought of Connor. It was the look Taylor got when she looked at Jack. I had also seen it on Connor's face when he looked at me.

"I think I like him Jude."

"Look Jack, Wilke is a player. He'll never settle down and be with just one person," I tried to convince him.

"You don't get it. He was different with me. We exchanged numbers and we're gonna talk and text. He said he can't wait till I visit again."

We were silent the rest of the drive. I let Jack off at Mike's and drove home. I didn't know what was going on between Jack and Wilke. I was so afraid Jack was going to get hurt by all of this when Wilke decided he was done with him. I didn't want to have to pick up the pieces when Wilke shattered his baby gay heart. Since I'd known him Jack had never been in a relationship. Now he had given his virginity to someone who probably didn't even care. I always thought he would eventually give in and date Taylor. It didn't look like that was going to happen anytime soon.

"Hey bubba," momma said as I came past the living room.

I stopped at the living room and said high to her. She was curled up on the couch reading on her ereader. I said hi and told her how my weekend had gone. I had talked to her early in the summer about Connor pushing me for sex but she didn't ask about it. I had promised to talk to her about it if we ever did. We had become really close over the years, especially since I was the only child left in the house.

We finished talking as she went to the kitchen to make dinner and I went to my room. I kicked off my shoes and laid down on the bed. I took my phone out of my pocket and sent Connor a text.

 **Jude:** made it home safe. Miss you already!

 **Connor:** miss you too babe

 **Jude:** I can't wait for next weekend

 **Connor:** me either. Speaking of next weekend Wilke wants to know if you're bringing Jack?

 **Jude:** if I want to come I have too. that's part of my moms' rules

 **Connor:** Wilke is excited. I've never seen him act like this over someone. What happened between him and Jack?

 **Jude:** IDK but Jack is the same way

 **Connor:** Wilke likes him

 **Jude:** the feeling is mutual Jack told me they did sleep together and Wilke was his first

 **Connor:** yeah I did get that out of Wilke but he won't stop talking about Jack. Now I know how he feels when I talk about you all the time.

 **Jude:** I gotta go momma's calling me to set the table for dinner. I love you!

 **Connor:** I love you more

I sat my phone down on the nightstand and went downstairs to help momma. It was going to be a long week. As I set the table I thought about next weekend. I was going to let loss and maybe drink a little. Let down my inhibitions a little and see what happened.

 **So Jack and Wilke have a thing for each other. Did you see that coming? Could Jack be the one for Wilke? What will happen next? We may go ahead in time and see what's happening. I will always tell you were we are in time at the beginning of the chapter if changes to avoid any confusion.**


	5. Almost Caught In the Bathroom

**Connor (age 17, November of Junior year)**

Wilke and I pulled up in front of Jude's house at half past ten on Saturday morning. I was surprising Jude for his birthday. He hadn't been able to make my football game last night and I missed him being there. Most of our weekends had been spent together over the past few months. It was easier to see each now that we could both drive and didn't have to rely on the train.

Wilke was out of the car before I could even take the key out of the ignition. I smiled. I had never seen him act like this over a guy or anyone for that matter. He had changed so much since he met Jack. I had to almost run to keep up with him. Once we reached the door I knocked and I watched Wilke fidget back and forth like he couldn't contain his excitement. Lena answered the door.

"Hi boys," she greeted us and stepped aside so we could come in. "Jude and Jack are upstairs."

I laughed as Wilke took the stairs two at a time.

"Leave the door open," Lena called from the bottom of the stairs.

Wilke stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at me. I could tell be the look on his face he wasn't used to the door open rule. I just shrugged. I was used to it here. That's the way it had always been in this house since Jude and I started dating.

"Just keep one eye open and listen for the creak in the fourth step at all times," I advised him. I shared with him the little trick Jude and I had picked up on over the years.

When we got to the door it was open. Wilke turned to look at me again. "What happens if I close the door?"

"Be prepared to be in the living room under adult supervision the rest of your visit," I warned him.

"No wonder the two of you are still virgins," Wilke joked.

I faked a laugh. I was so tired of him teasing me for still being a virgin. At least I would give my virginity to someone I cared about, not some random girl I barely knew. I also wanted to say at least it didn't take me sixteen years to figure out I was into guys but keep my mouth shut. He had finally figured himself out and he seemed to really like Jack.

I noticed Jude wasn't in the bed when we came into the room. Wilke went straight for the couch on the other side of the room partition where Jack was sleeping. I laid down on Jude's bed with my legs crossed and my hands behind my head. I closed my eyes and tried to tune out the kissing noise coming from the other side of the room. The last thing I wanted to do was invade a private moment between Wilke and Jack.

I heard the shower come on in the bathroom and knew Jude must be showering. The thought of him wet and naked in the shower made me instantly hard. I had seen him naked before so it wasn't hard to conjure up the image in my mind. Then I heard Wilke or Jack moan. I wasn't sure who it was but I couldn't take it anymore. I got up without looking their way and went into the bathroom. I was glad Jude had neglected to lock the door but I turned the lock just in case.

I put my hands on the counter as I leaned up against it and waited as the bathroom filled with steam. Jude always liked his showers scolding hot. I didn't and it was part of the reason we never showered together. I couldn't stand the water as hot as Jude liked it. The water turned off and Jude pulled back the curtain. He grabbed the towel with his eyes closed and dry his face. As he dried the rest of his body he still didn't look my way. I watched him admiring his body as I did. He wasn't muscular like me but he was toned. He was no longer that scrawny like kid I met when we were thirteen.

He looked up and our eyes met. I had thought my presence in the bathroom would startle him but it didn't. He just smiled at me as he wrapped the towel around his waist and came over to stand in front of me. I broke eye contact and looked at the little beads of water his hair was forming on his skin. He was so close to me I could feel his breath on my face. Before he could kiss me like I knew he wanted too, I licked the water from his chest.

Jude let out a soft moan as my tongue made contact with his skin and through his head back. I took the opportunity to start kissing his neck. I was trying to take charge which was rare for me. After those first two kisses in the tent and in Jude's room he had been the one to take over as the aggressor in our make out sessions and I had been glad to let him. To be honest it frustrated me so much because he would take it almost to the point of no return then when I tried to push it further he would say no. Almost like he was saying no I am in control leaving me wishing he'd just fuck me already.

Our lips finally met and it didn't take long for the kiss to become heated. Jude ground his hips into mine and his towel fell to the floor. As our tongues stroked each other's he started to unbutton my shirt. Just the top three were undone as he lightly touched my chest with his fingers. I couldn't hold back the moan that came from my mouth. Jude knew just how to touch me and just how to play my body so I was putty on his hands.

Just as he was about to undo the rest of my shirt there was knock on the door. We both panicked when Wilke' voice said, "Fourth step."

Jude jumped away from me and I ran from the bathroom buttoning my shirt as I went. I just had time to sit down on the bed and pull out my phone as Lena appeared in the door way. I glanced behind me to see what Wilke and Jack were doing. Jack was laying in the bed on his side and Wilke was lying beside him on top of the covers.

Jude came out of the bathroom in his towel. Lena glanced his way as he came into the room. She and Jude had always been close and I knew she knew something was up. Jude and I both avoided looking at her. no one spoke as Jude went to his dresser and picked out clothes. I was so nervous. I didn't know why no one said anything. Even though I was sure it was only a few seconds it seemed like hours.

"So what do you boys have planned for today?" Lena asked.

"Well Jude and I are going to lunch with my dad," I told her.

"I thought maybe Jack and I would get some lunch and go see a movie," Wilke announced.

Jude and I exchanged a, yeah right, glance. Since Mike was probably at work they would go to Jack's house so they could have sex. I couldn't believe he had just outright lied to Lena. It's not like I had never lied to Lena before because I had. Stef though was a different story. She scared me and I couldn't lie to her even though I had tried to once.

"Well don't forget to be back here for family dinner for Jude's birthday at six," she said as she turned to leave.

"Wow that was close," Jude sighed standing there in a towel with his clothes in his hand.

"For you guys maybe," Wilke said. "We were just talking. There is no way I am spending all my time with any one's mom in my shit."

"That was nothing," I said. "We've been caught before in some compromising positions."

"Like the time your dad flipped out when he caught us making out with our shirts off?" Jude asked.

"Yeah or the time Jesus walked in on the blow job?" Jude smiled.

I still remembered the look on his face when he walked in on that. I laughed to myself because I also remembered how Jude never slowed up and he just kept sucking. The way he flipped Jesus off while still sucking when he said he wouldn't tell too.

"Your brother caught you giving Connor a blow job?" Wilke asked Jude.

"Yeah, he deserved it after some of the things I caught him doing."

"Jesus is hot!" Wilke said.

"And he's as straight as a ruler," Jude said as he went into the bathroom to change.


	6. Its My Party

**Jude (age 17, November of Junior year)**

I stood in the kitchen and watched my moms setting up for my birthday in the backyard. I had tried to convince them a party wasn't necessary but momma had said nonsense. My birth was something to celebrate. Now I was a little embarrassed. I didn't know Connor was going to come much less that he would bring Wilke with him. I didn't want Wilke to see how lame I actually was. Taylor and Jack were really my only friends, so there wouldn't be many people at this party besides my family. It would be nothing like all those parties in LA.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and inhaled. I knew it was Connor without even having to look. He smelled so good. He kissed my neck and my senses went wild as he started to suck the spot right above my collar bone. A soft moan escaped my lips as I put my hand on the back on his head and put my head on his shoulder.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"I love you too," I said back.

He dropped his arms and I turned around to face him. He kissed me softly. I quickly took the kiss to the next level by nipping his lip with my teeth like I knew he liked. He ground his hips into mine so I could see how my kisses affected him. I knew he could also see I was just as affected by the kisses as him. He pulled away from the kiss and kissed the other side of my neck, nipping lightly with his teeth.

"God Jude, do you know how much I want you?" Connor said in my ear.

I knew how much he wanted me. I don't know why I held back so much. I wanted him too but I just wasn't ready. After four years I knew what Connor wanted but sex was a big step. It wasn't something I took lightly like Wilke did. Sex was something that happen between two people who loved each other. Don't get me wrong I knew Connor loved me and I loved him. My fear was what if we didn't like sex. I had scared myself looking up all these things on the internet about anal sex.

"I want you inside me Jude," Connor spoke in my ear again.

I kissed him again and was about ready to say fuck it and head for my room. His tongue pushed its way into my mouth and our kisses became more passionate. I forgot we were standing in the kitchen as I started to unbutton Connor's shirt. We didn't stop kissing as I ran my hand down the muscles of his chest. he shivered as my fingers touched his abs.

"Oh sorry," I heard from beside us.

I looked up to see my grandma standing there. She was smiling really big. "Hi Grandma."

"Wow I feel like I walked in on something that could have escalated very quickly," she said still smiling.

"Sorry I forgot where I was for a second," I apologized as Connor buried his face in my neck.

"You know if you two want to take this upstairs I can forget I saw you and pretend I don't know where you are if someone asks me," she suggested.

I watched as she turned and left the kitchen. Connor looked at me and I knew the next move was mine. If I took him to my room and we were alone I didn't know how far it would go before we were discovered. If we got caught I would be grounded and wouldn't get to see him at all next weekend. Was it really worth being grounded?

Without thinking about it any further I grabbed Connor's hand and led him through the kitchen and up the stairs. In my room we left the door open and I pushed him up against the wall behind the door. As we kissed he put his hands on my butt and pulled me closer. Our hips were grinding together and the friction it created was bliss. We both wanted more. This time though Connor was the one holding back.

I backed away from the wall towards the couch on the other side of the room taking Connor with me. Connor pushed me down on the couch. I watched him as he took off his shirt and threw it to the floor. He straddled me on the couch and ground his erection into mine. He threw his head back and moaned as he continued to grind his hips into mine. I ran both my hands down his chest. When I reached his pants I bit my lip and hesitated. He made I eye contact with me. I could see by the look in his eyes he was turned on. I knew I had the same look on my face. I had never wanted him more.

I slowly undid the button and zipper of his pants. I put my hand inside his boxers and wrapped my hand around him. I smiled as he bunked his hips. I had learned just what he liked years ago. I knew just how fast to pump and just how hard to grip him. It was something we had both perfected down to a science. We both knew all the right spots and the right ways to touch each other.

I increased my speed and Connor was making those little noises he makes when he is close. He put his hands on my knees and leaned back. I watched his face. I loved to watch his face when he came. I slowed down and controlled my hand as he got closer.

"You like that don't you?" I asked.

"Yesssssss," he hissed.

"Tell how much you like it Connor," I whispered.

"Oh…God…Jude…don't stop…" he said through pants.

I watched him as he came undone in my hand. His hand gripped my knees hard as he dug his finger nails into my knees. His grip was hard I'd probably have fingertip sized bruises on my knees later. I put my other hand over his mouth to try and stifle his moans. He was getting really loud. I didn't want to be overheard. I smiled to myself as I saw his eyes roll back in his head and he came in my hand.

He looked me in the eyes still panting. I realized I didn't have anything to wipe my hand on, so I did something I had never done before. I never took my gaze from Connor as I brought my hand to my lips and licked it. Connor's eyes got really big as he watched me. You see I wasn't a swallower like Connor. I always pulled away just in time.

Connor kissed me and tasted himself on my lips. He trailed kisses down my neck and lifted my shirt. He left a trail of kisses down my chest as he got off my lap. He kneeled down in front of me and undid my pants. I could tell where this was going and I was ready for some relief. Connor had excellent blow job skills. It usually only took a few minutes for him to make me come while screaming his name. Today though I had to force myself to be quiet.

I lifted my hips and Connor pulled my pants and boxers to my feet. The sun had just begun to set as Connor wrapped his lips around me. Within seconds he had me bunking my hips into his mouth. I guided his head up and down with my hand. The suction he had as phenomenal. My breath was coming so quick and I couldn't control it.

"Jude, its time for dinner," I heard from the doorway.

"Okay I'm coming soon," I said as Connor didn't let up.

I wasn't sure who the voice belonged too because I couldn't think right now. I was falling over the edge and trying to not to say scream Connor's name as loudly as I could. I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood. I wasn't sure if whoever was at the door left or not. I could hold back the moan that I was trying to suppress.

"Momma said don't make her come up here," the voice said. I realize then it was Mariana.

"I'll be done, shit, I mean down in few seconds," I said a little more breathlessly than I intended.

"Okay," I could hear the smile in her voice. She knew exactly what was going on.

I heard her footsteps as she walked away. I shuddered as I came and watched as Connor just kept sucking tell I was done. Connor sat up and licked his lips as I tried to catch my breath. We needed to go down stairs and pretend we were just up here getting each other off.

Connor got up off the floor and grabbed his shirt. I stared at him as he got dressed. He was so beautiful. I couldn't think of a better word to describe him. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I don't know why I was still holding back. I made the decision right then and there when he visited on Christmas was the right time. I would give him my virginity for Christmas.

"Get up and get dressed before your mom really does come up here," he said pulling me up from the couch.

Once I was dressed we went downstairs. It was super quiet in the house as we walked through it to the backdoor. When Connor opened the door for me and I walked out everyone yelled surprise. I jumped. I was surprised by all the people that were here. It was not only my family and Jack and Taylor but Mike, Anna and Isabelle. I spotted Sofia in the corner talking to Wilke and she had brought her boyfriend and her friend Abby who had a crush on me. Callie had Cole with her. Even A.J. and Daphne had come from Washington. This was going to be the best birthday ever.


	7. Mistakes and Broken Promises

**Connor (age 17, December of Junior year)**

I woke up with the worst hung over ever. My head was pounding like someone took a sledgehammer to it. I opened my eyes but closed them again really quick when the light in the room made my headache worse. I knew I needed to get up. My mom would be up here any second to make me do chores all day since she was off of work today. Then we'd have lunch and just spend the day together. I had become such a momma's boy since I moved here. I had never been really close to my mom which was why I chose to live with my dad when they divorced. Now that was all different. Even though my dad had come a long way in his acceptance, we weren't as close as we used to be.

I laid in the bed and thought about Jude. I missed him last night. He couldn't come up because Jack was grounded for something and Jude's moms wouldn't let him drive up here alone. He had even tried to get Taylor to come with him but she couldn't. Wilke was in a bad mood all night because he couldn't see Jack until next weekend. We had both made a pact that we would get so drunk we couldn't see straight this weekend and we had succeeded. I had never had a hungover like this in my life.

I panicked as someone moved beside me and my eyes shot open. I slowly turned my head to see Wilke lying beside me. We made eye contact and I could see he was just as confused as I was to see us in bed together. When he spent the night we never slept in the same bed. Hell my mom had just recently started letting Jude sleep in bed with me.

I looked down and realized Wilke didn't have a shirt on and neither did I. We were never around each other unless we were fully dressed. This was bad, really bad. He moved to get up and as the covers slipped off we were both shocked to see he was naked. I moved my hand under the covers and realized I was naked too. this just went from bad to worse.

"Fuck," I said under my breath.

"Yeah looks like we did that," Wilke said like he didn't feel bad at all.

We had just cheated. I had cheated on Jude. All those years of saving my virginity for him and I had lost it to Wilke! I closed my eyes again and tears stung my eyes. I knew I had to tell Jude about this. I was already keeping the fact that I made out with Wilke from him but this was bigger than that. If I told him though he would probably break up with me. I opened my eyes and looked at Wilke again. He was sitting on the edge of the bed running his fingers thorough his hair.

He turned around and looked at me. I saw he had put on his boxers while my eyes were closed. We stared at each other for a few seconds. Neither of us knew what to say to each other. I felt the tears sliding down my face and I didn't wipe them away.

"Are you seriously crying?" Wilke asked me.

I sighed. He didn't seem upset at all that he had just cheated on Jack with me. I wondered if he would even tell him. I had heard him last weekend tell Jack he loved him when he thought no one was listening, but last night was just Wilke being Wilke right? It meant nothing, to him at least. To him I was just another virgin to add to his list of conquests.

"Get your pussy ass out of my bed Stevens," Wilke tried to joke as he got up and threw a pillow at me.

He left the room and I got up. I searched the room for my clothes. There was a piece here and a piece there as I went around the room picking them up. I dressed quickly and almost ran from the room and down the stairs. I had to get out of here to think. Once I was in my car I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror. I noticed a massive hickey on my neck and sighed. I grabbed my sunglasses from the seat beside me and put them on and then pulled my phone out of my pocket.

 **Connor** : sorry I didn't come home last night. Am I in trouble?

I sent my mom a text.

 **Mom** : what do you mean? You called me saying you were staying at Wilke's last night. You sounded a little drunk so I said it was okay.

Great, how lame am I that I drunk dialed my mom and don't remember. I wondered for a minute what else I had done. I had to talk to Jude and make this right somehow. I still didn't remember having sex with Wilke but waking up in his bed naked was a bad sign.

 **Connor** : can I go to San Diego? I need to talk to Jude

 **Mom** : sure is everything okay?

 **Connor** : no but I need to talk to Jude about it first

 **Mom** : okay but be home by midnight. I love you baby

I smiled.

 **Connor** : love you too mom

I threw my phone in the passenger seat and started the engine. Once I was on the highway headed to san Diego I tried to rack my brain and remember what happen last night. All I had were bits and pieces of what happened. I remembered drinking, drinking a lot, way more than I normally did even when Jude wasn't there. I remembered being hesitant when Luke dared me to take a body shot off Wilke but I did it anyway. After that everything got fuzzy and I can't remember anything. Apparently I had called my mom sometime last night.

I made it to San Diego in a hour and a half. I parked outside Jude's house and noticed his car in the driveway. Lena's car was gone and Stef was probably at work so I knew he was home alone. I got out of the car and was suddenly nervous as I walked to the door. Something didn't feel right. Why the hell were my hands sweaty and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up? I rang the doorbell when I reached the door and a few minutes later Jude answered. He looked like he hadn't slept all night. His eyes were puffy like he'd been crying.

"What the hell do you want?" he asked.

Oh god! Had I called him and don't remember? I didn't know what to say to him. He was so mad at me and I didn't know why. What hurt more was I was only going to make it worse by telling him I slept with Wilke. I sighed. All Jude did was stare at me. He was expecting an answer and I honestly didn't have a clue where to begin.

"Can you talk?" I asked.

"I have nothing more to say to you," he said as he tried to slam the door in my face.

I caught it with my hand. Football had taught me to have lightning fast reflexes so I didn't even have to think about it. I wanted to talk and see what I did to make the boy I loved hate me. because he was going to hate me even more when I told him where I had woken up this morning.

"What the fuck, Connor?" Jude asked. "You come here after what you said and did last night and expect me to talk to you? You have some nerve."

"That's just it Jude I don't remember anything about last night," I confessed.

Jude gave me a look like he was trying to see if I was lying or not. He had a knack for telling if I was lying or not. I couldn't lie to him about anything. He came out and shut the door behind him I followed him to the porch swing and we sat down. He stared at the ground like he was choosing his next words carefully. He looked up at me.

"You called me and acted like you were pissed I couldn't make it. We had a big fight and you told me to go to hell," Jude said as fresh tear slid down his face.

I could tell there was more by the look on his face. I reached out and put my hand over his and he jerked his hand away. He got up from the swing and went to stand by the rail a few inches away from me. I leaned against it and looked at me again.

"You seemed pretty drunk so I didn't think anything of it. since you had been drink I thought maybe you didn't mean the things you said to me," he sighed.

I waited for him to continue. I had to know what else I had done. I tried really hard not fight with Jude over the phone, but being in a long distance relationship made that hard. We had had our share of fights over the years but apparently as far as Jude was concerned this was a deal breaker.

"I thought you'd call me today and apologize then I'd forgive you and apologize too. I thought we'd be okay but you broke us Connor and I don't know if I can ever forgive you," he said as a sob escaped his throat.

I wanted to go to him and tell him I was sorry. But I didn't know what he knew. I wasn't even sure I had gone all the way with Wilke since I couldn't remember but chances were good I had. I needed to be sure before I told Jude though. I had really hurt him by doing or saying something I didn't remember. Fuck this just kept getting worse

"Please tell me what I did," I said staring at him.

"You honestly don't remember?" he asked with a questioning look on his face.

"No, I don't," I said as I shook my head.

"My phone rang this morning about two am and I noticed it was you so I answered. I smiled and thought aw how sweet he can't wait till in the morning to make up. When I answered you sounded strange, like you'd been crying but I knew that wasn't it," Jude paused.

I watched as he put his hands on his knees and took a few dep breathes. He stood there like that for what seemed like forever. I could tell he was fight back a panic attack. He hadn't had one of those in years. What I had said to him must have been bad. I hated myself at that moment. I wanted to take it all back. To just go back in time and change everything that happened last night, but I knew I couldn't. I had to face the consequences of my actions.

Jude stood up straight and continued. "You were whispering and I had to listen hard to hear you…"

The memories came flooding back as he spoke. Wilke had taken me up to his bedroom and I had gone willingly. He told me to call my mom and see if I could spend the night because I was too drunk to drive home. I called her and she said it was okay. Then we started making out. I was upset from my fight with Jude and very drunk and Wilke took advantage of that. After we had sex I felt so guilty I had called Jude and told him. I believe his words were to tell me to fuck off and never speak to him again.

"Jude look he took advantage of me. I was really drunk and he pretended to be back now I know he wasn't as drunk as I was," I started.

"Don't make excuses Connor. Plain and simple you fucked Wilke," Jude said crudely.

"You see that's just it. When I called you I was crying and I was upset. I remember now. I told him no and he just kept pushing me and pushing me further and further. He held me…" I trailed off.

"Wait so are you saying he raped you? That is wasn't consensual?" Jude asked.

"Rape is a strong word to throw out there."

I thought about that. Was it actually possible? I mean I had heard of date rape but I thought that only happen with girls. It had never occurred to me it could happen between two guys. My hands started to shake and I couldn't breathe. Jude kneeled in front of me and took my hands in his. I didn't trust myself to speak and tears stung my eyes again. I didn't want this and I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I wanted to bolt and not think about this but it felt so good and reassuring the way Jude was holding my hands. I looked down at his hands in mine and he spoke.

"Connor you have to tell someone. If that's really what happen then what Wilke did is not okay."

"Jude I can't accuse him of rape even if that is what happened," I sighed.

"I understand but who's to say how many other people he has done this too? I have a feeling you weren't the first but you need to be the last," Jude tried to sound reassuring.

"No I can't. Something like this would ruin me. You don't understand anything," I screamed in his face.

"Connor if he raped you I'll stand by you through this," Jude said.

He was so reassuring and it scared me even more. He was so quick to forgive me after this revelation but the thing was I couldn't forgive myself. I outweighed Wilke by at least twenty pounds. I could have fought him off if I had really wanted too. I had said no but I kept kissing and touching him. I got up from the swing and pushed Jude aside. He landed on his butt and I didn't even turn around. I just got in my car and drove away.

 **A/N: So I made Wilke a bad guy? Did he really rape Connor? Or is Connor using it as an excuse? Will Connor tell anyone else about it? What do you think will happen next?**


	8. What He Remembers

**Jude (age 17, December of Junior year)**

I went back in the house after Connor left. I went into the kitchen and got a water from the fridge. I needed to clear my head. I had thought this was all cut and dry. Connor had had sex with Wilke. He had given Wilke something that was supposed to be mine, but maybe it wasn't what it seemed. I really wanted to believe Connor when he said he didn't remember any of it. I wanted to believe that Wilke had forced him. I never really liked Wilke all that much anyway, so it was pretty easy to believe he was the bad guy I the situation.

I sat down at the table and sighed. Connor had picked a fight with me last night, which he often did when he was drinking. I hadn't thought anything of it. I thought he'd just call in the morning like he always did and apologize and everything would be good. The phone call at three am had thrown me for a loop. I had thought his tears had just been his guilt eating at him but maybe it was something more. I wondered how much he actually remembered form last night.

I noticed the computer on the table and I grabbed it. I opened it and search date rape. As I was reading over the results momma walked into the kitchen. she glanced at the computer before I could shut it. I panicked for a second as she sat down next to me. She looked at me like she was trying to think of what to say. I took a sip of my water and got up to leave.

"Jude is there something you want to talk about?" she asked.

I had my back to her and I sighed. I turned to look at her and she had a concerned look on her face. I was sure she had seen what I was searching on the computer. Great I couldn't tell her any of this. It wasn't my place to tell her. I struggled for a minute with how to approach this conversation without giving too much away.

"Why were you looking up date rape?" she questioned me.

"Someone I know said it happened to them and I was curious about it," I said as I sat back down at the table.

I knew this conversation would get intense quickly. She looked at me like she thought I was lying. After people always used that when they were really talking about themselves. I thought for a minute I knew I had to choose my words as carefully as I could. She grabbed my hand and smiled at me like you know you can talk to me about anything.

"Don't worry it's not me. I promise I'm still a virgin," I tried to assure her.

"If you know someone this happened to you need to encourage them to report it Jude," she said.

"He won't," I answered.

She raised her eyebrow when I said he. I could tell now she really thought I was lying about it not being me. She sighed and squeezed my hand gently. She looked worried and I didn't know how to tell her it wasn't me without telling her who it was Connor.

"I just didn't think a guy could be raped," I said honestly.

"Jude if anyone is forced to have sex without their consent its rape," she started. "And date rape is a big thing that goes unreported a lot because most people know the rapist."

"Yeah I read that," I said. "Can I go to my room? I really don't want to talk about this."

"Okay but it you need to talk later I'll be here," she said as I got up and left the kitchen.

I laid on my bed and grabbed my phone off the night stand. I looked at the time and realized it had been about two and half hours since Connor left. I was worried about him. He hadn't been in the best emotional state when he left here. I tried to call him and got his voicemail. I had given him enough time to get back to LA, so I called three more times only to get his voicemail all three times. That was when I decided to call his mom.

"Hello," Maggie answered.

"Hi did Connor make it back yet?" I asked.

"No Jude. He called me and asked if he could stay at his dad's tonight. I said yes," she said.

"Oh okay I was worried about him since he wasn't answering his phone."

"Jude did you two have a fight or something? He sounded really upset and like he'd been crying," she sounded as worried about him as I was.

"Sort of, I mean we did have a fight but it wasn't really a fight. Does that make since?" I asked.

"A little."

"I gotta go make it right or at least try too," I said.

"Okay I don't like to see him so upset."

"Me either, bye."

"Bye Jude."

I hung up and got my car keys. I went downstairs to the kitchen. Momma was still sitting at the kitchen table and she had some papers in front of her. I watched her for a minute. I wanted to tell her everything. I really needed advice on how to handle this. It was such a delicate and sensitive subject and I wasn't sure how to handle it properly. But I couldn't tell her and it made me sad that I was put in this situation in the first place. I didn't blame Connor though. I blamed Wilke!

"Momma, Connor is at his dads. Is it okay if I go over there?" I asked.

"Of course,' she answered.

A few minutes later I pulled up behind Connor's car. Adam was home too because his car was in the driveway. I shut off the car and got out. I walked slowly to the door. I didn't know what I was going to say to Connor because I still wasn't sure how I felt about all of this. I needed to know what he remembered about what happened. I knocked on the door and Adam answered.

"Oh hey Jude," he said. "Come on in."

He stepped aside and I entered the house. I was still nervous around Adam when we were alone even though he and I had come to an understanding a long time ago. He was finally accepting of mine and Connor's relationship and we even had a mutual respect for each other now.

"What's wrong with Connor? Do you know?" Adam asked.

I sighed. "Yeah I have an idea."

"He came in here crying and just went up to his room. When I tried to ask him he told me to get the hell out," Adam told me.

"I'll go talk to him."

I headed up the stairs to Connor's room. When I got there the door was closed, so I opened it without knocking. I found Connor sitting on the bed hugging his knees rocking back and forth. His hair was wet like he had just gotten out of the shower and all he had on was a pair of boxers. He had his head turned away from me and he didn't even turn to look at me when I came into the room. I sat down on the bed and he turned his eyes to me.

He had this sad look in his eyes. They seemed so flat. All I wanted to do was hug him until all of this went away but I was afraid to touch him. I didn't know how he would react to my touch and I would be heartbroken if he pulled away from me. So I just sat there waiting for him to talk.

"I feel like such an idiot Jude," I began.

"Do you remember any of what happen?" I asked.

"Some like bits and pieces," he said as he sobbed. "I feel like I let you down Jude."

"Connor please tell me what you remember."

He looked away from me again. I watched as he tried to control his sobs before he spoke again. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know all the details but I needed Connor to tell me what happened. I needed his side of the story before I made any judgements on what to do next. My next move depended on what he had to say.

"I was really drunk Jude. We were both really drunk. I remember going up to his room with him and he kissed me. I'm so sorry I kissed him back…" he started sobbing again.

"Is that all you remember?" I asked.

I wasn't sure I wanted to hear anymore. I had never kissed anyone but Connor. Four years and over a thousand kisses all between me and him, or at least for me that's the way it had been. I felt betrayed but I knew there was more to the story and I had to get past the feelings I was having. Connor needed me right now and I had to be here for him.

"I asked him to stop and he just kept pushing me further and further," he paused. "He pinned me down on my stomach pushing my face to the mattress. I tried to fight but he had the upper hand."

He got up off the bed and stared at the pile of clothes on my floor. I willed him to turn around and look at me. I needed him to look at me when he spoke because I had to be sure he was telling the truth. He always looked away from me with his eyes when he was lying to me, that's how I always knew. He came and sat down beside me on the bed and our eyes locked.

"I begged him to stop, but he kept saying things like stop being such a tease and I like it when you fight. So I just stopped fighting and laid there…" he trailed off.

Tears were burning my eyes now but I fought them back. I pulled him into my arms and he wrapped his arms around me resting his head on my shoulder. Anger washed over me as we sat there. I was angry at Connor for putting himself in the position for this to happen to him. I was angry at my moms for not letting me go to LA last night and at Jack for getting grounded. Most of all I was angry at Wilke because he had taken something from me I could never get back something that was supposed to be mine. He had been the one to take Connor's virginity and that was supposed to be mine. So I was mad at myself too for holding back all these years and not just having sex with Connor.

Connor pulled away and we laid down on the bed. Connor laid on my chest and wrapped himself around me as he sobbed into my chest. I kissed his forehead as we laid there.

"I don't know what to say or do to make this right," I said.

"Just hold me," Connor said. "It helps more than you can ever know."

"Connor I love you," I whispered as I kissed his forehead again.

"I love you too," he said.

I don't know how long we laid there but soon his breathe became even and I knew he was asleep. I slowly unwrapped myself from him and got up to leave. I needed to get out of here and process all of this. It was too much to handle. I still didn't know what I was going to do about it. I mean I believed him but the fact was it had still happened.

I got in my car and just drove. I had no idea where I was going. I just needed to think and clear my head. Talking to Connor had only made it worse not better. I slammed my fist on the steering wheel as I pulled up at Jack's house. Mike was coming out of the apartment as I walked up.

"Hey Jude, go on in Jack's in his room," he said.

I walked into the apartment and Jack was standing in the kitchen making a sandwich. He looked up when I came in and smiled at me. He had some nerve to smile at me. I knew it wasn't his fault but I needed someone to blame and he was on the list of people who had set this chain of events in order that had spiraled out of control.

"Is something wrong?" Jack asked as he took a bite of his sandwich.

"Have you spoken to Wilke?" I asked.

He put his sandwich back on his plate and looked at me confused. "No and I hope I never do again."

I wondered if he knew in that spilt second. I could tell by the way he said it that he and Wilke had had a fight or something. I didn't know if they had fought before or after the incident with Connor. He watched me as he ate his sandwich but neither of us spoke. He finished his sandwich and put his plate in the sink.

"Jude is something wrong? You look like someone kicked you in the stomach," Jack asked.

"Did you and Wilke break up?" I asked.

"Yeah he was being a real asshole Thursday when I told him I couldn't come to LA because I was grounded. He said something like, don't be surprised if I get drunk and fuck someone else then. I told him to eat shit if he was going to do that to me and he said we were done," Jack shrugged.

"I thought you loved him and he loved you," I asked

"Me too, I mean I love him but if he's gonna do that just because I am grounded and can't see him this weekend than he doesn't really love me like I thought he did."

He was right I guess. You didn't do that to someone you loved, if you really loved them. Cheating was never okay. I wondered if I should tell him what happened and who Wilke had sex with. I hesitated. Did he have a right to know since he and Wilke weren't together. He would have to go and face Wilke next weekend, that is if he still wanted to go with me to LA now that he didn't have a reason too.

"Yeah he licks to do things he isn't supposed too," I answered.

"What?" Jack asked confused by my statement.

"He raped Connor," I blurted out.

"Are you serious?"

I nodded.

"Wow, he was always kind of pushy when it came to sex. Always wanted to be in control but rape? Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah regardless if Connor said no or not he was too drunk to consent."

"What's Connor gonna do about it?"

"I don't know. So far we are the only ones who know and I shouldn't have told you."

"I'll take it to my grave if he doesn't want anyone else to know," Jack swore.

 **A/N: So did Jude do the right thing? Should he support Connor whatever his decision is? I know this is a sensitive topic but the title of the story is Broken right? And right now Connor is Broken. Can Jude help him fix it? What will happen? Will Connor tell anyone else? What will happen between Connor and Wilke?**


	9. Honor, Anger and Love

**Connor (age 17, Valentine's Day weekend, junior year)**

I stood in the corner, at the party, with my arms wrapped around Jude. He was having a conversation with Jack about something. I wasn't really listening though. I watched as Taylor walked up beside Jack and grabbed his hand as she kissed his cheek. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. I wondered when that had happened. I knew Jack and Wilke had broken up before that night, but I didn't know Jack had finally started dating Taylor. I was a little surprised when Jack and Jude had showed up at my house with Taylor.

I glanced around the room at all my friends. I hadn't been to a party since that night with Wilke. They made me nervous for some reason, but Jude was trying to convince me to get back into my life. Thank God though Wilke wasn't here and I didn't have to deal with him. His parents had decided to get a divorce and he moved to Nevada to live with his mom. I hadn't pressed charges on him but I had told my mom. She convinced me to see a counselor who specialized in dealing with rape victims. It was helping me to talk to someone. For a long time, I had blamed myself but now I knew it wasn't my fault.

Through the whole thing Jude had been amazing. He had been a saint. He put up with my intimacy issues and was there to just talk, even if it was two in the morning, if I had a nightmare about it. Jude had been the model boyfriend. It had all just made me love him more. I kissed the top of his head and he smiled, just as he walked in. When I noticed him my pulse quicken and not in a good way. I had to admit I was still a little afraid of him. I tightened my grip on Jude. He still hadn't noticed Wilke like I had. I had to get out of here and away from him. I just wasn't ready to face him yet.

"I gonna get a drink. You want anything?" I whispered in Jude's ear.

"Just a coke would be nice," he said back. He turned around and kissed me on the lips lightly before he went back to his conversation with Taylor and Jack.

I stood in the kitchen against the counter and took a few deep breaths. I knew there would come a time when I'd have to face Wilke. I just didn't think it would be so soon. It had only been two months since that night. The night he took what seemed like everything from me. It still hurt me when I thought about the fact that Jude would one day give me his virginity, but I couldn't give him mine. Wilke had stolen that from me, like he had done so many others. I just wasn't able to forgive Wilke yet and I didn't know if I would ever be in that place. My counselor had said I would but at this point I didn't believe her.

"Hey babe are you okay?" Jude asked as he came and stood in front of me. "I saw Wilke is here. Do you want to leave?"

"No I'm fine," I lied as I walked over and grabbed a beer for myself and a coke for Jude from the fridge.

Jude smirked. "You never were a very good liar."

I didn't say anything in response. I just grabbed his hand and led him back to the living room. Wilke looked up from his conversation and we made eye contact. I tightened my grip on Jude's hand and he smiled reassuringly at me. We went back over to the corner where we had been standing only to find Jack and Taylor making out up against the wall.

Jude started kissing me and I kissed him back. He put his hand on my face. I rested my hand on his lower back trying to pull him closer. Our hips swayed together to the music as we kissed. I knew he was trying to distract me from thinking about Wilke but it wasn't really working. I still only remembered flashes of that night, little things here and there. I was told I might never remember all of it and I thought that was a good thing. There was so much I didn't want to know.

Jude pulled away from the kiss just as Wilke walked up to us. I didn't move my hand from Jude's waist as Wilke looked at us then at Jack and Taylor. They had stopped making out and were watching me. Jude had told me he had told Jack I wasn't sure what Taylor knew. I knew she knew Jack and Wilke used to be an item.

"So Jack I see you moved on and with a girl," Wilke said with venom in his voice. I could tell he was jealous but he after all was the one who broke up with Jack. I was happy for Jack. The whole Jack and Taylor thing had been a long time coming.

"Bite me asshole," Taylor said, as she flicked him off.

"And she's sassy!" Wilke said. "I like that in a girl."

"Dream on dickhead," Taylor shot back.

"You're not my type anyway. I prefer dumb jocks these days," Wilke said as he looked at me.

"Connor is not just some dumb jock," Jude came to my defense.

I glanced at Taylor and she seemed confused so I thought in the spilt second she didn't know anything. I was kind of relived about that. I didn't want people to know about it. The less who knew the better. I hadn't really talked to Wilke since that night and I wanted to keep it that way. It was hard to believe now that he was once the best friend I had here in LA.

I watched as he stepped closer to Jude and panic rose in my chest. My hands started to shake and I wanted to run from the room. I couldn't though because I didn't want to act suspicious. Wilke looked at me and grinned, then he looked back at Jude. Jude was facing him. He wasn't at all afraid of Wilke like I was and I felt proud that Jude was willing to face Wilke down.

"I could just fuck your brains out so you and Stevens are even," Wilke whispered in Jude's ear.

"No thanks, I'm not a bottom," Jude sassed back.

Jack spit his drink which even up spraying the side of Wilke's face. I had to laugh as Wilke turned to give Jack the death stare. He turned back to Jude and Jude stared him down.

"Oh well I offered," Wilke said as he turned around. Then he looked back over his shoulder and said, "Enjoy my sloppy second, Jude."

It was loud enough for people around us to hear, but no one even looked like they gave a fuck what Wilke had just said. Wilke had probably had sex with seventy-five percent of the people at this party. Jude however lost it. He dropped his soda can and it crashed to the floor spilling soda everywhere. He walked up behind Wilke and grabbed a hand full of his hair jerking him backwards. Wilke stopped walking but didn't turn around.

"If you're gonna pull my hair you can at least ride my ass," Wilke joked. "I'd bottom for you any time Jude all you have to do is say so. I've always thought you were sexy as fuck."

Jude jerked him around and let go of his hair. As soon as Wilke was facing him Jude punched him. Hard, so hard he stumbled backwards and lost his balance. People laughed as Wilke fell on his butt with a loud smack. Jude however wasn't laughing. I could tell by his body language, even though his back was to me, he was mad. I walked over and put my arms around Jude trying to hold him back. I could tell exactly what he was thinking.

"Jude, he's not worth it, baby," I whispered in his ear.

He nodded like he understood me.

Wilke got up from the floor. I could see his eye was already starting to swell and turn colors. Jude had clocked him really good. He looked around and noticed everyone watching him. He turned his attention back to me and Jude.

"You need to learn to control your bitch Stevens," he said.

I had to tighten my grip on Jude. He fought me, kicking and thrashing, trying to get to Wilke. For someone who didn't really workout he was strong, and I was having a hard time holding him back. Jack came over and stood in front of Jude trying to help me. I had never seen Jude this angry at anyone. I had seen him angry plenty of times but this was a whole new level.

"Damn I wish you'd reconsider my offer. You'd be a firecracker in bed," Wilke said trying to provoke Jude.

Jude fought even harder to get out of my grip and get to Wilke. I considered for a second letting him go and beat the shit out of Wilke. Then reconsidered when I thought about Wilke taking a swing at Jude. I could see on Wilke's face he was having a good time provoking Jude. Jude was playing right into his hands and Wilke had him right where he wanted him. Everyone at the party had stopped what they were doing and was now paying full attention to the scene Wilke was making. I was so afraid of the things that could come out of his mouth. When no one acknowledged him he spoke again.

"Maybe you can help Stevens out cuz he's a dead fuck, unless you're into that," Wilke said with spite.

"Wilke why don't you just leave," Jack said without turning around.

"Whatever, I don't see why I was ever friends with all of you dumbasses anyway," Wilke said a she headed for the door. "Later losers."

I sighed in relief as he left. I let go of Jude and he took a few deep breaths. He turned around to look at me and kissed me roughly. It was like he was trying to claim his territory or something. He had never kissed me like this before and I liked this new possessive side of him, not to mention how much I liked the side of him that was willing to defend my honor in front of all of my friends. There was no doubt in my mind that everyone in this room now knew I had slept with Wilke, but they didn't know the whole story and they never would.

I lost myself in the kiss. I let everything else around me fade away. It had been so long since we had been intimate and I knew Jude was just following my lead. I tried to throw all my wanting into the kiss because I had never wanted him more than I did at this moment. He pulled away and looked at me.

"You wanna get out of her?" he asked.


	10. What a Way to Wake Up

**Jude (Valentine's Day weekend, age 17 junior year)**

I rolled over the next morning after the party and quietly got out of bed without waking Connor. I grabbed a pair of boxers off the floor and slipped them on. As I stood up I glanced over and saw Jack spooning Taylor on the air mattress on the floor. I was glad Jack had finally seen he belonged with Taylor. I had never liked him with Wilke and now I knew why. I wondered in the back of my mind now if that first night between them had been totally consensual or if Wilke had manipulated him the way he had Connor.

I tiptoed to the bathroom and shut the door. Once I was done I washed my hands and stared at myself in the mirror. When Connor and I had come back to his house we were alone. I had wanted to have sex but I was afraid to push him. He seemed like he wanted to take it as far as I did and he wasn't going to say no. In the end though we ended up just cuddling naked and falling asleep. Connor wasn't ready and I had to respect that like he had me so many times before.

I walked back to the room just as Connor's mom was coming up the stairs. I had to run to Connor's room and shut the door quickly so she didn't see me in just my boxers. When I walked into the room Connor was asleep on his back with one hand over his head. I knew he was still asleep because he did that cute little snore he does when he's sleeping. The covers had redden down so his chest was exposed. I walked over to the bed and ran my hand down his chest. I loved how his muscles felt under my fingers.

I sat on my knees beside him on the bed and pulled the covers down further. I bent over and wrapped my lips around him. He was already semi hard and I had him all the way down my throat in a matter of seconds. I changed my position so I was straddling his legs and looked up at him as I sucked him off. I knew the minute if was all the way awake because he moaned as he bit his lip and bucked his hips towards me. I looked up and our eyes met. He smiled then went back to biting his lip trying to suppress his moans, as he fisted the sheet tightly. I didn't do this very often. I wasn't the king of blow jobs like Connor. He seemed to like it but I was not as confident in my skills as he was.

Jude, you gotta stop! I'm gonna come," he warned me.

I pulled away and replaced my hand where my mouth had been. I was glad he had remembered to warn me. I wasn't a swallower like him. He wasn't afraid at all to suck me dry. Soon he came in my hand. I wiped my hand on the sheet and crawled up next to him. He was smiling ear to ear as I looked at him. He had woken me up like that before and I had never returned the favor until now.

He kissed me and I kissed him back. As we kissed I threaded my leg in his so he could feel my hardness on his hip. He put his hand on my butt and pushed me further into his hip creating friction. It felt so good I said his name against his lips. I pulled away from the kiss and he started kissing my neck. I knew where this was headed and I didn't want to wake Taylor and Jack. It felt so amazing as he sucked my neck and I moaned again a little too loudly. Then we both froze as he heard Jack and Taylor.

Connor looked at me as a muffled whimper came from the other side of the room. I tried not to giggle. Taylor was not being quiet at all like we had tried to be and Jack kept telling her to be quiet. I kinda felt bad because they had literally only been boyfriend and girlfriend a few weeks and they were already having sex. Connor and I had been dating for four years and I still hadn't done it yet. I wondered what I was waiting for all those times I had told him no.

"Jude don't," Connor whispered as if he knew what I was thinking. "You're first time will be extra special because you waited."

I looked at him. "But yours wasn't and I feel like that was my fault for holding out so long."

He kissed me lightly. "Our first time together will be special. I promise."

"I know but it should have been mine and not his," I said trying to hold back tears.

"Jude, don't, please. I can't take it back. I wish like hell I could," Connor reassured me.

"I know," I answered. "I love you."

"I love you too Jude and don't you ever forget it. I'll always love you," Connor said back.

"You guys really need to fuck already and get it over with," Jack said from the floor.

"Excuse me if I don't move as fast as you do asshole!" Connor argued flicking him off.

 **A/N: Okay so a little sample of Jonnor smut. Coming up will be there first time and then we will make a time jump of a few years. It will explain how Colleen comes into the picture and we may go back to 15 years in the future some so you can see who is who. Sorry this is do short but I didn't want to just leave it with them leaving the party.**


	11. The Secret I Keep From Him

**Connor (age 18, a week before Christmas, senior year)**

As I drove to my dad's house in San Diego for Christmas break, I thought about everything going on in my life right now. I had such a full plate it would be nice to sit back and just relax for a few weeks. I hadn't been able to see Jude for his birthday this year. Hell I hadn't seen him since the weekend of Halloween. It had been almost six weeks. He had been grounded and then coach had us doing extra practices because of college scouts who were coming to our games. He wanted us seniors to be on our game. I had a few college scouts whose offers I was considering. Most of them wanted to give me a full ride when the saw I was not only good at football but was in the running for the valedictorian. The fact that I was senior class president helped tremendously too.

The one I really wanted was Yale though. I had told myself I would think about it over Christmas break. I had always wanted to go to Yale for as long as I could remember and with a full ride I could. I wanted to consider somewhere closer to Jude but he was so undecided on what he wanted to do. I knew what I wanted though. I wanted to play football and major in English at Yale. I knew right then I had made my decision. I was going to accept Yale's offer. The only thing was show did I tell Jude I was moving to New Haven, Connecticut? It was literally across the country from him if he stayed in California for school.

I sighed as I pulled up to my dad's house and saw Jude's car parked on the street. I put my thoughts of Yale away for now. The next two weeks was about enjoying my boyfriend and seeing my dad. I needed to tell them what I had decided but now was not the time. My mom had been my greatest supporter over the past four years and I wanted to tell her first. I also wanted to wait until I had my official acceptance letter in my hand.

I found Jude and my dad in the kitchen sitting at the breakfast bar watching my dad's girlfriend Macy and her daughter Tamarin cooking something. I stood in the kitchen doorway for a minute and watched them. I never thought I would see the day Jude and my dad got along so well. I smiled as I thought about how far we had come. My dad had really come to accept Jude and the fact that I was gay. I had cried myself to sleep many nights in the beginning because I thought my dad didn't love me and would never accept me for who I was.

I walked up behind Jude and wrapped my arms around him. My dad turned to look at me and smiled. I smiled back and kissed Jude quickly on the lips as he turned his head back to look up at me. I looked around the kitchen and smiled widely. It was good to see my dad so happy. Tamarin turned on the radio and Macy started dancing. Jude and I glanced over at my dad and hand to laugh. He was watching her with a goofy grin on his face. He looked at her a lot like that when he thought no one else was looking. He was so in love with her. I knew he was planning on proposing this Christmas. He had talked to me and Tamarin about it and asked us what we thought. We were both okay with it of course. I liked Macy and Tamarin had never known her dad so she liked having my dad around. She was a nice girl and I liked her too. I also liked the fact of having a sister.

After dinner was over Jude and I went down to the basement. It was where I had been staying when I was here since I had offered my room to Tamarin when she and Macy moved in last year. Jude had helped me move down here. It was where we hung out anyway when he and I were both here at my dad's. No one bothered us down here and we could pretty much do whatever we wanted, which was mostly playing video games and snuggling on the couch watching old 80s movies.

Once we were down the stairs I took Jude's hand and led him around to the couch in the middle of the room. He followed me and neither of us said a word. I stood in front of him and just looked at him. I reached out and touched his face and cupped the back of his head pulling him into a searing kiss. He wrapped his hand around me and pulled my body closer to his as we kissed. We had this kissing thing down to an art. I pulled away from the kiss first. Jude's eyes were hooded with desire as I looked at him and I could feel his hardness pressed against mine. I knew just how to kiss him to get him caught up in the moment quickly. A moment that often ended with a blow job but not tonight.

I caught him off guard as I pushed him down on the couch. He watched me as I picked up the remote to the sound system and turned on the music loudly. I wanted to make sure no one heard us. I straddled him and ground my hips into his causing a moan to come from his throat. I continued to grind on him as I grabbed the hem of his shirt. He lifted his arms and I took off his shirt and tossed it on the ground behind me. I ran my hands down the muscles in his arms as he kissed my neck.

Soon we were both shirtless as my shirt joined his on the floor. This was nothing though we had been making out shirtless since we were thirteen. Now though both of us had so much better bodies. Jude had really filled out. My dad had gotten him into going to the gym with him and I could see the results on those workouts. I had to say I liked it a lot. Jude started to undo my pants and I stopped him.

"Not this time Jude," I said as I got up.

He looked confused for a minute when I kicked off my shoes and socks. As he watched me I slowly and as seductively as I could, undid my jeans and slid them down my legs and off my body. Again this was no big deal we had seen each other naked many times. I was doing this tonight though. I wasn't letting Jude leave this room a virgin. I walked back to him and my hands shook as I undid his pants. He never broke eye contact with me because he knew if he did I never go through with this. He let me take control.

When I had his pants undone, he put his hands on the sides of his hips and lifted himself up allowing me to slide his pants down over his butt. He kicked off his shoes and his pants quickly. I knew he was afraid I would change my mind like I always did at the last minute. We had really switched roles since the whole Wilke thing had happened. Jude always reassured me he wouldn't hurt me the way Wilke had done but in the end I just couldn't find out.

"I gotta get a condom," I said but I knew I would have to break eye contact to do it.

"Connor its important you maintain eye contact. If you break it, I'm so afraid you won't go through with this."

Jude knew me so well. "But we can't have unprotected sex."

"Look Connor, I've never been with anyone and you got tested after Wilke so we should be okay just this once," Jude said.

I knew he was right. What could just this once hurt. I knew once we did it this time the eye contact thing wouldn't be such a big deal and it's not like one of us was a girl and could get pregnant. I kneeled down in front of him and took him in my mouth. As I moved my mouth up and down on him he threw his head back and moaned my name. I stopped when his grip on my hair tightened. I got up from the floor and straddled him. I put my hands on his shoulders and he held himself as I slowly guided myself down on to him.

When he was almost all the way inside me I started to move. He grabbed my hips and helped me move. His fingers dug into my hips making me increase my speed. It hadn't felt this good with Wilke. It had hurt like hell but after the initial burning sensation this started to feel really good. Beads of sweat were all over of bodies as I rode him. I looked down as Jude wrapped his hand around my and started to pump up and down, which made me ride him harder. My name came from his lips in a husky voice I had never heard from him before. It was followed by a few profanities and a god yes don't stop.

A hand job had never felt as good as it did with him inside me. The way his hips moved with mine felt so amazing and he was hitting just the right spot. I couldn't hold back anymore. I dug my fingernails into his shoulder as I came in his hand. I knew he was close because he was doing that lip biting he does. I reluctantly pulled up and off of him. I wanted to see him shot. I wrapped my hand around him and pumped a few times. Jude was a shooter and he did just that all up his chest. We sat there for a few minute both smiling and trying to catch our breath.

"Damn!" Jude finally said. "Why didn't we do that sooner?"

"I don't know," I answered. "It was amazing. I thought I wouldn't like it because I didn't enjoy it with him."

I didn't say his name but I knew Jude knew who I was talking about.

"Can I ask you something?" Jude asked.

"Sure anything you know that."

"When you were with Wilke did you come?"

I chuckled to myself. "No, you may not have been my first but my first orgasm during sex belongs to you."

"I love you Connor."

"I love you too."

 **A/N: Okay so we have some inner monologue from Connor on what he plans for the future and Jonnor's first time. Do you think Jonnor will survive a long distance relationship from across the country? What will happen when Jude finds out Connor wants to go to Yale? Will he follow him to New Haven or stay in San Diego? In the next few chapters we'll find out and we'll see how Colleen came into existence There is a lot of foreshadowing in this chapter and Tamarin will make a big appearance in the next few chapters.**


	12. If I Stay

**Jude (age 18, Spring Break in March of Senior year)**

I laid on the bed while Connor was in the shower and thought about where this relationship was going after high school. I knew Connor had a lot of options as far as college. I however knew I was staying in San Diego and going to taking the firefighter training course. I hoped Connor chose a school close to me but I had to think about the possibility that he would go far away. I hated to think about what would happen to us if he did. We had worked hard to make the distance not be a big deal but sometimes even now I needed more than Connor could give. It had been weighing heavy on my mind for a while now.

I got up off the bed and went over to the window. The sun was shining and I had to squint for a minute to focus. It was a beautiful day outside and we had planned a trip to the beach with Connor's friends. I guess they were my friends too by now but sometimes I felt like we lived in two different worlds. This was Connor's life and I was just along for the ride. I glanced away from the window and down at the desk. When I did I noticed a letter open on the desk from Yale. I hadn't even known he had applied to Yale.

I couldn't help myself I read over the letter and my mouth dropped. He was going to Yale. That was so far away from California. Suddenly anger washed over me and I couldn't control it. I clenched my fists and tried to take several deep breaths. I couldn't breathe I was so angry. I didn't understand why I was so angry about Yale. Maybe the fact that he still hadn't told me or the fact that he had chosen a school across the country. When I had told him I was staying in San Diego for school he had never mentioned Yale.

His scent filled my nose as he walked into the room. I still had my back to him and I didn't turn around to look at him. I was aware as he walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my neck and I didn't response. He smelled so good and I had to fight to just turn around and kiss him. I wanted to talk about Yale but I didn't know how to bring it up. I stared down at the paper I had been reading and waited for him to see that I knew.

"Fuck," Connor said in my ear.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked.

"I was trying to find the right time," he said back.

"How about when I told you I was staying in San Diego for school a couple of weeks ago?" I said with more malice in my voice than I had intended.

I didn't want to tell you I was moving 2,000 miles away," he said sadly.

I pushed his arms away from me and walked to the other side of the room. I needed some space for a minute. 2,000 miles was a long way. I didn't know what to say. Everything I could think of I knew would start a fight and I wasn't in the mood to fight about this or anything right now. This week was almost over and it had been such a good week. We had had so much fun together but I was going home tomorrow. I didn't want to end such a good week with a fight.

"What did you expect me to do, Jude? Pick a school I really didn't want to go to just to be close to you?" Connor asked.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I asked my anger raising in me again.

"I have always secretly dreamed of going to Yale, even before I ever knew you. When I got scouted by the Yale recruiter I was surprised. I thought it was a long shot but when he saw me play and saw my grades he offered me a full ride to be the starting quarterback. That's a big deal for a freshman Jude. I couldn't say no," he tried to explain.

He approached me and tried to put his arms around me but I stepped back. I felt like my heart was shattering in a million pieces. I wanted Connor to have this opportunity if it was what he really wanted. On the other hand, the selfish part of me wanted him to stay close, to choose me instead. I knew UCLA had offered him a similar deal but not as the starting quarterback. That was a great opportunity for him and could be a be career move for him.

I sat down in the chair across the room and sighed as I place my head in my hands. I felt tears burn my eyes and I tried to fight them back. How could I be so selfish and try to hold him back. I was so afraid of losing him I didn't think of anyone but myself.

"Please understand Jude I did struggle with this decision," Connor said as he kneeled down in front of my and put his hand under my chin forcing me to look at him.

When I did I saw he had tears in his eyes too. He touched my hand and squeezed. We just looked at each other and neither of us spoke. I couldn't find the right words to make this right. I wanted to say I could do this and we could make the distance work but I couldn't. I could do this anymore, especially if he was moving to Connecticut. I struggled to find my voice and to choose the right words to say. I just couldn't get them out.

"Connor I don't want to stand in your way, and I feel like if you go all the way to Yale I will hold you back," I started.

"Jude, don't do this," he warned me.

"Connor I love you and I will always love you…" I paused and he got up and sat down on the bed. \

Both of us had tears streaming down our faces now. I could tell by the look on his face he knew where this conversation was headed. I didn't want to do it but I knew we would never survive that distance. We were barely hanging on sometimes as it was now.

"Jude don't," he said again.

"Connor I have to go," I got up. "I can't do this anymore."

"Jude please don't leave," Connor begged.

I sighed. I wanted to rush to him and hug him. To tell him it would be okay but I didn't. I knew if I touched him I wouldn't do it and it was for the best. We both needed to be free to explore college and what it had offer. Connor couldn't do that with me back home holding him back. I tried to smile at him through my tears as I got up and grabbed my car keys and phone from his night stand. My hand trembled as I picked up my duffel bag. I had to be strong even though my heart was breaking.

I walked towards the door and paused. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I waited for him to ask me not to go. I willed him to tell me to stay, and say this wasn't the right thing to do. Even though he knew I was right, he could say something.

"If you walk out the door now don't even think about coming back," Connor said from behind me.

Those were not the words I had hoped to hear from him. I wanted to turn around and fly into his arms but I fought it. I half expected him to chase after me and I walked out of the room and down the stairs. I paused again at the front door with my hand on the knob. I didn't dare look back but I waited. After what seemed like hours I turned the doorknob and walked out of Connor's house for the last time.

 **A/N: Okay bear with me here and keep reading. Jonnor is endgame in this story but something are going to happen to them while there apart that will shape the beginning of the story. In the next few chapters we'll see their lives while their apart but don't sweat it they'll get back together eventually as you know from the first chapter.**


	13. And Then He Kissed Me

**Connor (age 19 September, freshman year at Yale)**

It had been six months since Jude walked out of my room the day he broke up with me. I hadn't talked to him since then. I had texted him a few times but he never texted me back. So I eventually gave up and tried to move on with my life. I moved to New Haven and started life at Yale. I still thought about him all the time and wondered if he thought about me. I dreamed about him every night. Mostly the dreams were good but sometimes the day he walked out of my life played over and over.

Yale was a place to start over for me and that's what I had tried to do. No one here new I was gay. I hadn't dated or hooked up with anyone since Jude and I broke up. I heard from Daria he was dating someone else but she wouldn't tell me who. Something about it wasn't her place to tell me. Whatever the hell that meant. I had no clue why she couldn't just tell me. I tried not to let it bother me but it did. I wondered sometimes if it was her but I knew Jude wouldn't do that to me right?

So here I was at a party in my own dorm room standing in the corner like a loser thinking about my ex-boyfriend. I looked around the room trying to get my mind off Jude and that was when I noticed him. He was standing across the room talking to my roommate and his girlfriend. There were some other people in the conversation too but he was all I could see.

He had on a tight t-shirt that showed off his defined muscles underneath. The red color of his hair was really an attention getter. I wondered if it was natural. I was staring, willing him to look up at me. instead of catching his eye I caught the eyes' of Shelby, my roommate's girlfriend. She smiled and started to walk my way.

"Amber's pretty uh?" she asked as she stood beside me.

I smiled. She actually thought I was looking at her friend Amber. Amber looked back at me and smiled. I smiled back. Just out of politeness but I didn't want to encourage her.

"Yeah I guess but she's not my type," I shrugged.

She looked at me confused. I knew she would put two and two together pretty quick. What straight guy wouldn't go for Amber? She was the full package. She was beautiful and smart. She had everything going from her. Her family even had money so she lacked for nothing.

"So who are you staring at?" Shelby asked.

"The other red head," I replied.

"Lip?" she asked.

"Lip? His name is Lip? What kind of name is that?"

She laughed. "It's short for Phillip. His name is Phillip Keating. He's a junior and a journalism major. That's pretty much all I know. Oh and he turned down Amber when she asked him out," Shelby told me.

"Wait a minute," she whispered. "Connor are you gay?"

"Yeah," was all I said.

"Oh my god! I am totally going to set you up!"

I wanted to say but what if he's not gay. But before I could she was half way across the room. I watched as she pulled Lip aside and talked to him. He looked over at me and the smile he gave my made my knees feel weak. It had been a long time since someone smiled at and made me feel this way. I got butterflies in my stomach as he walked towards me. I could see Shelby grinning from ear to ear over his shoulder. She looked so excited.

"Hi, I'm Lip," the red head said as he stood in front of me.

"Hi, Connor," I said back.

"This party is lame. You want to get out of here Connor?" Lip asked.

I nodded and found myself following him out of the dorm room. We walked in silence side by side towards a small off campus hang out. Once we were inside we found a table. I was a little nervous. I had no idea what this was or what was really happening here. I had never dated anyone but Jude. For almost five years I had been with the same person. This was all so new to me.

"So Connor tell me about yourself," he said.

"I have to ask because I don't want to waste my time," I paused.

"Yes I'm gay Connor," he answered like he knew what I was going to ask. "Are you really gay? Because you don't look the part."

"I'm very into you," I said. Shit did I really just say that out loud? I liked the way he kept saying my name. I loved the way it sounded on his lips.

As I told him about myself he ran his hand up my thigh. As his hand got higher my breath hitched. I felt like we were really hitting it off. He told me about himself and pretty soon he was saying he had to go because he had an early class. I hated for this evening to end and wondered if I'd see him again.

He walked me back to my dorm room. It was quiet inside when we got there and I knew the party was over. Shelby was probably spending the night like she always did. I thought about inviting him in but it was too soon for that. I didn't want this to just be a one-night stand. I wanted to see where this led. It really seemed like we could have a relationship and he could be my ticket to moving on.

Lip put his hand on my face and I leaned into his hand. We moved closer to each other in slow motion. Then he kissed me. It was a nice soft kiss, not to quick. I pulled away first and licked my lips. He smiled at me.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure I'd like that," I answered.

We exchanged numbers and he kissed me softly again. I watched him go and then went into my dorm room. I shut the door and stood with my back to it smiling. Yes, I could definitely see myself moving on with Lip Keating!

 **A/N: So Connor is trying to move on. What do you think of Lip? Can Connor really move on from Jude? What will happen when he finds out who Jude is seeing? Why won't Daria tell him who it is? Can you guess who it is? Its someone we know form this story!**


	14. Do I Love Her?

**Jude (age 19, December 23** **rd** **, Somewhere in San Diego)**

I could hear the rain falling outside as a laid here next to her. It always kind of felt wrong to lay net to her. She didn't like to snuggle and I missed Connor as I laid here staring at her sleeping beside me. She had told me a few days ago I was the love of her life. I felt guilty for not feeling the same but I was still in love with Connor. I had tried so hard to move on and it still hadn't happened. I thought about him all the time. There were several times I picked up the phone to call to text him but couldn't go through with it. I was the one who broke up with him and he had probably moved on. Wasn't that the point?

I looked over at her and she was awake smiling at me. She had that dopey love look in her eyes and I wanted to bolt. But I knew I couldn't. I was stuck here doing the right thing. I tried to smile back at her. She didn't notice my smile was fake. There were times when I wished I'd never gotten involved with her but it was too late now to back out. I couldn't do that to her. I had to take responsibility for my actions.

"Are you ready to tell them today?" she asked.

Fuck no I wasn't ready. Adam and I had a great relationship now and I was so afraid this was going to destroy it. Her mom was probably going to hate me too. I had taken her daughter down the same path she had taken at her age. I was going to stick around though unlike her dad. I just couldn't do that to her or my child. I wasn't that type of guy. I knew how hard life could be and I didn't want that for my child.

My moms had taken it well. Way better than I thought they would. Momma had cried and mom had pulled me aside afterwards in the kitchen. Talking about mistakes she made with Mike and I was headed down the same road. She didn't know the only difference I think was so had loved Mike. I didn't love her. I had tried so hard to love her but I just couldn't. I felt like such a liar every time I said I love you back to her. I never said it first.

"Yeah we can't hide it much longer," I assured her.

It had been four months since that day. The day I had made the biggest mistake of my life. We had been flirting back and forth for a while. It was just innocent flirting for me but I knew it meant something more to her pretty early on. I had known she had a crush on me from the first time we met and I felt like such an asshole sometimes for encouraging it after Connor and I broke up. The fact that Adam adopted her soon after he married Macy, making her Connor's sister, made it even worse. I had taken my ex-boyfriend's sister's virginity and destroy her life in the process.

Later that afternoon we were sitting in the living room of her house. I was sitting in the chair and she was in my lap. She kissed me and I kissed her back. She had he hands in my hair and I started to run m hand up her thigh. Adam had gone into work for a few hours and Macy went to the store for something. So we were alone in the house. She turned so she was straddling me and ground her hips into mine. She kissed my neck and I moaned and through my head back. It felt good but different. It was just sex for me not like it had been with Connor and I often closed my eyes and tried to pretend she was him. I knew that made me even more of an asshole right?

"What the fuck?" we heard from the doorway.

I would know that voice anywhere. I thought he was going to his new boyfriend's house for Christmas. I opened my eyes and made eye contact with him. Then I quickly looked away. I looked at the tall red head by his side. I had never seen anyone more beautiful. Leave it to Connor to find the most attractive gay guy at Yale to hook up with. Fuck my life. I wanted Connor back but how did I compete with that. Tamarin got up off my lap and I continue to watch the red head. I knew I was staring but I couldn't help it. He was that good looking. I could see though he only had eyes for Connor. I sighed but couldn't look away.

Connor stormed out of the room and the red smiled at me before following. I looked away from where he had been standing to see Tamarin staring at me with a hurt look on her face. She smacked me in the back of the head so hard my head lunged forward.

"Jealous much?" I asked.

She flicked me off and as she turned and left the room I noticed the tears in her eyes. I knew I had fucked up by trying to eye fuck Connor's new boyfriend. I needed to get up and fix it but I just sat there. I knew it was just her emotions going haywire. It hadn't been that bad had it? I got up and went to find her.

She was in the kitchen with her back to me. I walked up behind her and put my arms around her. I didn't know what to say. She turned around and looked at me. I reached up and wiped the tears from her eyes with my fingers. I hated myself for making her cry. I smiled at her and she smiled back through her tears. I knew I needed to say something to make this right but what?

"Don't worry baby you know I love you," I said.

She smiled widely and buried her head in my chest. Panic rose in my chest and I tried to fight it back. I had just said I love you first for the first time. It wasn't a me too! It was an outright I love you. For the first time I wondered if I actually meant it. Was I actually really falling for Tamarin? Could I be in love with her? I had spent so much time trying to hide my feelings since Connor left that I had shut myself off from everyone. This had been a wakeup call for me. I actually did love her.

 **A/N: So there you have it. Jude is dating Tamarin and she's pregnant. For those of you who guessed Wilke you are wrong for that! The thought never crossed my mind to be honest! Wilke will be mentioned again though a few times. Next up, Jude and Tamarin share their secret with her family and Connor reacts in a big way.**


	15. It's All About You and Me

**Connor (age 19, San Diego, December 23** **rd** **)**

"I assume that's the ex you told me about?" Lip asked as he sat down beside me on the couch.

"Yeah," was all I said.

I couldn't believe Jude was with my sister. I had always thought of her that way ever since my dad and Macy started dating. Was he trying to hurt me by dating her or did he actually care for her. I knew I had moved on or at least I thought I had till I saw him again. I mean I loved Lip but Jude was still always in the back of my mind. He was my first love and I'd never forget him no matter what. I couldn't explain the jealousy I felt seeing him with someone else. I wondered if he felt the same way seeing me with Lip?

"I thought he was gay?" Lip asked.

"He is or was? I am so confused," I answered honestly.

"Connor maybe he is too," Lip said. "When I was sixteen I experimented a little with a girl. It was okay but it just never felt right to me."

"You never told me that."

"Yeah I know it never really seemed important before," Lip sighed.

"All I've ever done with girls is make out. I could never go any further than that. To be honest I never got hard with a girl the way I do with guys," I sighed too.

"Not even when they touch you like this?" Lip asked as he ran his hand up my thigh.

I looked into his eyes and bit my lip.

"Or kiss your neck like this?" he asked as his lips made contact with my neck and he sucked lightly,

I shook my head as a moan escaped from my mouth. I bucked my hips against his hand as he deepened his suction on my neck. It felt so good I whispered his name followed by an oh god yes as his hand undid my hands and slid inside.

"I love you Connor," he said in my ear as he worked me with his hand.

"I love you too," I said back breathlessly.

I laid down and pulled Lip down with me so he was on top of me. He settled between my legs and moaned as he ground his hips into mine. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend it was Jude instead of him like I always did. I had to be really careful doing that though because once I almost called him Jude during sex. I had caught myself before I said it out loud. I opened my eyes and made eye contact with Lip as he slipped his shirt over his head. I ran my hands down his chest. He had an amazing chest and I had to admit his washboard abs made my knees weak.

I bucked my hips against his as I tried hard to get my mind off Jude. I just could stop thinking about him with Tamarin. The girl thing was throwing me more than anything, even more than the fact it was with my sister. I had to stop overanalyzing it. It was none of my business who he dated anymore. We weren't even really friends anymore to be honest. We hadn't talked in almost a year. As much as I wanted to change that I didn't know how. I wanted my friend back. The sweet innocent little foster kid I met when I was thirteen. I was so afraid we had had ruined a good friendship by ever becoming more than friends.

"Where the fuck are you? Because you share as hell aren't here with me?" Lip said angrily.

I opened my eyes and realized he was sitting up. He was pissed. Shit, had I said something without realizing it? Had I finally slipped and called him Jude? I tried to think about what I had said or did to piss him off. My thought had definitely been on Jude and not him. I sat up and looked at him. He wasn't looking at me. He bent down and picked up his shirt off the floor. I watched doe eyed as he put it back on.

"Listen maybe my coming here was a bad idea," Lip said as he got up.

"Lip wait!" I said a little too loudly as I followed him to the stairs.

He paused without turning around. I didn't know what to say to make it right because I wasn't exactly sure why he was pissed at me. He waited for me to say something anything to make him stay. He didn't really want to leave.

Lip I love you," I said.

"Do you really? Because I don't think you're really over Jude."

The word Jude sounded so venomous coming from his mouth. He was jealous of Jude. I had to make him see I only wanted him and not Jude. I knew right then I had to stop thinking about Jude. Jude and I were over and I was with Lip now. Jude had moved on and I needed to finally do the same.

I walked up behind Lip and turned him around aggressively. It was time to show him I only had eyes for him. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him until his back made contact with the wall. I kissed him with everything I had. I pushed Jude from my mind and only thought about Lip as I ground my hips into his. For the first time it was just him and me.

 **A/N: This took longer than I expected it too. So I'm gonna make another chapter about telling Adam and Macy. So both Connor and Jude think they have finally moved on. But have they really? They'll find their way back to each other eventually but it's not going to be easy.**


	16. The Worst Day of My Life

**Tamarin (age 17, San Diego, Family dinner, December 23** **rd** **")**

I sat at the table next to Jude. This dinner was so awkward. I knew when Connor found out Jude and I were dating he would flip his lid but he had handled it better than I thought he would. I had asked Daria not to say anything to him because I knew she still talked to him once and while. I struggled with how to make my other announcement though. I didn't know exactly what to say or how to say it.

Jude grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed it. I knew this was hard on him too. After his conversation with his mom I was so afraid he was doubting our decision to keep her. I wanted her o bad but I was afraid maybe Jude felt trapped. I hated myself for making him feel that way. I knew I wasn't the first girl he had been with but he didn't know I knew about Taylor. As far as I knew Connor wasn't the only guy he had been with either. After he and Connor broke up Jude got quite a reputation at Anchor Beach. I was known at school as the girl who tamed him.

I was a senior at Anchor Beach and by the time I graduated from high school I would be someone's mom. It was a really scary thought to me. If everything went as I had planned, I would be someone's wife too. Jude and I hadn't talked about getting married but he said he always wanted to be in the baby's life. I hoped that meant one day we would get married and raise a family together, maybe have other kids.

I tried to follow the conversation going on around me. Something about making a trip to New Haven soon. I found out Connor had met Lip's parents so it must be serious between them. My dad had always thought Connor and Jude would end up together and when I announced Jude and I were seeing each other he was shocked. He would be even more shocked when he found out we had been sleeping together the whole time. I knew the longer I waited the harder it was going to get to tell them. I hadn't planned on Connor being here too, so it was kind of throwing me off my game a little. I thought he was coming in tomorrow or something.

"Do you want me to tell them?" Jude whispered in my ear.

"No," I shook my head. I had to be the one to do it.

"So when did this happen?" Connor asked referring to me and Jude.

"Labor day weekend," Jude answered.

"I was here Labor day weekend," Connor said shocked.

"So," Jude said back.

I was so afraid sassy Jude was going to come out and he was going to say something smart. I didn't want him to get snappy with Connor. We had just had a real relationship relation in the kitchen earlier and now he was getting defensive. Him saying I love you first had meant so much to me. I knew now that he meant it when he said he loved me. He truly did love me. I loved him with all my heart and soul and I was always afraid he was still in love with Connor.

I looked up and Jude and Connor and they were staring at each other like they were ready to have a pissing contest. I loved back and forth between them. No one said anything. Lip was shaking his head and rolling his eyes. I couldn't tell if Connor's concern was brotherly of if he was jealous because Jude was with me and not him. I could tell by the big fresh hickey on Connor's neck he and Lip had been very busy downstairs before dinner.

"So how long have you been fucking my sister?" Connor blurted out.

Everyone stared at him like they couldn't believe he had actually asked that question.

"Let's see I took her virginity Labor day weekend," Jude answered.

"You really turned into a prick Jude? What happened to the guy I used to know?" Connor asked.

"Connor just drop it okay," Lip said.

Connor turned to look at Lip and Lip rolled his eyes again. He sighed like he was trying not to get pissed at Connor. I didn't know what to say. This conversation had taken a turn for the worse and I knew I had to say something to stop it before Connor and Jude decided to throw blows at each other. I didn't think about it anymore I just spoke.

"I'm pregnant, can you pass the potatoes?"

All eyes at the table turned towards me at once. I grabbed Jude's hand and laced my fingers in his. Here it was the moment of truth. It was sink or swim time. No one said anything, they just stared at me and Jude like we each had two heads. Then several things happened at once. My mom got up and left the table. Connor lunged across the table at Jude. Lip jumped up to stop him, trying with all his might to hold him back. In an effort to get away from Connor, Jude pushed back his chair and fell backwards smacking his head on the floor. I got up to see if Jude was alright and noticed the blood on the floor. I turned away from Jude just as I threw up everywhere.

"Serves you right Jude!" Connor screamed as he ran from the room and slammed the front door.

"Well that went well," my dad said sarcastically.

"Macy," he yelled.

My mom came back in the room but she wouldn't even look at me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes for the second time today. I didn't stop them. I knew had hurt her deeply. She had always drilled in my head to protect myself and I hadn't done it when it came down to it. I had given my virginity to someone who didn't really care about me at the time and I had kept on having unprotected sex with him.

"I'm going to need to go after Connor and talk to him. Can you take Jude to the ER to have his head looked at please?" he asked.

She nodded. I could tell by the look on her face she didn't really want to but she couldn't let the father of her grandchild lay bleeding on the floor. I look back at Lip and he came over to help Jude up off the floor. My mom came back into the dining room with a dishtowel for Jude's head and handed it to him.

I could see by the look on his face and the way he staggered when he stood up Jude was dizzy. Lip agreed to go with us to help with Jude because he could barely stand on his own. This had turned out to be the worst day ever or so I thought.

 **A/N: Oh three chapters today! They all kind of go together though! Adam and Stacy know about the baby, well everyone knows now. What did you think of what happened? Any predictions on what's going to happen that is worse than this?**


	17. The Day I Met Her

**Jude (age 19, somewhere in San Diego, mid-March)**

I loved this job, but all I wanted was a few hours of sleep. Was that too much ask? I had only been out with my first partner about a week now. I was wearing myself so thin though. Between his job as an EMT, going to school to be a firefighter and dealing with a very pregnant fiancée I had no time to myself. I needed a break, but I knew I wasn't going to get it anytime soon with a baby due in seven weeks.

My partner was going on about some party she went to last night, and all I could think about was how much I longed to curl up on the stretcher in the back of the rig and go to sleep. I was such a loser. My partner was a pretty twenty-three-year-old blonde without a care in the world. She didn't have any of the responsibilities I had at nineteen. I think sometimes she pitied me, but this was the life I chose. I was happy with it don't get me wrong, but it was too much sometimes. I did wish I hadn't tied myself to Tamarin for life, maybe just a little.

Just as I started to close my eyes for a few minutes a call came in on the radio, "I have a seventeen-year-old pregnant female complaining of severe head and abdominal pain. She is home alone and lives at 2806 West Court Lane apartment six."

"Fuck Gracie, that's my house!" I shouted.

She sped off in the direction of my house sirens blaring. It seemed like it took forever to get here even though we were only a few minutes away. By the time we reached the apartment complex there was already another EMT on the scene. I opened the door and jumped out before Gracie even came to a complete stop. My hands shook as I took the stairs to the second floor two at a time.

When I got into the apartment Tamarin was lying on the floor. Her eyes were closed. I looked down at the blood pressure machine and it read 254/190. I panicked and dropped to my knees beside her. I held her hand and the other paramedic had a grim look on his face. Gracie pulled me back as the placed Tamarin on the stretcher. She wasn't even supposed to be home. She should be at school. It was so important to her to graduate before the baby was born.

I followed the stretcher out and climbed on the rig after the EMT. I held her hand and talked to her telling her I loved her. Then I heard what the EMT said as he called it in to the hospital.

"I have a seventeen-year-old pregnant female, approximately thirty-three weeks along, unresponsive, BP 254/190, pulse weak at 52, possible pregnancy induced eclampsia."

All I could think about was back when momma had lost Frankie because of the same thing. I couldn't lose either of them. Tamarin and this baby had become my life. My reason for living. I was so scared as we reached the hospital. I was escorted to the waiting room to wait while they worked on Tamarin. I called momma first.

"Hey Jude," she said.

And I broke down and started crying as soon as I heard her voice.

"Jude what's wrong bubba?" she asked.

"It's Tamarin….I'm at the hospital…." I said between sobs.

"I'm on my way."

"Can you call Adam and Macy…I'm not sure I can," I asked.

She agreed and hung up. Twenty minutes later momma and Macy showed up. I told them what I knew, and I knew by the look on her face momma was thinking about Frankie. Macy sat down with her head in her hands and sobbed. I felt bad, like all of this was somehow my fault. It I hadn't gotten her pregnant in the first place we wouldn't be here. I paced as I thought about Tamarin. So much had happen between us in the past few months. Shortly after Christmas I had asked her to marry me. I knew it was the right thing to do. Adam had helped us get an apartment of our own and we were planning a wedding for this summer after the baby was born and Tamarin graduated high school. Connor and I still weren't on speaking terms, although I had talked to Lip a few times since Christmas. Lip and I were becoming good friends.

"Jude stop it. It's not your fault okay," momma tried to reassure me.

I knew that but it was still in the back of my mind. If I had only used a condom like they had drilled into my head none of this would even be an issue. I felt like I was a big disappointment to my family. I wouldn't be pacing in the hospital ER waiting room waiting on the fate of the two people I loved most in the world.

"Mr. Adams Foster?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," I said.

Momma and Macy came and stood on either side of my holding my hands. Adam came running in and came over to us. The doctor looked at them then back at me.

"It's okay this is my mom and Tamarin's parents," I answered in a shaky voice I didn't recognize.

"Well congratulations, Mr. Adams Foster, you have a daughter. She weighed a 4 pounds and nine ounces. She's in the NICU and you can see her soon. She looks to be in pretty good health. She can leave with you in few weeks if all goes well," he paused as he started off with the good news.

"What about my fiancée?" I asked in that shaky voice again.

"I'm sorry she had a massive stroke. We did everything we could," he said.

My knees gave way and momma and Macy couldn't hold me up. I felt like I was in a tunnel. I could hear people talking around me, but I had no idea what they were saying. I heard them sobbing, but I couldn't respond. I just sat there on the floor and stared start ahead. Not feeling anything, I was numb. I had never planned to be a single dad. I knew I had help and my parent and siblings and Adam and Macy would help me. But she was gone, I just could accept the fact she was really gone. I'd never see her again and my heart actually ached. I felt like my world was collapsing world me and I had no idea how to stop it.

I got up and walked over to momma and she pulled me into a hug. That was when I lost it. I sobbed in her arms like a baby. She sat down and pulled me with her as we sat side by side she just continued to hold me. People came and went from the waiting room, but I just sat there in momma's arms and didn't say a word. I knew I needed to snap out of it. I had a little girl who needed me but I needed a minute of silence.

"He can't just shut down now," I heard Callie say.

"Don't you think he knows that? But he just lost his fiancée cut him some slack," Mariana said.

I got up and wiped the tears from my eyes and the snot from my nose on my sleeve. My moment was over I had to think of someone other than myself now. I was a dad and she came first from now on. She was more important then what I was feeling right now. She needed me because she had no one else but me. She was depending on me. Everyone watched me as I headed out of the ER towards the NICU. I had to see my daughter. I had to touch her if they'd let me. I had to know at least she was okay.

I got to the desk right as you go into the doors to the NICU. The nurse looked up at me and smiled.

"Can I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I'm Jude Adams Foster. My daughter was brought up a few hours ago," I said with all the confidence I could muster.

"Right this way," she said.

I did as she instructed me and put on a gown and followed through the doors into the room. She led me to a baby with a head full of curly black hair. I smiled at how much she actually looked like Tamarin.

"Becky, this is Mr. Adams Foster," she said to a petite brown hair woman.

"Hi I'm Becky. I'm the nurse assigned to your baby from 6 pm to 6 am at 6 am Hanna will come in and take care of her. She's doing good. Breathing on her own with just a little extra oxygen. Seems to be a very strong little girl. Does she have a name? We like to call all the babies here by their names," she rambled.

"It's Colleen. Colleen Francesca Adams Foster, after my mom and sister," I said. "And please call me Jude."

"Okay Jude would you like to hold her?" Becky asked.

I nodded as she picked up Colleen and placed her in my arms. I sat down in the rocking chair and just rocked her for a long time. I couldn't believe I could love someone so much I just met a few minutes ago. I realized at that moment this little girl was the love of my life. I had the nurse take some pictures of us and I took some pictures of Colleen once I laid her back down.

"Can some else in my family come stay with her while I go home to shower and change out of my uniform?" I asked Becky.

"Usually its only mom and dad allowed back here sometimes a baby's siblings," she answered.

"It's just me," I said as I felt sudden sadness wash over me.

"I know Jude. I'm sorry for your lose," she told me as she touched my shoulder.

"I just want someone I love here with her," I said.

"Your mom or dad can come back," Becky suggested.

"I have two moms."

She didn't look a bit shocked by that statement. "One of them can come back with Colleen then."

I left the NICU and found my parents and siblings in the hallway. Jesus hugged me, and I hugged him back. He had never really been affectionate to me before but I needed all the hugs and reassurance I could get right now. Raising a child on my own wasn't going to be easy. I took out my phone and showed everyone the pictures.

"So what did you name her," mom asked.

"Colleen Francesca," I said proudly.

"After mom," Callie said.

"And after Frankie, I hope it's okay?" I looked at momma.

"Yes, Jude it's more than okay. She was your sister after all," she smiled through her tears.

"Well I need to go home to shower and change. They said one of my moms can go back with Colleen while I'm gone," I informed them.

"When can we see her?" Mariana asked.

"Only me and moms are allowed back there for now," I smiled at here.

Momma decided she would go in first and they would switch off. Momma handed me the keys to her car and I went outside to where she said it was parked. I got in the car and the first thing I thought of doing was calling Connor. I needed my friend right now but I wondered if he would come or if anyone had even told him what happen yet.


	18. Our Secret For Life Or Longer

**Connor (age 19, Mid-March, Spring Break)**

I was thirty minutes outside of San Diego when I had to stop for gas. I had been visiting my mom and now I was headed to San Diego to see the rest of my family. I hadn't been back since I stormed out last December. The day I knew I had lost Jude for good. I knew it really shouldn't matter because I had Lip. l did love Lip but not as much as I loved Jude. I would always love him and all he had to do still a year later was say the words, Connor I want you back. I knew I would hop right back to him. Sad thing was I'd dump Lip in a heartbeat for another chance with Jude. I was sure I'd run into him while I was in San Diego. Lip had told me he and Tamarin were living together and they were engaged. I wasn't sure if I could even go to the wedding. I couldn't watch the love of my life marry my sister.

As I got back on the road my phone rang. I glanced down at it and saw it was Jude. He hadn't called me in a year and he never answered my calls or texts I had sent him after he broke up with me. Why was he calling now? I tried not to get my hopes up as I answered.

"Hello," I said into the phone. I was nervous to hear his voice over the phone. My hands shook as I waited for him to respond.

"She's gone Connor," he said.

He sounded like he was crying. My first thought was Tamarin had lost the baby. I hoped that hadn't happen. I know how hard it was on everyone when they lost Frankie. Losing another baby like that would be an extra bad blow for him and his family.

"Tamarin's gone," he said after a long pause.

Shit Tamarin was the one who died. I didn't know what to say. I felt bad for wishing she had never come into over lives but I didn't want her dead. She was the closest thing I ever had to sibling. I was actually excited when my dad adopted her even though I was already eighteen and she had been sixteen at the time. Now I was back to being an only child.

I didn't know what to say to Jude to comfort him. Someone I loved had never died before, well except for my grandad and we hadn't been that close since I came out. He didn't approve of my lifestyle, as he called it, and he had died still hating me for it.

"Connor where are you? I need you," Jude said.

That was all I needed to hear. I told him where I was and he gave me the address of where to meet him. When I hung up the phone I sped up. I had to get to Jude. I had to be there for him, even if it was just in a friend capacity and nothing more. He needed a friend and he had thought of me. I couldn't help but think maybe there was still a chance for us.

Fifteen minutes later I pulled up next to Lena's car in the apartment complex. I found the building and the apartment pretty easily. I knocked but Jude didn't answer. I tried the door and it was open, so I went in. I hesitated for a minute. This was the place Jude and Tamarin had decided to make a life together in. The place they were going to raise their daughter. I felt guilty for being here. I didn't belong here.

"Jude," I called his name.

"In here," he said.

I followed the sound of his voice and found him in the bedroom sitting on the edge of the bed in just a pair of boxers. His hair was still wet, so I knew he had just gotten out of the shower. I didn't say anything. All I did was walk over and sit down beside him. I could see the tears in his eyes. I knew him well and I could tell he was trying to be strong when all he really wanted to do was shut down completely. I reached over and took his hand in mine. I felt that familiar spark shot through my body as I did. I wondered if he felt it too. I watched him but he just stared at the floor.

We just sat there like that for what seemed like hours. He laced his fingers in mine and it felt so good to have him hold my hand again. Even if it was just for a little while. He needed comfort and I was there to help him through any way I could. That's why what he did next shocked the hell out of me.

He turned to look at me and kissed me. I didn't kiss him back at first but I couldn't help myself. I missed the way his kisses made me feel. Soon I was kissing him back and feeling the familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I let him take the lead this time. I was afraid if I tried to he would stop and I didn't want him to stop. As we kissed I pushed the thoughts of Lip out of my mind. I tried not to think about the consequences of cheating. Besides I had no idea where this was really headed right, but I wasn't going to stop it.

Jude pulled away from the kiss first. We made eye contact and I couldn't look away. I lost eye contact only for a few seconds to slide my shirt over my head. I knew this was wrong and I was taking advantage of him. But I just couldn't say no to him anymore. I laid down on the bed bringing him with me. He ran his hands down my chest and I moaned as he reached the spot of hair just above the waist line of my jeans. He took his time undoing my belt and pants. I fought to keep my eyes open as he touched me.

He sat up and began to slide my pants and boxers down my legs. I kicked off my shoes and the rest of my clothes were soon on the floor with my shirt. I pushed back the thought of how wrong this was from my mind as Jude laid back down pulling me on top of him. I ground my hips into his and he moaned my name. I had thought I would never hear the way he said my name when he was turned on again. Taking the imitative I hooked my fingers in his boxers and slid the down his legs. He kicked them off on to the floor.

I was sure he had no lube in the house, since he had been sleeping with a girl for the past seven months, so I kissed down his chest. When I took him in my mouth his hand automatically snaked into my hair, just like old times. I sucked as hard as I could. Blow jobs were my specialty. I knew I was really good at it. Well at least the only two boys I'd ever went down on told me.

Soon Jude was bucking his hips and pushing himself further and further into my mouth. I let him guide me and loved every minute of it. The way he hit the back of my throat. The way to spite his size I was able to take him all in my mouth. No one could deep throat the way I could. I lost myself in the blow job but I did hear my name and the word fuck come from Jude's mouth. I was so hard and all I wanted was to feel Jude's touch on my skin. I wanted him to wrapping his hand around my length and stroke me the way he used to do before we started having sex. Jude hooked his hands under my armpits and pulled me off him and up so he could kiss me again.

While he kissed me I rubbed my butt along the length his hardness. I wanted him so bad but I didn't want to push my luck. He moaned into my mouth as our tongues touched fighting for dominance. I pulled away from the kiss first. I didn't break eye contact as I continued to rub against him. It felt so good. He stopped me from moving with his hands on my hips and I thought it was over. He had come to his senses and thought about how wrong this was. He surprised me though by holding himself in his hand and pressing his tip inside me. The burn felt good. It had been a long time since I had felt someone as big as Jude inside me. I dug my fingers into his chest and I pushed down taking him deeper and deeper inside me. Damn he felt so good.

I pinned his hands over his head and laced our fingers together as I rode him, letting my dominance take over. I had him hitting just the right spot. I knew exactly how to ride him to make it feel the best for both of us. I let go of his hands and leaned back a little. Jude's breaths were getting short and quick and I knew he was close. He reached out and wrapped his hand around me. Oh god yes, Jude, escaped my lips as he began to pump with just the right amount of pressure to send me over the edge. I threw my head back, dug my fingers into Jude's knees, and moaned loudly as I came. He didn't have time to pull out before I felt him come inside me. It felt a little strange, as it was the first time someone had actually came inside me, but I had to admit I loved it!

I pulled off Jude and laid down beside him. We were both panting, trying to catch our breath. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to spoil the moment. I had dreamed of having sex with Jude again. There had been nights when I knew I'd moaned his name in my sleep, but Lip never said anything. Then the realization of what I had just done hit me. I was a cheater. I had just done something I swore I would never do. This hadn't been like the time with Wilke. I wasn't too drunk to consent. I couldn't believe I had actually become that person. Lip loved me and I had just betrayed him with Jude.

I stared up at the ceiling as my thoughts went to Lip. I could never tell him this. He trusted me wholeheartedly and I trusted him. He had even asked me to move in with him and give up my dorm room when school started up next fall. I had agreed to move in this summer. I was still going to do that though. I was sure this was just a one-time thing right? It would never happen again.

I felt Jude get up beside me and looked his way. He was standing by the dresser staring at Tamarin's stuff that was spread across it. I sat up and watched him for a minute. He just stood there staring at a perfume bottle and some makeup like he really missed her. He had put his boxers back on, so I got up and slid mine back on. I had my back to him and I heard him scream first. When I turned around he swept his hand angrily across the dresser sending everything on it crashing to the floor. I knew in that moment he felt guilty for what had just happened between us.

He screamed again and collapsed to the floor. I ran over to him and sat on the floor beside him. I didn't hesitate to take him in my arms and hold him. He sobbed in my arms for a long time and I just held him letting him cry it out. He eventually pulled away from me and I knew the spell was broken. He looked at me and then looked away at the broken glass on the floor.

"Connor this can't happen again," he said.

I felt my heart shatter again like that day he had walked away so easily a year ago. I didn't want to lose him again but he wasn't really mine anymore to lose in the first place. I had to accept that and live with it. I would go back to Lip, and he would move on and make a life with his baby. Eventually he would marry someone else and I would just be that guy he used to love, his first love.

"It should have never let it happen," I said.

"Connor no regrets," Jude tried to reassure me.

"But I cheated on Lip and I made you the other guy," I said back.

"Tell him or don't tell him that's up to you. I won't ever say anything to anyone."

I knew I couldn't ever tell Lip I had slept with Jude today. I would take it to my grave, even though at times it would eat at me. It was our secret for life or longer.


	19. I Can't Keep Doing This To Him

**Jude (age 20, New Haven, November, weekend of the Yale Harvard football game)**

Lip was at his job and Adam and Macy were bringing Colleen with them. It had been a two months since I'd been to New Haven. I know I told Connor the day Tamarin died would be the last time but here we were lying naked across his bed he shared with Lip after having sex. When we had kept doing it even after we said we wouldn't at first I felt guilty. Now though I didn't want to shout it to Lip every time I saw him. He had been such a good friend to me and there were times when I still felt guilty for sleeping with his boyfriend. This was his house after all and he was gracious enough to let Colleen and I stay here when we came to town. In fact, our visiting had been his idea in the first place. The first time Connor had come on to me and I missed him so I hadn't said no. I guess you could say right now we were friends with benefits.

It wasn't exactly like Connor was the only person I was fucking either. I had been sleeping with Daria for a couple of months now. It had just sort of happened one night when she had been babysitting Colleen. I had come home late and we were sitting on the couch together. One thing led to another… Right now we were sorting dating. She wanted more and I was trying. My heart just wasn't in it. I had admitted to myself when I first started coming here I was still in love with Connor, but I still didn't want a long distance relationship. So here we were just friends or so we told ourselves. He wouldn't leave Lip and I wasn't going to ask him too.

"Connor can I ask you something?" I asked.

"Sure," he said as he snuggled up to my chest lying his head on me.

"How many guys have you slept with?" I blurted out. I was curious and I had never asked. We never talked about it.

He hesitated for a minute. I know it wasn't what he was expecting me to ask. I could tell he was hiding his disappointment. He was hoping I'd ask him to leave Lip for me but I just wasn't ready to do that. I still needed time. I needed to focus on some other things in my life right now and get my life together before that happened.

"Three," he answered. "Just Wilke, you, and Lip. What about you?"

Well played, I thought to myself, as he turned it around on me. "Four guys, you of course, then there was Ian, Liam and Wilke."

I said the last name really quick hoping he wouldn't catch it. "I've also been with four girls. Taylor, Gracie, Sara and Daria." I said when he didn't say anything about Wilke.

He knew Daria and I had been seeing each other for a few months now. He pretended he was okay with it but I knew he didn't like it. I knew him better than he knew himself sometimes and he wasn't okay with the way things were going. He was another person who wanted more than I was willing to give right now. I tried to make them both understand I had lost the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I just wasn't ready to jump back into something serious. That had all happened so fast.

"Wait you slept with Wilke?" Connor asked.

God he was so fucking blonde sometimes. I smiled. It took him a minute to catch that like he was going over what I said in his mind and it dawned on him. I hesitated. It wasn't something I was proud of or really wanted to talk about. I was a moment of weakness; I guess you could say.

"Yeah he was the one and only person I ever bottomed for," I said. I didn't want to go into the details and hoped he didn't ask.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

"What being the bottom?"

"Yeah," he said in a quiet voice.

"Not really, I don't see why you love it so much," I said truthfully.

"Some of us just aren't made to be bottoms," he sat up on his elbow and smiled at me.

He started kissing my neck and I moaned. When we started sleeping together again we made a pact never to leave marks on each other. This was hard for Connor to do. He knew how much I loved it when he sucked my neck but leaving a hickey not given by our significate others would led to suspicion. I knew though we could start this again as much as I wanted to go another round and as much as my body betrayed me as he ran his hand down my chest.

I smacked him on the butt playfully and he hummed in my ear. "Damn I love it when you get rough."

I smiled. I wasn't the one who got rough at times. That was all him. Connor was what you call a power bottom. He liked to take control during sex but he enjoyed being the bottom. I would try to bottom for him if he asked but he never did. He was satisfied being the bottom.

"Have to ever topped Lip?" I asked out of curiosity.

"No, I never topped anyone," he answered. "Speaking of Lip, we gotta get up he'll be home soon."

Connor kissed me one last time and got up off the bed. I heard the shower a few minutes later and sighed. I had to fight the urge not to join him in the shower. I knew he didn't want Lip to catch us in the shower together. I got up and found my clothes. I opened the night stand drawer to pull out a wipe from Lip's stash I knew he kept there, and wiped off my stomach where Connor had come on me. I knew I probably smelled like Connor, but I could just say I used his cologne. Lip had bought it before. I got dressed and went into the living room just as Lip was coming through the front door.

"Hey, when did you get here?" he asked as he through his keys on the table by the door.

"A couple of hours ago," I answered as I went to the kitchen for some water.

"No Colleen?" he asked as he appeared in the kitchen.

"No Adam and Macy are bringing her tomorrow," I smiled at him.

He loved Colleen and she loved him. He really liked it when I brought her with me. He was going to make a great dad someday. I looked up at him and he looked nervous for some reason. He was playing with something in his pocket and he had this goofy grin on his face. I watched him for a few minutes. He walked over and sat down at the kitchen table. I stood there leaning up against the counter.

"Where's Connor?" he asked.

"In the shower," I answered.

"Good I have to tell someone," he grinned from ear to ear as he pulled something out of his pocket.

It was a nice man's ring. It looked like he had spent a lot of money on it. He looked at it and smiled. It dawned on me what it was before he said it but when he said it I didn't know what to say.

"I'm gonna ask Connor to marry me," he announced.

"Shit," was all I could say. This was bad. If Connor said yes, then I couldn't continue to do this. It was bad enough what we were doing to Lip now, but I'd never sleep with a married man.

"Any pointers? I know you had a fiancée right? How did you do it?" he asked like he didn't hear me say shit like I did. He was in his own little word of bliss right now. If he was going to ask Connor to marry him then he was in love with him. I wondered if Connor was in love with Lip. I knew he loved him, but was he in love with him? Enough to commit to the rest of his life with him?

I didn't have time to answer as Connor came into the kitchen. Lip put the ring back in his pocket quickly before Connor could see it. Connor came over to the table and kissed Lip lightly. The guilt rose inside me when I saw them kiss. I crossed my arms over my chest. If Lip asked Connor to marry him, I knew I'd lose him for good this time and I couldn't let that happen. I had to do something to stop this but I didn't know what I could do.

"Well I'm gonna go shower. Did you leave me any hot water?" Lip asked as he got up from the table.

Connor smiled at him and shrugged. I watched again as Lip went up and kissed Connor. This time it wasn't as innocent as the kiss Connor had given him. I had to look away because I felt like I was intruding. They were always so touchy feely. If we were on the couch watching a movie Connor was snuggled up to Lip's side. In public they always held hands with their fingers laced together.

"I love you," Lip said as he pulled away from the kiss.

"I love you too," Connor said smiling at him.

I rolled my eyes. It hurt to hear those words come out Connor's mouth. I remembered how could it felt to hear him say them to me, but it had been almost two years since they were directed to me. If you really loved him Connor, you wouldn't be fucking me on the side. I almost said it. It was on the tip of my tongue. But it wasn't my place to tell Lip, so I kept my mouth shut. If I said anything it could backfire on me and I could be the one who lost Connor. Connor stood there and waited until he heard the bathroom door shut then he walked over to me. He tried to kiss me and I turned away. He had just had Lip's tongue down his throat and then had the nerve to try and kiss me.

"What?" he asked like he was hurt I gave him the cheek.

"Connor seriously? I just stood here and watched you make out with him then you come over and try to kiss me?"

He stared at me like a deer in the headlights. He really didn't get it. Was he really that clueless? Did he not see what was wrong with this whole situation? Lip had been a good friend to me and I couldn't do this to him anymore. I walked out of the kitchen and Connor followed me. I put my hand on the door. I needed to get out of here for a while to think.

"Where are you going?" Connor asked.

"For a walk," I said grabbing my coat off the hook by the door.

"Wait I'll go with you just let me put some shoes on," Connor offered.

"No I need some time alone," and I left before he could follow.

Once I was outside I got my phone out of my pocket and sent Daria a text.

 **Are you busy this weekend?**

 _ **No, why?**_ She sent back quickly.

 **Wanna come to New Haven?** I wanted her here for some reason. I knew he she came then I'd end up staying away from Connor the rest of the weekend. I needed the distraction **.**

 _ **Where would we stay?**_ She texts back.

 **Shit I didn't think of that…hang on…**

 **Can Daria stay at the house too?** I sent to Lip.

 _Yeah no problem…it'll be good to see her again_

They had meant when Lip came to San Diego with Connor this summer. We had gone to dinner and a movie with him and Connor.

 **Lip said you can stay with me at his place** I sent to Daria.

 _ **Okay but it'll probably be tomorrow before I can get there. I have some frequent flyer miles I can use**_

 **Daria I love you**

I stared at the words on my phone and hesitated. If I sent it, I couldn't take it back. I wondered if I was just saying it because of what was happening between Lip and Connor. Did I really love her or was I just saying it because I desperately wanted to hear someone say they loved me? The last person I said I love you too died and I hadn't even said it to my family since then. I was so afraid the same thing would happen to them. I erased the message and sent another one instead.

 **Okay let me know the details and I'll pick you up**


	20. How My Dreams Ended

**Connor (age 20, November, the weekend of the Yale Harvard game)**

Lip had bene acting weird ever since he came home last night. I couldn't help but think he knew what was going on between me and Jude. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on myself. I wanted to know but I was afraid to ask. I had said many times he wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but here we sat at breakfast before I had to be at school for the game with my parents and Daria. Anyone could see Jude and Daria were together.

I had to admit I was jealous. I wondered if Jude was jealous when I hung on Lip the way Daria was hanging on him. She whispered something in his ear and he smiled at her the way he used to smile at me. They way I'd seen him smile at my sister before she died. I was so confused and I needed to stop thinking about all of this and get my head in the game. I had to leave all of this off the field but I knew with everything going on in my head that was going to be impossible. I wanted to tell Lip I was sleeping with Jude and it was over. I just didn't know how. I could find the right words and now was not the time to talk about this with my family around.

I looked away from Jude and Daria as Colleen giggled. I tried to concentrate on her. Her giggle was the best thing I had ever heard. She was such a good baby and I loved seeing Jude as a dad. He loved that little girl more than anything else in the world. It was beautiful to watch him with her. It just made me love him more.

I was so distracted watching Colleen I didn't notice Lip until he grabbed my hand. I turned to look at him and he was down on one knee in front of me in the crowded restaurant. Panic rose in my chest as I realized what he was doing. I tried to control my breathing and just stared at him. I could feel people staring at us. He was really drawing attention. Attention I didn't want or need right now.

"Connor we've been dating a little over a year now and I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life," Lip started.

He swallowed hard like he was nervous. "Will you marry me?"

He held out the ring in his hand and I had tears in my eyes. But my tears weren't for the reason he thought. I couldn't do this. I wanted to bolt from the restaurant. I felt bad that everyone was watching me. I took a deep breath and blinked back the tears in my eyes. I had to be strong, I had to do this.

"Lip I can't," I answered. "I'm still in love with Jude."

After making that revelation I got up and ran from the restaurant. We were at a small restaurant not far from the apartment I share with Lip. When he had asked me to move in during Christmas break I had jumped on it. I had thought if I just tried hard enough I could love him the way he loved me but I just couldn't. I was still in love with Jude. When he had called me after Tamarin died I felt hope. I hoped we'd be back together by now but he kept saying he wasn't ready and he liked things the way they were. In my mind in other words he liked sleeping around.

I got to the apartment and went in throwing myself down on the couch. I didn't need this today of all days. I knew my head wasn't going to be on the game. I hated all of them for doing this to me. I got up and left Lip a not saying I'd be back later for my stuff. I'd have to find somewhere else to live now because I wasn't going to be welcome here anymore. I sighed as I stood at the door and looked around the apartment. I couldn't believe this was really over. A year of my life had been sent with Lip and I did love him. But I wasn't in love with him the way I was with Jude.

 **(later at the game)**

I couldn't concentrate. I was making rookie mistakes and everyone was noticing. I was unsure of myself and on the filed I was never unsure of myself. I was confident and sure of my abilities. I wouldn't have gotten to be starting quarterback and team captain as a sophomore if I wasn't. It was a position often given to a senior, but everyone respected me on the team. There had been a few that didn't like me at first when they found out I was gay but they had all graduated last year.

I held the ball in my hand a little too long and didn't see the game twice my size coming for me. I glanced up in the stands and spotted Jude right away. He was sitting beside with my dad and Macy in-between him and Daria. Daria looked madder than a hornet. I felt the pressure as the guy form Harvard tackled me, knocking the wind out of me he hit me so hard. I heard something snap, as I went down. He got up and I continued to lay there. I couldn't get up. I heard the couch call a time out and the EMTs on the side lines rushed to me.

"What hurts?" the cute blonde asked me.

"My left knee," I told him.

I winced when he touched it. They helped me at and I limped off the field with the help of two EMTs. Next thing I knew I was at the hospital. They had given me something for the pain in my knee and I was groggy. I had been in and out and had had several procedures like x-rays and an MRI. Now the doctor was in my room to talk to me. My dad and Macy stood by my bed on one side with Jude holding my hand on the other. Daria was standing in the corner by the window looking bored.

"Well it looks like you have a torn ACL, that's going to require surgery to repair. Full recovery form this type of injury is going to take at least six to nine months," the doctor explained.

"I can't take six to nine months off from football. I'll lose my scholarship," I said.

"You don't have a choice son," my dad said back to me.

"I'm afraid you'll never be able to play football again Connor," the doctor said. "Most of the time an injury this bad is career ending."

I sighed and tried to fight back the tears in my eyes. Just like that my football career was over. I'd be forced to leave Yale and go back to California. There was no way my dad was going to pay for Yale. This was all my fault. I felt like such a loser for not being more careful and letting my personal life distract me on the field. There had even been talks of pro contracts once I graduated and that was all gone now. What was I going to do with my life now?

Later that night I sat in my room feeling sorry for myself when Jude came in. My parents had gone back to their hotel. I had talked to my mom because she and her new boyfriend were watching on TV when it happened. She had said she would be here in the morning before my surgery. I had even told her what happened with Lip.

Jude sat down on the side of my bed. I knew what he was thinking when he looked at me. We had been here before. It was in the hospital with me in the bed we had decided to be boyfriends when we were thirteen. It was here in a hospital I had told my dad I was gay. It wasn't the ideal place to do that but at thirteen I didn't think about that. Now here we sat just staring at each other seven years after that day.

"I knew he was going to ask you, but I was sure you'd say yes," Jude spoke first.

"Jude what I said was true. I never stopped loving you. I tried so hard to love him, but every time I said it to him I felt like such a lair. Having you back in my life these past few months has been so great. I never thought we'd even be friends again much less…," I paused. I still didn't know what was going on between us. I needed to know.

"Connor I do love you, but I loved her too. She was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I can't just get over that as quickly as you want me too. I still need time and until I'm ready I think we need to stop this, whatever this is. Can we start by just being friends again?" Jude asked.

"Yeah I'd like that. What about Daria?" I was curious.

"She left. Saying she was going to visit her parents in New York for a while. I'm not going to see her anymore," he promised.

Jude laid down beside me and held my hand. We laid there for what seemed like a long time. Jude hadn't said there was no chance we would get back together so I had hope again. I would wait as long as it took. He was it for me. If I couldn't have him, I didn't want anyone else.

"You know this was so much easier when we were thirteen," he laughed.

"Yeah everything was easier then," I sighed.

 **A/N: So now you are well aware of who is who in the first chapter. What will Connor do? Will Jude ever see he belongs with Connor? Have we heard the last of Lip?**


	21. Lip and Other Mistakes I Made

**Jude (age 20, November, Sunday after the Yale Harvard football game)**

I stood in front of the door and stared at it. I had come here to help pack up Connor's stuff. Macy had found a small two-bedroom house to rent until Connor could be moved to back to California. Adam had arranged for Connor to finish the semester at Yale then he was transferring to school in San Diego. Adam and Macy had argued with Connor's mom about where he was going to go but in the end Connor put his foot down and said he was going to San Diego to be near me. I had agreed to be friends and it was a start. I was trying and I agreed the distance wasn't a good thing for us right now. I did want what we had back but I still needed time to grieve and concentrate on finishing school. And I had to all of this while being a single dad. Colleen had to be my top priority right now.

I finally got up the courage to knock and I waited. Lip came to the door in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. I still thought he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I had never seen him without a shirt on and I hated to admit my mouth watered a little. His chest was lightly dusted with the same red hair that was on his head. I moved my eyes down and noticed it got a little thicker as it led down into his shorts. I had to force myself to look back up into his eyes. He was smiling at me when I looked back up at him. He stepped aside so I could come in. He sat back down on the couch and picked up his book as I shut the door behind me.

I just stood there awkwardly. I looked down at the floor then back up at him. He was watching me with a strange look on his face. I didn't know what was going through his mind. I wanted to be there if he needed to talk but after yesterday I wasn't sure if we were even friends anymore. I still wanted to be friends but I had stolen his boyfriend. The boy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with had told him he was still in love with me. That had to hurt. Probably as bad as knowing the boy you loved was in still love with your dead sister.

"So how long have the two of you been fucking behind my back?" Lip asked.

I was surprised by the question. I didn't think he knew but maybe I was wrong. I didn't know how to answer that. Did I tell him the truth? I had never told anybody about what happened between me and Connor that day. It wasn't something I was particularly proud of and it had been a very low point in my life. I had sought out comfort in the wrong way.

"Since the day Tamarin died," I answered honestly. He deserved the truth. It felt good to tell someone what I had done that day. I had always felt guilty and like I cheated on her even though she was dead.

"So the whole time you pretended to be my friend you were fucking my boyfriend?"

Lip put his book down and got up from the couch. Our eyes met and he licked his lips. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen in my life. I clinched my fists at my side and tried to concentrate on the conversation. He came and stood right in front of me. I was clinching my fists so hard fighting the urge to touch him that I could feel my nails digging into my hand. I couldn't do this to Connor. I felt like such a slut and a bad person for even thinking about it.

"I never pretended to be your friend Lip. I am still your friend."

"Friends don't fuck each's boyfriends," he said with venom in his voice.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to keep happ…," I was cut off when he kissed me.

To spite the voices in head telling me not too and to stop him I kissed him back. He put his hand on my chest and backed me up till my back made contact with the door. I couldn't stop myself as I ran my hand down his chest. He ground his hips into mine pushing me further up against the door. His kisses took on a more passionate feel. No one had ever kissed me the way he was kissing me. No one even Connor's kisses were as good as this and Connor and I had grown up perfecting kissing each other. Connor had been taught how to kiss me and how to touch me. Connor had grown up learning that it had taken years to get to the point where we could play each's bodies like that, but Lip was doing it in a matter of minutes. He didn't need to be taught anything.

He pulled away first and looked at me. I knew my eyes were hooded as I looked back at him. I had never been this turned on by a single kiss in my life. All was doing now was smiling at me like the Cheshire cat. He was still pressing me against the door so I put my hands on hips pulling him even closer and ground my hardness into his. He hissed through his teeth and just kept on smiling.

"What do you have that I don't?" he asked me.

I didn't know how to answer that question. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say. I mean that was a question he should be asking Connor not me. I had been so mean to Connor. I had done things to him no one should forgive me for yet he still loved me. I wasn't sure I would still love me, especially if I went through with where this was headed.

"You must be really good in bed?" he whispered in my ear.

"So I've been told," I whispered back.

I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't believe I had said that with such cockiness. I wasn't thinking straight though. I was thinking with the wrong head and that was a big problem for me. It was something I did often. Sleeping with eight people in a little over a year was a lot, considering most of that time I was in a relationship with the same person. I had never cheated on Tamarin, when I was sleeping with her she was the only one I was sleeping with.

"Show me," Lip said as he kissed me again.

I pulled away for a second. "Wait two tops isn't going to work here."

"Top me like you top Connor," Lip said in a husky voice as he kissed my neck.

I flipped us around so Lip was the one pinned between me and the door. I ran my hand down his chest and slid my hand inside his shorts. I wrapped my hand around him before I spoke and stroked a few times. He moaned my name and I knew he was putty in my hands.

"Well you see Lip as you probably know Connor's a power top. So you show me how Connor fucks you," I said.

I stepped back and pulled my shirt over my head. I wanted this. I had wanted him since the first time I saw him at Connor's house and I decided I wasn't backing down. I pushed my doubts and guilt out of my head as Lip took my hand and led me to the bedroom. Once we were in the bedroom he started kissing me again and backed me up till the back of my knees hit the bed. Then he pushed me hard down on the bed. I pulled him with me never breaking the kiss. He undid my pants as he kissed his way down my chest. I moaned his name when he slid his hand into my pants. I took my hands, hooked them in the waistband of my pants, and slipped my pants down my legs to my knees my erection springing to life as I did.

"DAMN!" Lip said, staring down at me. "Now I see why. If your fucking Connor with that I never had a chance in hell!"

He licked his lips again and I closed my eyes as he wrapped his mouth around me. I laced my hand in his hair trying to push myself further in his mouth. He was no Connor in this department. Connor was the blow job master. I hadn't found anyone as skilled in the art of giving head as Connor. Just as I was about to pull Lip up the phone on the night stand buzzed. I glanced over and saw Connor's name and picture on the screen. Lip was so into what he was doing he didn't notice the phone.

"Lip stop," I said. When he didn't hear me I said it louder. "STOP, I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't."

He moved and I got up. Pulling my pants back up at firefighter speed. I left like I was racing to a fire. I ran through the living room and out the door not bothering to shut it behind me. Once I was safely in Connor's truck I screamed. What had I almost done? I clutched the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I screamed a second time and a lady walking her dog looked at me like I was crazy. I started up the truck and drove away.

Back at the hospital I walked into Connor's room. He was lying the bed with his book spread across his chest like he had fallin asleep reading. I knew he was still on pretty high doses of pain meds and was in and out most of the day. I walked over to the bed and looked down at him. He was so cute when he was sleeping. I tried not to laugh and wake him when he snored lightly. I had never heard him snore before. I reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear that had fallen in his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

"Hey," he said as his eyes opened and he smiled up at me.

I sat down on the bed beside him. I glanced down at his book. "Really Connor The Hunger Games again? How many times have you read that book?"

"A lot, it's a great series," he answered.

"The movies were good," I smiled at him.

"Have you ever even read the books?" he asked.

"No and I don't plan to. The books I read now consist of the complete works of Dr. Seuss," he tried to laugh.

"Jude what's wrong?" Connor asked.

I knew he would know something was wrong the minute I walked into the room. He knew me so well. He knew exactly what I needed before I knew it myself. I wasn't fooling anyone including myself if I thought I could get anything past Connor.

"I went to Lip's to get your things," I started. I wondered for a second if I should tell him what happened when I was there.

"So where you there when I called. He hasn't been answering my calls," Connor seemed a little upset that Lip wouldn't talk to him.

"Connor he's hurting. You told him you didn't love him when he proposed. Do you really blame him?"

He thought for a minute," I guess not. I wouldn't answer my calls either."

"He knows Connor," was all I said.

"Knows what?"

"About us. I told him everything," I confessed.

"Even about the first time?"

"Yeah, and Connor I was there when you called. Lip and I almost…"

He stopped me form talking with his hand. "I don't need to know Jude. Neither of you have to explain anything to me. He and I aren't together anymore and you and I are just friends."

"That's' very mature of you Connor," I smiled grabbing his hand out of habit.

"So was he impressed by your big cock?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "And there you go taking the maturity level back down."

"Come on Jude that thing is impressive," Connor argued. "Even you gotta admit you've never seen anything like it."

"Fuck you," I said pulling my hand from his.

"Not right now. I am on so much pain meds I don't like I could get it up if I tried," Connor joked.

"I don't need you hard to make you feel good," I joked back only half joking.

"Is that a promise?"

"Maybe," I smiled at him raising my eyebrows.

"You too are so cute," we heard a female voice say from the doorway.

I turned my head to see Shelby, Connor's old roommate's old girlfriend come through the door. I knew she was the one who had introduced him to Lip in the first place. I had always liked her though. She had been a good friend to Connor even when her and his dick ex-roommate broke up. She had even watched Colleen a few times when I was in town with her.

"How did you know I was here? Were you at the game yesterday?" Connor asked as she sat in the chair next to the bed.

"Hell no and chance running into Vince and his new bimbo," Shelby laughed.

"How you know I was here?" Connor asked repeated.

"I called Lip to see if you guys wanted to come met my new boyfriend and he told me what happened."

"Everything that happened?" I asked.

"Yeah even how Connor cheated on him with you," Shelby smiled. "I didn't tell him I already knew."

We both gave he the same questioning look.

"Come you guys. If Lip honestly didn't know before now, then he's stupider than I thought he was. I knew the first time I met Jude the two of you were fucking."

I wondered who else knew. I looked down and realized I was holding Connor's hand again. I hadn't even known I was doing it. It just felt so natural to hold his hand. Like it was what I was meant to do for the rest of my life.

"Yeah Jude, I knew too," Macy said from the doorway. "I saw the two of you in Connor's truck last summer."

"I can't have this conversation right now," I said as I got up from the edge of the bed.

"Adam's downstairs with Colleen. She's been hollering dada for the past thirty minutes," Macy smiled at me knowing I wanted a reason to leave the room fast.

"If you'll excuse me the love of my life is calling my name," I said.

I turned around before I left the room and smiled at Connor.

"You know I'm the love of your life. You are just afraid to admit it," he said.

I flicked him off as I left. I knew he was right though. He was the love of my life. I just wasn't ready to admit it to anyone.


	22. Goodbye New Haven and My Life Here

**Connor (age 20, November, Lip's apartment in New Haven)**

I let myself in to the apartment with my key for the last time. I had tried to do this when I knew Lip wasn't going to be here. I just couldn't face him. I knew how much it hurt to know the one person you loved more than anything in this world was in love with someone else. It hurt bad but at least he'd never have to see us together or hear his family talk about it constantly. Because for one Jude and I weren't a couple and in January I was leaving New Haven for good. It was so hard to believe it had only been a week since I broke Lip's heart.

"In the closet are the two suitcase I came here with," I told Macy.

Macy had come to help me pack up my stuff. It was just me and Macy here in New Haven now. Everyone else had gone back to their lives in California. When I told her where my clothes were, I got my overnight bag and hobbled to the bathroom on my crutches. I looked at myself in the mirror as I sat the bag on the counter. Admitting to Lip I was still in love with Jude had been the hardest thing I had ever done. I know now I shouldn't have done it in a crowded restaurant but I panicked when he asked me to marry him. I wasn't ready to be anyone's husband. I had some things in my life I needed to work out first. Maybe someday I would be someone's husband, maybe it would be Jude or someone else I loved, but it wasn't going to be Lip.

I thought about my relationship with Lip as I packed up my toiletries. I had wanted so much to get over Jude I had thrown myself head first into the relationship. Looking back, we had moved why too fast. We had met in September. By the end of September, we were having sex on a regular basis. It was great in the beginning and when he asked me to move in with him in November I agreed. Over Thanksgiving I met his parents and then Christmas at my house happened. That was when I realized I was still in love with Jude but he had moved on. In March, when Jude had called me after Tamarin died I had rushed to his side. I hadn't meant to have sex with him. I just wanted to be there for him as a friend.

"I see you've finally come to get your stuff out of _MY_ apartment," Lip said from the bathroom doorway, emphasizing the word my.

I jumped at the sound of his voice. I had come purposely at this time because I knew he would be at school. I wasn't ready to face Lip. I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't take back what I said nor did I want to. It was out there and Jude could choose to do with it what he wanted. I knew he needed time and I was willing to give him that.

"Yeah, in a few minutes the apartment will be all yours again," I said without looking at him.

"Connor, this is not how I wanted things to be," Lip said coming to stand beside me.

I looked at both of our reflections in the mirror. He looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in a week. He had stubble on his face telling me he hadn't shaved either. Those big blue eyes that were always so happy and sparkling had taken on a dull, sad appearance. I hurt me that I had done that. The sadness in his baby blues was all my fault.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked.

When he didn't answer I just asked anyway. "Why did you try to seduce Jude? You knew he had a crush on you ever since you guys met last Christmas."

"I wanted you to hurt as much as I do. I thought if I had sex with Jude then you would see him as a cheater and we could get past this…" he sighed. "And just be us again."

I sighed too. "Lip there is no us anymore. We have to move on from this."

"Move on?" he laughed without it going to his eyes. "Like you moved on from Jude?"

I turned on my crutches, grabbed my bag, and left the bathroom. Macy was rolling my suitcases out of the bedroom when I came out. She looked at me and smiled. I wanted to smile back but I couldn't.

"I'm just going to take these to the truck," she said.

I waited until she was gone before I spoke. When she closed the door behind her I turned and looked at Lip. He was leaning up against the door frame to the bedroom. Part of me wanted to just go over to him and throw myself in his arms and tell him everything was okay, but I knew that wasn't a good idea. I had to be strong. I was the one who broke up with him and no amount of comfort from me would make what I said better. He just needed time.

"Well you see that plan to make Jude a cheater would have backfired on you because we are just friends," I said looking at the floor.

"Aw Jude didn't rush back into yours arms when you ruined my marriage proposal by declaring you love for him?" Lip said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know what I had expected him to say when I said I was still in love with him. Is that what I had expected? I did want Jude back, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. And my heart ached when I thought about that.

"Wait one more thing I have to know," I paused and looked at Lip. Our eyes met and neither of us looked away. "How did you know I was sleeping with Jude in the first place?"

"He told you about that conversation uh?" Lip asked.

"Yeah,"

"Shelby told me. She called to see if we wanted to meet her new boyfriend right before Jude got here. I told her we broke up but I would be glad to come meet him. So asked what happen and I told her. Then she said she wasn't surprised since you guys were fucking behind my back," Lip answered.

"Did you really say that?"

"Not in so many words but yes. I didn't want to believe it, but Jude confirmed it when I asked him," Lip said as he walked closer to me.

He reached out and touched my face. I closed my eyes to fight back the tears forming there. Even though I had been the one who screwed, it didn't make this any easier on me. I felt bad. It wasn't that I didn't love Lip because if I said I didn't I'd be lying. I let the tears fall down my face as Lip removed his hand from my face.

"I should go," I said.

"Yeah you should before I do something I'll regret," Lip said back.

"Well I guess this is goodbye," I turned around and Lip opened the door for me.

I walked out and I could feel him watching me as I went slowly down the steps. I heard the sob escape his throat and tried to hold back my own sobs. I didn't turn around to look at him as I reached the bottom step but I paused. I knew once I walked out of the building I'd never see Lip again and I wasn't ready to let go of the past year of my life yet. Not only was I saying good bye to Lip, I was saying goodbye to my life in New Haven. A life I had worked hard to build.

"Connor, I love you," Lip said as I walked out the door to the building.

"I love you too, Lip," I said softly so he couldn't hear me. Even though I had said I was still in love with Jude, and it was true, didn't mean I didn't love Lip too.

 **A/N: It was brought to my attention that the last chapter was a little confusing. The whole thing about why Lip tried to seduce Jude and how he knew Connor and Jude were sleeping together. So I hope this clears that up. Lip's reasoning wasn't the best but when we are hurting we do things we wouldn't normally do right?**


	23. The Push We Both Need

**Jude (age 20, March Colleen's first birthday, his apartment in San Diego)**

I thought about today as I watched my little girl splash in the bathtub. It was so hard to believe it had been a year since she came into my life. I loved being her dad, but it had been a tough road. In the beginning I hadn't asked for help and had wanted to do it all by myself. Eventually I opened up and asked for help when I had to go back to work and couldn't be with her twenty-four seven. She was by far the best thing that ever happen to me and to be honest I hadn't even wanted to be a dad at first. Now I couldn't see a life without her. I had become that cliché. I even wanted more kids someday. I wanted to be a foster parent like my moms and who knew maybe my home would be someone's forever home like I had found with my moms.

Colleen made a big splash and it got me wet. She laughed. I loved to hear the sound of her laughter. It was better than music. I wished for a second Tamarin was here to see her. She looked so much like Tamarin. When she asked I would tell her about her mother.

"Dada again!" Colleen giggled as she splashed me again clapping.

Then she rubbed she eyes. I knew she was getting sleepy. It had been a big day for her. Adam and Macy had thrown her a big birthday party because they knew it was something I couldn't afford right now. I had told them it wasn't necessary but they insisted. It had just been basically them, Connor, my family, and a few of my friends who also had kids. My co-worker Gracie had been there along with Taylor, which had been a little awkward, considering I was sleeping with both of them.

I pulled my wet shirt off and threw it in the hamper. Then I got Colleen out of the bathtub and wrapped the towel around her. I carried her to her room and got her ready for bed. It was times like this I really missed Tamarin. She should be here to help me put our little girl to bed, to stand here beside me and watch her sleep. God I missed her especially today. It sucked that Colleen's birthday would always be tainted by the anniversary of Tamarin's death.

Just as I was zipping up Colleen's pajamas there was a knock on the door. I wondered who it was because I wasn't expecting anyone. I picked up Colleen and headed for the door. I opened it to see Connor standing there. He smiled at me and I smiled back. Colleen clapped her hands when she saw Connor and reached out to go to him. He took her from my arms and I stepped aside to let him in.

"I figured you wouldn't want to be alone tonight," he said as I closed the door.

He was right. I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts afraid I put Colleen to bed. Since Connor came back to California we had become friends again. We hung out and tried to deny the feelings that still hung in air between us. We hadn't had sex since November. He didn't push for more and I didn't know how to tell him I wanted more. I just couldn't. I was still so afraid if I voiced it I would lose him. It had been a year since I lost Tamarin. Sometimes I felt like I was ready to move on, but times like tonight I knew I wasn't quite there yet.

We went into Colleen's room and Connor kissed her on her forehead before lying her down in her crib. I smiled as I watched him with her. She loved her Uncle Connor and he was so good with her. I went over to the crib and touched her cheek. She smiled sleepily at me and then at Connor.

"Good night princess, I love you," I said as her eyes got heavy and we tiptoed from the room.

When we got out into the hallway I caught Connor staring at my chest. The firefighter program had been good for my body. I was no longer that scrawny kid he knew a few years ago. Today the man I had become could give him a run for his money at the gym. I knew he liked my body this way because he had told me many times in the past how sexy he thought the new me was.

"Like what you see," I teased him.

He looked away like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I went to my bedroom and he followed stopping to stand at the doorway. My bedroom was somewhere he never came into. I wasn't really sure why he never came in but then again I never asked either. I grabbed a shirt and slipped it on. Being around him shirtless was too tempting.

"Damn you had to ruined my view," Connor teased back.

"If I walk around shirtless I can't be responsible for what happens…" I hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Connor asked. "I miss us Jude."

I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how to respond to that. So I just let it go and walked past him out of the room, letting it hang in the air. Trying to drop the sexual tension that hung in the room lately when we were together. After months of not pushing Connor was pushing my buttons tonight. I knew tonight he wanted to see how far he could push me till I broke. He was tired of waiting and to be honest I wasn't sure why I was still holding back. I knew though tonight wasn't the best night to test the limits of our relationship.

A few hours later Connor and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. He had his legs stretched out across my lap. As the credits to the movie rolled I looked over at Connor and noticed he was asleep. I reached out and touched his knee lightly with my fingers. He still had to wear the brace but it was now just a small one instead of that big bulky one he wore in the beginning. He no longer needed crutches to get around, which he told me meant physical therapy was going well. He was an athlete so I wasn't surprised at all.

He had said earlier since he was on Spring break from school he wanted to watch Colleen while I went to work. He had never watched her for more than a few hours so I was skeptical at first to agree. I usually took her to Macy while I was at work and school since she was the only grandparent that didn't work during the day. On weekends mom and momma watched her. The twenty-four hours shifts this job required were tough. I was glad I had my parents and Adam and Macy to watch Colleen. I had called Macy and told her Connor was watching her and she laughed saying. 'I'll keep my phone on me at all times Jude.'

I glanced carefully fished my phone from my pocket and glanced at the time. It was 11:15 and I had to be to work in forty-five minutes. I got up carefully trying not to wake Connor. He needed his sleep if he was going to deal with Colleen all day tomorrow. She was a good baby but she had her moments when she could be stubborn as hell. If she didn't want to do something she would throw a temper tantrum and I secretly hoped, he got a dose of that.

After I showered I took the baby monitor from my bedroom and placed it on the table next to the couch. I turned it up full blast just in case Connor didn't hear her. He wasn't as in tune to her as I was and he had never spent a night with her. I took the blanket from the chair and put it over Connor. I left him a note saying bye and telling him I would be back around 12:30 tomorrow night. At the end of the note I wrote I love you and signed my name without thinking about it. I grabbed my keys and went out the door locking it behind me.

 **A/N: So Jude and Connor are pushing the boundaries of the friendship thing. The line is become blurry and Jude wrote I love you on the note. What will Connor think of that? Will he read too much into it? How did Jude mean it?**


	24. Honey I'm Home

**Connor (age 20, March, San Diego, Jude's apartment)**

I collapsed on the couch after putting Colleen down for the night. I wondered how Jude did this every day. I was exhausted. Colleen had woken up bright and early at six am. We had had breakfast and played most of the morning. Things had been going well until lunch time, when I had to call Macy. Colleen wouldn't eat and she decided I should wear her food. She threw it everywhere. It was all over her, me, the kitchen floor and the table. Macy just laughed when she got here, took Colleen, who was screaming bloody murder at this point, and gave her a bath. After she put Colleen down for a nap she left and I cleaned up the kitchen and showered. By the time I was done with that Colleen was up from her nap so I had no time to rest. We went to the park for the rest of the afternoon and a single mom tried to pick me up. Only when I told her I was gay did she back off. Dinner went better than lunch and Colleen only managed to get more in her mouth than on the floor this time. Then it was bath time again and I sighed as I walked out of her room after putting her in her crib.

I heard the sound of the lock turning but didn't open my eyes. I knew it was Jude. I hadn't even had time to think about what he meant by signing his note I love you. I was just reminded of it when he walked in the door and said, "Honey I'm home."

I tried to hide my smile as I heard him walk into the apartment towards the couch. The couch dipped a little as he sat down but I still didn't open my eyes. I had my head on the back of the couch and my feet propped up on the coffee table. My knee was killing me but I couldn't even get up to go to my truck for my pain meds. I knew if I took them I couldn't drive home and I wasn't sure how Jude felt about my staying the night. I had never spent the night here when he was here. Last night was my first night ever and he had been at work so it didn't really count.

"I see you had a fun day," Jude laughed.

I opened my eyes to see what he was talking about and realized I had forgotten to pick up the toys in the living room. I had meant to do it when I put Colleen down and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I got up to do it and winced in pain and had to sit back down. I took off my brace and massaged my knee trying to do a few exercises the physical therapist had given me to do. I had had the brace on too long and I had slept in it last night, which I wasn't supposed to do.

I could feel Jude watching me and I looked at him. "Do you have your meds Connor?"

"Yeah in my truck, but if I take them I'll have to stay here. I can't drive if I take them." I answered closing my eyes to try and fight the pain

He got up and I heard keys jiggle and the front door shut. Then it opened a few minutes later and Jude came in with my medicine bottle in his hand. He went to the kitchen and came back with two pills and a bottle of water. I took them as he handed them to me. He watched me like I was a little kid to make sure I actually took the pills. I sighed. Guess I was spending another night on Jude's couch but I was so wrong.

Jude came over and grabbed my hands pulling me to standing position. I limped behind him, without my brace my limp was very noticeable. I hesitated as we got to the bedroom door. This was passing the point of no return for me. I knew in the bed with Jude I wouldn't be able to keep my hands to myself, yet I let him pull me into the bedroom anyway.

We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. I knew what I wanted but I wasn't sure if this was Jude saying he wanted the same thing. I hadn't been with anyone since that weekend back in November but I knew the same wasn't true for Jude. It was obvious yesterday he was sleeping with Taylor. I'm not stupid. I saw the way she was looking at him. It was the same way I caught myself watching him when I thought he wasn't looking.

I reached out and touched Jude's face as I stepped closer to him. I was so close I could feel his breath on my face. We hadn't been this close in months and I couldn't help myself as I inhaled. God he smelled so good. I wondered if he tasted as good as I remembered, but I was hesitant to kiss him and find out. I watched as he took off his shirt and let it fall from his fingers to the floor. I ran my eyes down his chest, openly staring tonight and not caring if he knew it. The sexy man he had become was an even better and hotter version of the boy I fell in love with all those years ago.

He took my hand and put it on his chest running it down towards the waist band of his jeans. A moan escaped his lips and he closed his eyes. I dropped my hand when he let go. When he opened his eyes again he started to undo the buttons of my shirt. I made a sharp intake of breath as his hands touched my shoulders when he slid my shirt down my arms. I shivered as he ran his hands down my chest stopping to rack his finger through the small patch of hair that disappeared into my pants.

"Jude," I said a little more breathlessly than I intended. "What are you doing?"

"Ending our friendship," he said as he kissed me.

It had been exactly four months to the day since the last time I kissed Jude or anyone for that matter. I let myself get lost in the kiss. I nipped Jude's lower lip with my teeth and he moaned in to my mouth allowing me access to his mouth. As our tongues fought for dominance and stroked each other's, Jude put his hands my butt pulling me against him. I ground my hips into his causing a moan to come from both of us. I flipped us around so my back was too the bed as I kissed down his jaw line and his neck. I pulled away and took Jude's hand pulling him towards the bed.

He broke contact by letting go of my hand. I laid down in the bed and followed his hand with my eyes as he undid his jeans and pulled down the zipper. He slid them down his legs and kicked them off. Before he crawled in bed next to me I pulled down the covers. With one hand he undid the buttons and zipper of my pants and I lifted my hips so he could slide them down my legs. My eyes were getting droopy and starting to close. I was sad but I knew this wasn't happening tonight as much as I wanted too. I was too tired as a result of being with Colleen all day and my pain meds. The last thing I remembered was Jude saying something I couldn't quite make out.

 **A/N: So what did Jude say? Don't worry they'll be a Jonnor make up scene soon enough. Are they back together? Or does Jude just want sex? What did Jude mean by saying I love you in the note? Remember since Tamarin died he hasn't to anyone he loves them and now we've heard him say it to Colleen and write it in a note to Connor.**


	25. The Morning After

**Jude (age 20, March, San Diego his apartment)**

I sat in at the bar in the kitchen and watched Colleen eat. All I could think about was last night. I had almost had sex with Connor. I wasn't even sure if I would have gone through with it if he hadn't fallen asleep on me. I wanted to, don't get me wrong, but was I really ready for that. If we had sex it would mean, we were back together and like I said ending a friendship we had worked hard to build again over that past few months. I did want more, and I did still love him. But was I really ready to be more than friends with someone, or to have a relationship that required more than a fuck buddy?

Connor came into the living room and I glanced at my phone on the counter. It was almost eleven o'clock. When I had gotten up a little after six with Colleen, I let him sleep. I watched him as he sat down on the couch and put his brace on. If we got back together it would mean he'd probably be spending more nights here. I didn't want it to get confusing to Colleen though. I wasn't sure how much she really understood at one, but I never brought anyone home when she was here. Connor was different though. He was her uncle since Tamarin had become his sister when Adam adopted her. On the other hand, my brothers and sisters didn't spend as much time her as Connor did. Then again Callie was the only one who still lived in San Diego.

Connor came over and kissed Colleen on the cheek. "Good morning princess." She giggled. She loved Connor and I could see in her eyes the special bond they had between them.

"Good morning? It's almost afternoon," I smiled at him.

"When's the last time you slept in Jude?" he asked me.

I thought for a minute. "Maybe a year ago?"

"What do you say me and you spend the morning together tomorrow and let daddy sleep in, uh princess?" he asked Colleen.

She smiled and nodded like she understood every word he said. Then she offered him a piece of banana from the tray of her high chair. He shook his head and she put it in her mouth instead.

He came over and peck me on the lips. I was caught by surprise. He pulled away and smiled at me. He looked so happy when he smiled at me and I had to smile back. It had been two years since we broke up and it had been a rough two years for both of us. The burning question was, were we back together? I was so confused. I didn't know exactly what I was feeling right now, and I wondered how Connor felt after what almost happened last night.

"Again!" Colleen shouted as she clapped her hands.

Connor came back around the bar with a glass of orange juice in his hand. This time when he pecked me on the lips I kissed him back, because I was expecting it. He put his hand on the back of my chair and leaned against it.

"Again!" Colleen shouted and clapped.

"You like seeing me kiss daddy?" Connor asked.

"Tiss Coco," she said patting her chest with her hand. Coco was what she called herself since she couldn't say Colleen. For a one-year-old she had quite the vocabulary. She picked up everything we said.

Connor and I both kissed her on her cheeks and she giggled some more as she said, "Again."

"That's enough princess its nap time," I said as I got up and went the kitchen for a washcloth to wipe her hands.

I could feel Connor watching me as I washed her hands and face and picked her up. I really wanted to know what he was thinking, but I wasn't sure I wanted to ask. I wanted to know if he was as confused as I was about last night. I could chalk it up to being tired, because it had been a long day at the firehouse and I hadn't gotten my rest. But then again that was most nights, those twenty-four hour shifts could be hell sometimes. Once I was in Colleen's room I laid her down in the crib and went back to the living room.

I sat down on the couch next to Connor. I didn't know what to say to him. There were so many things I wanted to say but couldn't find the right words to say them. I had let the words I love you slip from my mouth last night in the heat of the moment and I wasn't sure if had even heard me. When I went to kiss him again he was out cold, so chances are he hadn't. I knew I had to stop being afraid to say I love to people I loved. Before I said it to Connor again though there was something I had to take care of and put to an end.

"Do you mind watching Colleen while I run an errand?" I asked.

"Sure, just let me go to truck for something first before you leave," Connor answered.

He came back a few minutes later with a thick book and his laptop. I got up and met him at the door. "I won't be very long." I said as I left.

Ten minutes later I sat in my car in front of her house. I had to end this with her whatever it was we were doing. She was the only one who understood what I had gone through in the past year. When Jack died in a car accident shortly after Tamarin's death, we just sought comfort in each other. We both understood what it was like to lose the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life loving. I knew she wasn't ready to move on just yet but I was ready. I had to do this for Connor's sake. I wasn't going to sleep with her while I was trying to work things out with him. He had done it to Lip and I didn't want to hurt Connor the way he hurt Lip.

I got out of the car and walked to the door. I knocked knowing she'd be home because she had said last night at the hospital she was off today. She answered the door and smiled when she saw me. She invited me in and we went to the living room. I sighed as I sat down. She came and sat right up next to me. With her it was all about sex and I didn't want just sex anymore. I needed more than just a fuck buddy and I wanted more with Connor. I had finally realized it was him I was supposed to be with and no one else.

"Taylor, we need to talk," I said pushing her back a little.

"Talk? Really Jude? That's a new concept for us," she sat back and looked at me like she was mocking me.

"Look Taylor, what we have is great, but it has to end," I said without looking at her.

"Are you getting back with Connor?" she asked out of the blue.

"I don't know. I want too which is why I can't have sex with you anymore. I can't cheat on him."

Taylor looked pissed. She wasn't ready to give up what we had. She pushed up from the couch with both hands. She couldn't get away from me fast enough, which was new. She was always ready to dive right in no matter when I showed up. She turned and looked at me.

"Once a cheater always a cheater, Jude."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked confused.

"He cheated on Lip with you and he'll cheat on you too. A cheater always does it again," she reasoned.

"Do you ever wonder what really happen that night with Wilke Jude? Did Wilke really "rape" him?" she asked putting her fingers in quotes as she said the word rape.

I had never doubted Wilke had raped Connor. It didn't matter anymore anyway. If we were doing this, we were starting fresh and leaving the past were it belonged behind us. I wasn't going to sit here and listen to her badmouth Connor. She had once been the captain of the Jonnor ship, as she coined us, no because she wanted me she was going to talk shit.

I got up from the couch and walked over to stand in front of her. "You know what you just made this really easy. Don't call me, in fact, lose my number. If you see me at the hospital, turn and walk the other way if you can. If we have to talk, there we will keep it strictly professional."

"Fuck you Jude," she yelled as I turned around to leave.

"Never again!" I yelled back as I shut the door behind me.


	26. Did That Really Just Happen?

**Connor (age 20, June, Jude's apartment, San Diego)**

I sat on the couch with Jude watching a movie. We had just put Colleen down for the night. I had never really left since that night I stayed to watch Colleen a few months ago. I had just gradually moved in little at a time till I was living here full time. All my stuff was in Jude's room, which I guess was now our room. Things were going so well for us, too well if you asked me. Things in my life never went this well. There was always something to ruin the good things, so in the back of my mind I waited for it.

I was lying on Jude's chest in between his legs and he had his arms around me. I was trying to pay attention to the movie, but he was trying to distract me by kissing my neck. I reached up and put my hand in his hair and closed my eyes. Paying attention to the movie was useless when he kissed my neck like that. I let a moan come from my mouth just as Jude's hand started traveling down my chest his phone buzzed in between us vibrating on my back. He stopped kissing my neck and fished it from his pocket. I couldn't see who it was from my angle, but when he put it to his ear he said, "Hey Gracie."

I had to admit I was jealous of Gracie. He had been sleeping with her up until a few months ago. I hated the fact that they were still friends, and the fact that he had to see her at work. It bothered me how she called and he just answered knowing where this had been headed. Even though we were living together we still hadn't had sex yet. I wanted to but Jude was still holding back for some reason. I had planned to change that tonight and Gracie had interrupted it. I tried to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"Jude, we have a problem," I heard Gracie say.

"What did someone call out? Do I need to come in tonight?" Jude asked.

"No it's not a work related problem," she said.

"What then?" Jude asked. I turned my head around to look at him and he shrugged.

"Jude, I'm pregnant," she announced.

"Fuck!" I said out loud. I sighed.

I got up and rushed into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed and noticed the tear in my eyes falling on my pants. I stared at the wet spots on my pants as I sat there on the edge of the bed. Jude was going to leave me for her now. He wouldn't let her raise the baby by herself; he was too responsible for that. I had been waiting for something bad to happen and her it was, stupid bitch. She had to have been trying to trap Jude by getting pregnant. I wanted to scream but couldn't because it would wake Colleen. How could he do this to me again?

I looked up and Jude came into the room. He sat down on the bed beside me and took my hand in his. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. He reached up with his hand and wiped the tears from my face. I couldn't look at him because I was afraid to. I was so afraid to even speak or hear him speak. Was he going to tell me he was going to her and I had to move out? I got up off the bed and turned my back to him. He followed me and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned around to look at him for the first time and he looked as broken as I felt.

"Connor, I'm so sorry," he said as he pulled me into a hug.

I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. I didn't ask what he was going to do about it. In this moment it didn't matter to me anymore. I knew what I had to do. I pulled away from the hug and he let me go. I went to the closet and threw my suitcase on the bed. This wasn't the first time I had had to live somewhere I had called home and I hated the fact I'd have to move back in with my parents yet again. This time though the screw up wasn't mine. This was all Jude's fault because he couldn't keep he fucking dick in his pants! I went to the dresser and opened one of the drawers Jude had given me, suddenly angry instead of sad like I had been before. I pulled out my neatly folded t-shirts and walked back to the suitcase.

"Connor what the hell are you doing?" Jude asked.

"Packing," I said as I placed the t-shirts in the suitcase.

"Why?" he asked with a confused look on his face.

"Because you have another kid on the way. I'm okay with Colleen but I don't know if I can handle another one. I had hoped someday that you I would adopt or something but this is too much for me," I confessed.

I had a hard time sharing Jude with Colleen sometimes and another baby would make his time with me even thinner. It wasn't something we needed right now as we tried to work things out. Colleen was different somehow. She was a part of Jude's life and I knew they were a package deal. If I wanted Jude, I had to accept Colleen too. I loved Colleen like she was my own child, but I wasn't sure I could handle another one right now with everything going on in my life.

"Connor wait," Jude said as he came and stood in front of me blocking my way to the dresser.

I could have gone around him but all I could do was stare at the floor. He put his hand under my chin and pulled my head up forcing me to look at him. I could see the hurt in his eyes too. He didn't know what to do or say to make this right.

"Connor she's not keeping it," he said with sadness in his voice.

"Then why the fuck did she tell you?" I asked. I hadn't meant for that to come out as harsh as it did.

"She is apparently about six months along and found out when she went to have an abortion. She wants to give it up for adoption and needs my permission to do that since I'm the father," he told me.

I sighed and sat down on the bed. He couldn't let her do that. Could he? I was so confused at the moment. To many things were going through my head. Jude closed the suitcase and sat it on the floor. I watched him as he sat down beside me and sighed. He stared at the floor like he was in deep thought. I didn't know what to say to him. He looked like he was struggling with this.

"Why don't you just take the baby?" I asked still kind of confused.

He turned to look at me. "Connor I'm in no place to take it. I barely make it with Colleen. I mean you being here has been a tremendous help. But I can't afford another kid right now."

"I'll get another job and help out more," I said surprising myself that it actually came from my mouth.

"No Connor, you are already spread too thin with school, your part time job at the sports store, and the way you have stepped up to help with Colleen. I can't bring another baby in to our lives right now. You need to finish school and get that teaching job first. This is the way it needs to be," Jude assured me.

I nodded. I knew he was right. I leaned in and kissed him. I needed reassurance that he wasn't leaving me for her. He kissed me back and pulled me down on the bed. The kiss turned passionate as he ran his tongue across my lower lip. I could tell by the way he was kissing me he was trying to show me he was with me and only me. As we continued to kiss he straddled me and we both moaned as our bodies made contact. Jude broke from the kiss and I watched him take off his shirt. He tossed it aside. I let him pull me up and take off my shirt. As we kissed again, Jude ran his hand down my back while grinding his hips into mine. I couldn't help but think back to the first time we had done this and my dad walked in. We had been in this exact position. It was the day out make out sessions began to escalate beyond just kissing. It was the first time I had felt his hardness against my own. The only difference was this time we were both adults and no one could tell us not to do it.

Jude pulled away and stood up. Locking his eyes with mine he slowly undid his pant and slid them down his legs along with his boxers. My mouth actually watered as he stood naked in front of me. I laid back and took of my own clothes and letting them fall to the floor in a pile. Jude kneeled on the floor between my legs and got something from the nightstand drawer. I noticed it was a bottle of lube as he squeezed some on his fingers and into the palm of his other hand.

He brought his mouth close to my erection and licked tip. His tongue flicking out across it was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. He wrapped his lips around me and sucked just the tip in the beginning. Then he gradually took more and more of me in his mouth. I moaned his name as one finger slid inside me. He continued to suck me off going deep and deeper in to his mouth. I clutched the blanket in my hands as he inserted a second finger. I bucked against his fingers a few times. I could tell he was stoking himself as he sucked me off. He hummed a few times sending amazing sensations through my body. I had never felt so good in my life. If I didn't stop him I knew this would be over sooner than I wanted it to be.

"Need…You…Now…," I managed to say.

He got up from the floor and I hated the empty feeling I felt as he withdrew both his fingers and his mouth from my body at the same time. I scooted back on the bed so Jude could join me. He crawled in between my legs. I put my feet on his shoulders and he slowly pushed himself inside me. God I had missed the feel of him inside me. It had been seven months since the last time I had sex and I had almost forgotten how good it felt. I pushed against Jude as he moved his hips. I needed all of him inside me. Soon our hips were moving in sync and he was hitting just the right spot.

I put my hands on his butt trying to pull him closer and deeper. My feet feel from his shoulders as he leaned down to put his hands on the sides of my head kissing me. I put my hands on my thighs pulling my legs back as Jude pumped in and out of me with a steady pace. As he hit the special spot over and over I dug my fingers into my thighs.

"God Connor you feel so good," Jude said.

He sat up on his knees and grabbed my ankles trying to push deeper then he already was, if that was possible. I reached down and took my hardness in my hand, pumping slowly at first. As Jude's pace picked up so did my pumps on myself. The room was filled with the sounds of our moans as his pumps in and out of me became erratic I could tell he was close and so was I. He withdrew from inside me and took himself in his hand pumping a few times. Soon we both came all over my chest, Jude actually shooting on my chin.

He laid down beside me on his back and we turned to look at each other. He smiled and I smiled back. We were both panting hard trying to catch our breathe. I wanted to say something but I didn't want to ruin the moment. Then Jude said the four words I had longed to here again for two and a half years.

He propped himself up on his elbow, looked me in the eyes and said, "Connor, I love you."

"I love you too, Jude," I said as he kissed me.

 **A/N: So Jude has finally told Connor he loves him again. Gracie has thrown a big kink in the relationship though with her announcement. What will happen with Jude and Gracie's baby? Were you expecting that? Let me warn you it will go along with the title of the story and someone will be broken as a result.**


	27. Am I Ready For That?

**Jude (age 20, August Connor's 21st birthday, San Diego)**

I sat at the table with Gracie in the restaurant waiting for the people she had picked out to adopt the baby. All I knew about them was basic information that the adoption agency had supplied us. I had let Gracie choose the family and she chose Tyler and Phillip. They were both pretty young. Tyler was thirty and a history teacher, and Phillip was twenty-two and worked freelance for a newspaper in town. They had been together for only for nine months, which kind of concerned me. I hadn't seen a picture like Gracie had so I had no idea what they looked like.

Connor had planted the seed of doubt in my brain and I wasn't sure this was the best option. I did want to try and keep the baby but wasn't sure I could handle two kids right now. Colleen was into everything since she had started walking and another kid would be more work for me and for Connor. He had been such an amazing help with Colleen but could our relationship handle another kid right now? Colleen was already in the picture when Connor and I got back together. This baby wasn't part of the deal like Colleen was. How could I ask him to accept it?

I spotted him before he saw me. He was walking towards us with a very handsome man by his side. Gracie stood up and greeted them. I made eye contact with the familiar red head from my past. Tyler was shorter than him and had dark hair. If I had had a history teacher who looked like him, I would have paid more attention in history class.

They sat down and Gracie introduced us. "Jude this is Tyler and Phillip Monroe. Guys this is Jude Adams Foster, the baby's father."

Phillip gave no indication we knew each other, so I played along. He looked good as I watched him while Tyler and Gracie had a conversation. I wasn't really paying attention though. All I could think about was the last time I had seen "Phillip." How good his mouth felt wrapped around my…stop it Jude, I told myself. I felt like I was heating on Connor just thinking about it. He licked his lips and gave me a sly smile. I had to look away quickly.

"So Jude Gracie has told her a lot about herself. Tell us about you," Tyler asked.

"What do you want to know?" I asked back.

"Anything you think we should know," he said back.

"Well, I'm twenty. I am a firefighter and EMT like Gracie. That's how we met. I have a seventeen-month old daughter from a previous relationship," I wasn't sure what to say.

"Any family history we should know about?" Phillip asked.

"I'm not really sure. My mom died when I was little and my dad went to prison for killing her. I spent a few years in the foster system before being adopted when I was thirteen. My dad died a few years after that, so I have no one to ask."

"Your dad was in prison?" Phillip asked.

"Yes, he was driving drunk and had an accident which killed my mom," I answered.

"Oh," Tyler said like he was shocked.

Phillip got a phone call and they had to leave ending the conversation. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I had thought I would never see him again. Now here he was in San Diego and about to adopt my child. What were the odds of that happening? I felt my phone buzz in my pocket so I fished it out. I looked down at the screen and saw I had a text from Lip. I had never deleted his number from my phone.

 _Nice to see you again Jude. Tell Connor happy birthday for me._

Asshole, I thought to myself. I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say honestly. Now I was really second guessing this whole thing. I didn't want Lip raising my child. I couldn't let this adoption happen. I had to do everything in my power to change Gracie's mind.

 _And yes I knew the baby daddy was you!_ Lip sent me another text.

I turned to look at Gracie. "Have you met them before?"

"Yes once. When I told them about you and showed them a picture Phillip wanted to meet you, so Tyler agreed it was a good idea." Gracie answered as she got up.

I watched her waddle out of the restaurant. He was up to something. I wasn't sure anymore if this was actually legit or if Lip was just messing with me. I needed to get out of here and have time to think and gather my thoughts. I knew there probably wouldn't be time for that though with Connor's birthday being today. His parents were letting him have a party at their place because it was way bigger than my apartment. He was just having a few friends from school and some other people we knew and he had promised it wouldn't get out of hand.

Later at the party I stood in the kitchen and looked out the window at Connor having fun with his friends. I felt so out of place with the college crowd but he seemed to be fitting in nicely. Earlier when I had first gotten here, he had introduced me to his friends as his boyfriend and had called Colleen his daughter. It made me smile to know he thought of here that way. After that Macy had come to get Colleen and taken her somewhere.

"Hey Jude," I heard a familiar female voice say.

I turned around to see Taylor standing beside me. I hadn't really spoken to her since that day she and I stopped seeing each other. I had wanted to talk to her several times at the hospital and then I stopped doing EMT runs and started doing fire runs. After that I didn't have an excuse to be at the hospital so I just tried to push apologizing to the back of my mind.

"I didn't know you and Connor still talked," I said to her.

"Yeah he invited me."

I could tell this was as awkward for her as it was for me. She handed me a beer and I took it. I just stared at it. I didn't really want it because I knew I was going to have to drive Connor's drunk ass home. I sure wasn't going to drink and drive like my dad and leave Colleen the way he had left me and Callie. I wasn't going to be that guy. We had made up before he died and were actually on good terms but the what ifs were always in the back of my mind. Even more so now that I was a parent myself. I wanted to know how they could be so careless when they had two kids at home who depended on them.

"I'm sorry Jude, for what I said last time we talked," Taylor said after a long silence.

"Me too," I apologized. "I shouldn't have been so harsh."

"I should never have said that about Connor. He loves you and I am glad the two of you are back together," she confessed.

"I love him too," I sighed.

"You always have," she smiled.

"So what are you going to do about Gracie?" Taylor asked out of the blue.

I turned to look at her with a strange look on my face. It was a how did you know about that face.

"I heard some EMTs gossiping at the hospital with another nurse. They said she was pregnant and its yours. One of the EMTs wasn't your biggest fan though. He called you a man whore and said you'd fuck anything with a pulse male or female." Taylor babbled.

"That must have been Liam. He couldn't accept the fact he was a dead fish in bed and I ended it after only one time," I said blowing his comment about me off. He had wanted to experiment with his sexuality one night and I had been willing to show him some things. He had never been with a guy before. It was the worst sex I ever had. I couldn't even enjoy it because he talked the whole time like he was nervous or something.

"So what are you and Gracie doing about the baby?" Taylor asked.

Taylor had always been my friend and I think somewhere along the way when we started having sex we lost that. I wanted it back but I wondered if we could ever be just friends again. I wanted to trust her and I really needed someone to talk to about it all before I told Connor. I had thought about calling Mariana later and talking to her. She never judged me the way Callie did and I was never really that close to Jesus because we didn't have that much in common.

"Well she wants to give the baby up for adoption," I said.

"And you don't?"

That was a good question. "I don't know what I want to do. I mean it is a good option. I am not in the place right now to raise another child. Connor and I are just getting back together and its going good. I wonder if bringing another child that isn't his into our relationship would cause problems. He called Colleen his daughter earlier when he introduced her to his friends. Can I really ask him to accept another child?"

I knew I was thinking out loud and not really talking to Taylor. But I also knew she was listening and it was good to have someone to just listen to me.

"But since Gracie doesn't want the baby, you and Connor could be the parents. He could adopt the baby legally, since Gracie will be signing over her rights."

I hadn't really thought of it that way. If we did that then the baby would be mine and Connor's. we would be the legal parents. That might work but I just wasn't sure we were there yet. Were we really ready for that kind of commitment?

"You know Lip and his husband are the adoptive parents Gracie has chosen," I announced.

"Connor's ex Lip?" she asked.

"Yep except he goes by Phillip now. He looked so formal and proper up next to Tyler." I laughed. Lip was anything except prim and proper.

"I didn't really know him but that doesn't sound like the same person Connor described to me when we talked."

"He wasn't the same person I remember. He had changed a lot."

I showed her the two text messages he had sent me after he left the restaurant. She turned to look at me after reading them from my phone.

"Jude I'm not sure you should trust him or Tyler," she warned me.

"My thought exactly," I said back.

 **A/N: Ah Lip has surfaced again! Do you trust him and Tyler? Is there interest in Jude and Gracie's baby legit or are they planning something bad? Should Jude tell Connor? Should they just be the baby's legal parents? Someone will be** _ **broken**_ **!**


	28. The Biggest Decision of My Life

**Connor (age 21, September, San Diego)**

I was sitting in the living room floor playing blocks with Colleen. Jude had gone to run some errands and I had said I would stay home with Colleen. I missed her and felt like I hadn't been spending much time with her lately. I had been picking up extra hours at the sports store to help out around here but I knew as soon as school started next week I would have to cut back hours.

Colleen knocked over the block tower I had built and clapped her hands as she laughed. I smiled at her and built it again. But my heart wasn't in it today, I was thinking of Jude. Ever since my birthday a week ago I felt like he was hiding something from me. He was acting strange like he was afraid to tell me something. My mind went to he had cheated on me with someone but I didn't really think that was it. I tried hard to trust him but with all that was going on with Gracie right now it was in the back of my mind.

After a few more times of knocking over the block tower Colleen started to rub her eyes. It was a sign she was getting sleepy. She crawled into my lap and snuggled to my chest. I just sat there with her in my lap. I knew with my knee I would never get up off the floor with her in my arms. Luckily Jude came through the door a few minutes later. He smiled when he saw me and Colleen on the floor with blocks all over the living room floor.

"Do you need help?" he asked.

"Yes please," I nodded.

He came over and took Colleen from me and walked to the bedroom with her. I picked up the blocks and got up from the floor. I sat down on the couch and turned on the T.V. to see what was on. Jude came back and sat beside me. He turned to face me and I turned off the T.V., knowing that the look on his face was his we need to talk look.

"I have something to tell you and I need you to promise you won't freak out," Jude started the conversation.

"Did you cheat on me with some girl? Or a guy?" I didn't mean to say it. It just came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"No, why would you ask me that?" he sounded offended.

"I don't know you've been kind of distant since my birthday. It was just a question," I said regretting asking that.

"I would never cheat on you Connor. I am with you and only you, just so you know," Jude assured me as he grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"Then what is wrong?" I asked.

I needed to know what the issue was if he wasn't cheating. He was scaring me to be honest. I had never been so scared of a conversation in my life. If he wasn't cheating on me or leaving me, what the fuck was going on?

"On your birthday I had lunch with Gracie and the adoptive parents," he paused.

"Yeah I know. You never told me how it went and it wasn't my place to push it."

I hadn't asked because really it wasn't my place. I was just Jude's boyfriend. I had nothing to do with the baby or Gracie's decisions. I knew this had to their decision not mine. I had a very strong opinion on it but I kept it to myself.

"Well they are a gay couple," he paused again. "Their names are Phillip and Tyler. Tyler is a history teacher and Phillip works as a freelance writer for the paper."

"Phillip is a writer?" I asked.

Jude nodded and looked at me like I was missing something. He waited for a few minutes and I tried to process why he was telling me this. I didn't really need or want to know all of this. If Gracie had agreed to give the baby to these people than they deserved to get it. Then it dawned on me.

"Oh, Phillip as in Lip, my ex?" I asked just to make sure.

"Yes the same Lip. He knew I was the baby's father too. He sent me a text after they left," Jude showed me the texts.

"He sent me a text on my birthday to say happy birthday. I just ignored it."

"Jude you can't let him adopt the baby," I said.

"Why? He was always so good with Colleen and she liked him," Jude answered like he was trying to convince himself more than me.

"He's just trying to get back at you. You don't know him like I do. He is a very vindictive person," I said. I couldn't believe this was happening. I didn't trust Lip or his intentions towards this baby. I didn't think he would hurt the baby but he would try to hurt me or Jude. I couldn't let this happen.

Just then Jude's phone started ringing. When he didn't answer it rang again right away. He fished it from his pocket and I could see Gracie's name on the screen. I sighed. What did she want? This conversation was far from done and she was interrupting.

"Hello," Jude said into the phone.

"YOU SORRY SON OF A BITCH!" Gracie screamed so loud I heard her clearly.

"Gracie what's wrong?" Jude asked staying surprisingly calm.

"They backed out of the adoption! Something about Phillip leaving for Boston without Tyler," she was still yelling.

"Well you'll find someone else right?" Jude asked.

"Not the point Jude! I liked them! I wanted them!" she yelled before hanging up.

Jude put the phone down on the couch and we sat there in silence for a few minutes. He looked deep in thought. I wondered if we were thinking the same thing. I thought maybe this was a sign we should keep the baby. I had been thinking a lot about it and I did want too. it would be a big adjustment but I was willing to do it. I just needed to convince Jude this was a sign.

"You see this is our chance Jude. It can be our baby. All you have to do is say the word and I'm in," I said, trying hard to sound confident about it.

"Connor this is a big commitment. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean I know you accept Colleen, but you have no legal rights to her. This baby would be your legal child if we do that," Jude still sounded unsure. "I can't ask you to take responsibility for my mistakes."

"This baby wasn't a mistake. It was meant to be ours," I reassured him.

He sighed. I could tell he was still unsure. I knew Gracie had already signed over her rights to the baby but Jude had yet to sign the paperwork to sign over his rights. The baby still legally belonged to him, so once it was born all I had to do was file a petition to adopt. Then I had a great idea.

"I want to legally adopt Colleen too," I said.

Jude looked at me and smiled. I already thought of her as mine. She was one of the best things in my life. Her and Jude were my reason for living and I wanted to make it official. I wanted to make everything official but I wasn't sure if Jude was ready for that. So I held off on my marriage proposal plan. He had planned on marrying Tamarin before she died and I fear he wasn't ready for another fiancée. I knew I had to wait for the right time for that and I was pushing my luck by even suggesting I adopt Colleen.

"Okay so we're really gonna do this?" Jude asked.

"Yes it's gonna happen Jude if it's what you want too." I grabbed his hand and looked him in the eyes to let him know I was serious. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared as hell. I was going to be a dad of two in a few short months.

"Yes I want it too," Jude smiled.

 **A/N: So Jude and Connor are keeping the baby! But it won't be all sunshine and roses like Connor thinks it will. After all the story is called** _ **Broken**_ **for a reason!**


	29. Happy Birthday Tarek

**Jude (age 20, October 31st, San Diego, Colleen, age 19 months)**

I was sitting at the bar in my apartment waiting for Connor and Colleen to come out of the bedroom. He had kept her Halloween costume a secret. All I knew about it was Macy had made it especially for Colleen and it was something I would like a lot. I had asked for clues but no one was telling me anything. Even Colleen who was so talkative these days wouldn't say a word. I could tell she wanted to tell me though and she almost had a few days ago before Connor came home and ruined it.

"Okay let's go so daddy," I heard Connor say as Colleen giggle with delight.

I heard her running down the hallway and when I saw her I smiled. She had on a pink shirt and over it was a pink crocheted pair of firefighter overalls. On her head and feet were a crocheted cap and boot to match. She twirled around showing me how much she liked it.

"Gigi, make fro Coco," she said. "Daddy rike?"

"Yes I like it a lot," I smiled at her.

I picked her up and we started to head out the door when my phone rang. I handed her to Connor and took my phone out of my pocket. I looked at the screen and saw it was Gracie. I sighed. She had been so needy in the past month. She had agreed to let Connor and I keep the baby but she wanted nothing to do with it once it was born. Which was fine with me. She even said she was moving back to Oregon to stay with her family for a while.

I swiped my finger across the screen to answer, "Hello."

"You need to get to the hospital soon. I here and in labor," Gracie said. No hello or anything just all business. That was all this had ever been to her, just a business transaction.

"Okay I'll be there as soon as I can," I answered.

"This is going really fast so hurry if you don't want to miss it," she said and hung up.

"That was Gracie she's in labor," I told Connor.

I knew Connor would want to be there too so I raked my brain trying to think of someone to take Colleen trick or treating. My mom was working tonight and mama was out of town. Adam and Macy were at a costume party and my only sibling who still lived in town was Callie. I decided to call her and see if she was busy tonight.

"Hey Jude!" she answered on the second ring.

"Hey Cal what's up?" I asked.

"Not much around here. Just watching horror moves with Cole," she answered.

"So I have a favor to ask you," I said.

"Sure anything you need."

"Gracie called and she's in labor and I was wondering if you could take Colleen trick or treating and maybe watch her tonight," I asked.

"Sure bring her over," Callie agreed.

An hour later after dropping Colleen and all her stuff at Callie's Connor and I arrived at the hospital. As we rode up to the maternity floor in the elevator Connor grabbed my hand. I could see the excitement in his eyes. He looked so happy right now. Me on the other I was nervous as hell. All I could think about were the circumstances around Colleen's birth, and I was scared. I hoped everything was okay and it all went as planned for this baby.

We stepped off the elevator and went to the reception desk. Connor still hadn't let go of my hand. It was comforting me to have him hold my hand. I knew he could since my nervousness in my body language. I could also see he was having a hard time containing his excitement, the exact opposite of me.

"Can I help you?" the nurse at the desk asked.

"Yes, we're here for Gracie Mendes," I said.

"Only the father can go in the room with her," the nurse staring at us.

"We are both the father," Connor announced.

I could see in her face she was confused. I rolled my eyes as she looked at Connor like she had no idea what he was talking about. She told us to wait a minute and walked away. A few minutes later she came back with another nurse.

"Hi, I'm Meghan. I'm the nurse with Gracie right now. Come with me she's expect the two of you," she said.

As we followed her she talked. "Gracie presented a few hours ago with premature rupture of membranes, and was already five centimeters dilated. I just checked her and she is at nine centimeters and almost ready to push. So you got here just in time."

"Premature rupture of membranes?" Connor whispered to me.

"Her water broke before she got here," I whispered back.

He nodded like he understood and we walked into the room. Gracie was screaming at the doctor to get it out. She turned to look at us and her eyes were wild. She looked like she was ready to throttle me if she could get up out of the bed. I went over the bed and Connor went to her other side.

"This is all your fault!" Gracie screamed between pants.

"I seem to recall you were a willing participant," I smiled at her.

"You know none of this would have happen if you had used a condom," Connor said.

Both Gracie and I turned to look at him. "We did genius! It broke!" Gracie screamed.

"Yeah Jude does like it rough doesn't he?" Connor announced to everyone in the room.

I didn't have time to comment to that though. Gracie started to push as Connor and I held her legs up. She followed the doctor's instructions but screamed the whole time. I could see the baby's head as it came out. Then with one final push the baby was lying on the bed between Gracie's legs.

"It's a boy," the doctor announced. "Who's going to cut the cord?"

Connor looked like he was about to pass out so I said I would. I had seen so much as a paramedic over the past few years that this was nothing to me. I cut the cord where they told me too and the nurse whisked him away.

"Does he have a name yet?" she asked as she laid him down under the heat lamp and started to examine him.

"Tarek Stevens Adams Foster," Connor told her.

"That's a big name for such a little boy," the doctor said.

"Yeah we have a weight of 5 pounds twelve ounces and he is eighteen inches long," the nurse said.

The nurse was busy cleaning up Tarek and I glanced at Connor. He looked so happy as he smiled and watched the nurse with our son. Our son, I liked the sound of that. Connor and I had already put in the paper work so he could adopt Colleen and we had a court date for the week after my birthday. After that both my children would officially be Connor's too. Everything was going so well for us right now. Gracie had been in complete agreement when we had asked her what she thought about Connor and I keeping the baby. The court date was set and soon Colleen would have the happy family she deserved. Connor and I were really happy together, but I waited for something to go wrong. My life was never this perfect.

"Doctor we have a problem," the nurse said. "He's not pinking up and his lips are turning blue."

The doctor rushed over to her and I ran form the room. Outside the room I saw people in nursing uniforms coming into the room and when I saw one rush in with the incubator I panicked. I bent do and put my hands on my knees trying hard to catch my breath. I couldn't do this again. I had watched Colleen fight for life in the NICU for months and now something was wrong with Tarek.

 **A/N: What's wrong with Tarek? Any guesses? Will Gracie cause problems for Jude and Connor, even though she was so agreeable? Can Jude make it past this and be strong for Tarek?**


	30. The Trouble with Tarek

**Connor (age 21, San Diego, shortly after Tarek's birth)**

I went out into the hallway to look for Jude but he was already gone. I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed his number but there was no answer. I was worried about him. I knew how hard it had been on him when Colleen was born. I had watched him sometimes from outside the NICU. He had never known I was there. This had to take his mind back there. He was so afraid to lose people he loved. At first he had tried to distance himself when he found out Gracie was pregnant. Then when I convinced him we could keep the baby, he had started to show emotion about it. We had set up the crib in the corner of our bedroom and had been looking for a house to buy. Jude's little two-bedroom apartment wouldn't hold our growing family as Tarek grew up.

I went back into the room were Gracie was and waited with her for news on Tarek. I wanted to find Jude but I knew at least one of Tarek's parents needed to be here for him. I glanced over at Gracie and she had tears in her eyes. In the months I had known Gracie, I had never seen her show any emotions about anything. Well except anger she carried with her from somewhere.

"You know it's not that I don't care about him," she said when she realized I was watching her.

"You just seem so angry all the time," I said.

She sighed. I didn't want to pry but I wanted to know why she was the way she was. I had spent most of my teen years angry at my dad for not accepting the fact that I was gay. He had eventually come around though and we had started to get close again. I knew Macy had a lot to do with that and he had realized with her help that he was losing me. Now he was happy for me. He loved Jude and Colleen and was excited for Tarek.

"I come from a very strict religious family. When I was seventeen and I graduated from high school, I left. I couldn't stand the way my parents treated me. As an adult now I see there was nothing wrong with it. I just didn't believe like they did. When my parents found out I was pregnant they insisted I give him up and come home. I haven't seen them in years and I miss them," she sighed again.

"I know how hard it is when you have a parent who wants you to be something you're not," I confessed.

She nodded as the doctor came into the room. I didn't like the look on his face and I knew he had bad news. I wasn't sure if I was ready hear it though. He was about to tell me something was wrong with my son and that wasn't something a parent wanted to hear. I braced myself as he started talking.

"Tarek has a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. This is a combination of heart defects found in infants and is very rare. His heart is not pumping blood the way it should. He is ventilated right now to help him breath. I have some paperwork for you to read over and if you have any questions I am here for you to ask. I have also called in a pediatric cardiologist to look at Tarek and we will know more then," the doctor told us.

"So can you fix it?" I asked as I took the papers from him.

"We'll know more when the cardiologist looks at him. Normally yes it is treatable," he answered.

I watched him leave and felt the tears stinging my eyes. I took my phone from my pocket and tried call Jude again. When there was no answer I called Callie to see if Jude had picked up Colleen but she still had her. She said she hadn't heard from him. I wondered where the hell he was and how he could just disappear like this when I needed him. When Tarek needed him.

"Still no answer from Jude?" Gracie asked.

"No and I'm starting to worry about him," I sighed as I sat down in the chair by the bed.

I put my head in my hands and tried not to let the crying overtake me. I wasn't ready for this. All I wanted was Tarek to be healthy and he wasn't. I didn't know all the details and I was scared. I wanted Jude but he was no to be found. I looked up at Gracie and she was reading the papers on Tarek's condition with tears in her eyes. I saw in that moment she did care.

"Mr. Stevens?" I jerked my head up as a woman's voice said my name.

"Yes," I said back looking up at her.

"Hi I'm Dr. Larkin, the pediatric cardiologist," she began. "I have looked over Tarek and his heart defect is very severe. He is going to need open heart surgery to repair the damage but to be honest I'm not sure I can repair all of it without a complete heart transplant. He's going to need blood but I understand he is O negative so he can only receive O negative blood. Are you the father?" she finally asked.

"No I'm not his biological father," I explained.

"What is your blood type?" she asked both me and Gracie.

"I am A positive," I told her.

"A negative," Gracie answered.

"Do either of you know where the father is?" Dr. Larkin asked.

"Not at the present time but I could find him," I said.

"It is imperative that you do so as soon as possible. I want to do the surgery in the morning and I will need both parents' signatures on the paperwork," she informed us.

"Okay," I replied.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

Gracie and I both said no and she left.

I knew I had to find Jude, so I left Gracie to search for him. Once I was in my truck I called his family and everyone I knew that might know where he was at the moment. I was kind of angry at him for just disappearing. On my last call I called Garrett, and he said he was at the fire station and Jude had come in about two hours ago. I started my truck and headed over there.

I found Jude in his room at the fire station doing one handed push up in the middle of the floor. I watched him for a few minutes before saying anything. He was shirtless and sweat beads had broken out on his back. I had to admire his body for a minute. He stopped and looked up like he sensed my presence in the doorway.

"Don't stop on my account. I was just admiring the view," I said.

He smiled and sat down on the floor with his back up against the bed. I went over and sat beside him. "Sorry it was either exercise or fuck someone tell they couldn't stand up straight."

"I would be game for the latter," I confessed.

"Maybe later," Jude promised.

"Where did you go?" I asked.

"I just couldn't handle it. All I could think about was Colleen's birth and I got scared. I walked around for a while and ended up here," Jude said.

"You walked here from the hospital?" I asked.

"Yeah it's a long fucking walk," he laughed. "So how's Tarek?"

"He has a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. The doctors think it's pretty serious and want to do open heart surgery as soon as possible. They need you to come in and give blood."

"Okay let's go," Jude said as he got up off the floor.

 **A/N: So Tarek has a heart condition. What will happen to him? Something will happen though because as you noticed Tarek is not in the beginning of the story. Will he die? Did Gracie decide to keep him? Did someone else adopt him? Any theories?**


	31. His Fate Is Not Up To Us Anymore

**Jude (age 20, San Diego, the hospital after Tarek's birth)**

I sat in the NICU waiting room with Connor and Gracie. The silence was getting to be too much for me. I had just given blood and was waiting for the pediatric cardiologist to come talk to us. Connor and Gracie had filled me in on everything she had said and I had read the paperwork three times already. This was bad. I wished I could just make it all okay for him. We could lose him for good if something went wrong in the surgery or God forbid they couldn't fix it.

I looked up as a woman came into the room and sat across from me. "You must be Mr. Adams Foster."

"Yes," I answered.

"I'm Dr. Larkin," she introduced herself and shook my hand.

She looked down and I got nervous. My first thought was she was going to tell us something happened to Tarek but what she said next was even worse.

"I don't know how to say this but your blood type is AB positive. There is no way you are Tarek's father."

My heart stopped. Connor grabbed my hand because he could sense I wanted to bolt at that moment. What the hell did she mean I wasn't his father? I had done the math and it all added up. It had been about nine months since the time with Gracie when the condom broke. It had to be a mistake. My knee started bouncing and I could feel my hand shaking as Connor held it. I looked at Connor. This couldn't be happening. He had made me care about this baby and now he wasn't even mine!

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes we checked twice just to be sure," she assured me.

She looked at Gracie. "Do you know who the father could be? We need to get blood from him. I have checked the blood banks and no one has any O negative on hand."

"The only other person I was with around that time was named Matt Newman," Gracie confessed. "But I really thought Jude was the father. I hoped he was the father," Gracie said as she hung her head.

"Can you contact him and get him down here?" Dr. Larkin asked.

I winced. Matt was our captain and he was married with a couple of kids of his own. I had heard in the past he had had some affairs with some of the recruits, mostly males, which was frowned upon but wasn't really breaking any rules. Hell he had come on to me a few times but I wasn't into bottoming ever again so he had backed off.

"I don't have my phone on me," Gracie said trying to get out of calling him.

I got my phone from my pocket, unlocked it, and handed it to her. She took it and scrolled through my contacts until she found the number. She took the phone out into the hall. When she came back a few minutes later she looked somber, like her best friend died. I knew she and the captain's wife were friends so this had to be a blow to that friendship.

"He's on his way," she announced as she sat down.

"So I'm not sure how to proceed here. This is a confusing situation. I understand the two of you are going to adopt Tarek. Is that correct?" Dr. Larkin asked.

"Yes," Connor answered. "But we thought Jude was the dad."

"Do you still want to adopt him?" Gracie asked.

I looked over at her and she was crying. I didn't know what to do in this situation. I wasn't sure if I still wanted to adopt him. if he was mine biologically I was willing to take responsibility for him but now was I ready for the kind of care he would need? Was this giving me a way out?

"Yes, we still want to adopt him," I declared. We will have to have his real father sign over his rights though before that can happen."

"Not a chance in hell is that happening," I heard from the doorway.

The captain came through the door followed by his wife. She glared daggers at Gracie. She knew about his extramarital activities but thought it was just guys so she was okay with it. The fact that he had slept with Gracie had to burn. I looked at the captain as Dr. Larkin stood to talk to him.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Larkin," she said extending her hand.

He shook her hand. "I'm Matt Newman and this is my wife Carlie."

"Okay this situation is time sensitive so let's start with a paternity test and go from there," Dr. Larkin said.

"I have a very rare blood type, O negative, so if the baby has that blood type then there's a strong possibility he is mine."

"I want to do the test anyway just to be sure beyond any doubt," she assured him.

She left with Matt leaving Carlie in the waiting room with us. She sat down next to me and I didn't look at her. She put her hands in her lap and sat very rigidly in her seat. Her back was as straight as a board. She stared at the ground and didn't speak. I didn't know what to say and I suspected neither did Connor or Gracie. The room the air in the room was so tense you could have cut it with a knife. I never understood that expression until this moment.

"You know he told me he was fucking you," Carlie said looking at me.

"I never slept with him," I told her.

"He has never cheated with another woman that I know of, at least. I mean I was okay with the other guys," she said looking back at the floor.

"He cheated regardless. How can you be okay with that?" Connor asked.

"I knew when we got married he liked guys too. I can't give him what he needs sexually. He was never really satisfied with just me," she said as a tear fell on her skirt.

"Why did you marry him if you knew that?" I asked.

"I love him, and I know he loves me," she said with a sigh.

I could understand that I guess. I squeezed Connor's hand. For me it had always been about Connor. Even when we were broken up I still loved him. I knew though I loved Tamarin too and if she hadn't died I would have never gotten back with Connor or been in this situation. I would have never cheated on Tamarin. We would have been happily married by now and raising our daughter together. Maybe we would have had another kid on the way. All I knew is if you were with someone and you really loved them you didn't cheat on them in my book, no matter what the circumstances.

I got up after that. I had to leave the room. Connor wouldn't let go of my hand so I dragged him with me. I couldn't blame him. I wanted to leave this hospital and leave all of this behind. I wanted to scream as loudly as I could but I knew this wasn't the place to do that. I wasn't sure what the future held for any of us but I knew Connor and I would never be Tarek's parents. I stopped walking and leaned against the wall. Connor came up and hugged me. I put my head on his shoulder and sobbed.

"I really wanted to be his dad," I said through my sobs.

"I knew. I did too," Connor whispered in my ear.

I could feel his tears on my neck as we stood there in the hall of the hospital. I knew now I would have to watch Tarek grow up from a distance. I wouldn't hear him run through my house or call me daddy. I had lost him and I hated Gracie for putting me in this situation. I was glad she was leaving and I never had to see her face again. I had never in all my life felt as broken was I did right now.

 **A/N: So Jude isn't Tarek's father. Did you see that coming? What will happen next? Can Jude pick up the pieces after this? Can he ever forgive Gracie?**


	32. Tops and Bottoms

**Connor (age 21, the apartment he shares with Jude, San Diego)**

I stepped into the shower. I had just come from an intense workout and the hot water on my muscles felt good. I sighed as I thought about how hard the past three weeks had been for us. It hurt knowing we would never bring Tarek home from the hospital. We had taken down all traces of Tarek in the house. the crib and all the baby stuff had been taken to Jude's moms' house to be stored for whoever needed them next. As much I had hoped Matt would change his mind, he didn't. Tarek was now a Newman instead of an Adams Foster.

I closed my eyes and let the hot water rain down on my head. I turned around and put my hands on the wall. I jumped when I felt a pair of hands run down my back. I pushed off the wall and turned to see Jude standing the shower with me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him hard. I caught him by surprise so it took him a minute to kiss me back.

He nipped my lower lip with his tongue and I moaned. My tongue flicked out and licked his lower lip requesting entrance into his mouth. Soon our tongues were expertly stroking each other's as I ground my hips into his and pushed him further into the wall. I reached between us and took Jude in my hand. After just a few strokes he broke the kiss and moaned my name as he threw his head back. Hearing my name on his lips that way never got old.

I got down on my knees in front of him. With him still in my hand I flicked my tongue out and licked his tip. I moved my hand away and licked down his shaft. I glanced up with my eyes as I took him in my mouth slowly. I took more and more of him into my mouth until he was hitting the back of my throat. He laced his fingers in my hair pushing himself further into my mouth. He bucked his hips into my face until every inch of him was in my mouth. When I had first started giving him blow jobs I gagged when he was this deep in my mouth, now though I had become an expert at it.

I closed my lips down on him and got some good suction going. I ran my mouth up and down him. He had a strong grip on my hair and pulled it. With his other hand he dug his nails into my shoulder. I could tell he was close by the noises he was making and the way his breath was quickening. I continued to suck even when I felt him release in my mouth. Once he was done coming I pulled away and stood up.

I stood up and put my hand on the side of his head. His eyes were closed and he was panting hard trying to catch his breath. I loved the look of ecstasy on his face. I kissed down his neck sucking his collarbone like I knew he liked. I got really close to his ear and whispered, "I want to try something. Are you game?"

I turned off the water and got out of the shower. Jude followed me as I stepped out onto the rug. I didn't even bother to dry off. I led Jude to the bedroom. I was afraid if I stopped I would lose my nerve. Once we were in the bedroom I pushed Jude towards the bed and he fell back on it. He laid on his back watching me. I knew he thought I was going to straddle him and take control like the power bottom I was. He didn't act surprised when I took out the bottle of lube and squeezed some on my fingers. He just watched me the whole time.

He knew exactly what I wanted and scooted closer to the edge of the bed. I couldn't believe he was actually going to let me do this. I had never topped anyone before and I knew there was only one person Jude had ever bottomed for. I also knew he hadn't liked it much, so his willingness to try it with me put extra pressure on me. I had to get this right.

I traced his hole with my finger before inserting one finger inside him. He tensed up and I knew I had to find a way to get him to relax. He wasn't used to being the bottom like me. I tried to think of ways to relax him. I looked down at him. he had his eyes closed and he was biting his lip really hard. From my experience natural instinct was to fight it. I wondered how he had gotten through bottoming for Wilke. Wilke was a power top. I knew he had probably hurt him but I wanted to make it pleasurable for him the way it was for me when I had sex.

He was still semi hard from the blow job a few minutes ago so he reached down and started stroking himself. That relaxed him a little more as I moved my finger in and out. I inserted another finger and he moaned. I wasn't sure if it was because of what I was doing or his stroking himself but I continued. My fingers were deep inside him now and I cupped them like he had done to me many times. He bucked against my fingers a few times and moaned. I scissored a few times and withdrew my fingers.

I put some more lube in my hand and stroked myself as few times. I pulled Jude towards me a little more. He put his feet on my shoulders like he had seen me do many times. I held myself as I pushed a little inside him at a time. Jude exhaled and pushed inside him more.

"God Connor does it always burn like that?" Jude asked.

"The first few times it did for me but I'm used to it now," I answered honestly.

I stopped and watched Jude. I was trying to give him some time to adjust. He wasn't used to having things inside him. After a few seconds I pushed further until I was all the way inside him. Then I started to move. Jude gripped the blanket on the bed with both hands and bucked his hips towards me. He bit his bottom lip and a whimpering sound I had never heard him make before escaped his lips.

The bottle of lube was within his reach and he grabbed it as I continued to pump in and out of him. I couldn't get over how weird this felt. I wasn't entirely sure if I liked it over not. I looked at Jude and he was watching me. I looked down at him stroking himself and I knew I couldn't keep this up much longer. All I wanted to do was ride him until we both came.

"Connor," Jude said breathlessly. At first I thought it was because he actually was enjoying what I was doing. Then he spoke again, "Get up here and ride me."

I withdrew quickly from him and he let out a breath neither of us knew he was holding. He scooted up on the bed a little and I straddled him. I leaned down and kissed him slowly letting my tongue slide across his lower lip. I could taste the blood where he had been biting his lip so hard. Jude held himself as I guided myself down onto him. Unlike Jude I didn't fight the burn, I had grown accustomed to it and kind of liked it.

I put my hands on his chest and started to move myself up and down. Jude put his hand on my hips and dug his finger nails into me. As one of his hands still dug into my hip, with his other he started to stroke me. He was so deep inside me and hitting just the right spot. I sat back a little and put my hands on his knees. He sat up a little and rolled his hips in time with mine. Our hips moved together so hard the bed was banging against the wall.

I called out his name as I came in his hand. I continued to buck against him as I rode out my orgasm and he came inside me. He collapsed back on the bed breathing hard. I got off him and laid beside him on my back. Once I had caught my breath I leaned up on my elbow and looked at him. He turned his head to look at me. I kissed him lightly on the lips.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said.

 **A/N: Well just a little Jonnor smut to lighten the mood of the story a little. Now we will proceed back to the drama. There are only a few chapters left in this story and they will be full of stuff. Up next, Jonnor will find themselves in a sticky situation on Jude's birthday. Soon we will also find out the rest of what happened at the beginning of the story.**


	33. What Happens In Vegas

**Jude (age 21, Jude's 21** **st** **birthday, a hotel room in Las Vegas)**

I slowly opened my eyes and looked around. At first I had no idea where I was or how I had gotten here. The room was dark but I could see someone in bed next to me. I panicked for a minute. I was lying on my back so I turned my head to see who was next to me. I didn't remember anything about last night so I was more than a little scared it was someone else besides Connor. I prayed to myself that I hadn't done anything stupid.

The person next to me groaned and the covers slipped down his back. I noticed a number thirteen tattoo on his back and sighed in relief. It was Connor. We had gone to get tattoos for his twenty first birthday. He had gotten his old high school football number in blue and gold on his left shoulder and I had gotten Colleen's name and birthdate in roman numerals on my collarbone.

I got up and went into the other room of the hotel suite. I found a small fridge and got out a bottle of water. Just as I was about to open it there was a knock on the door. "Housekeeping," I heard someone say and then there was some giggling that sounded a lot like Taylor and Daria.

I opened the door and saw Taylor, Daria, Damon, and Lance from the fire station on the other side. I stepped aside so they could come in. They came into the small living room of the suite. I watched them for a minute and it seemed like Lance and Daria had really hit it off. She was practically sitting on his lap. I had really been hoping Taylor would like one of them. She hadn't dated anyone since we stopped seeing each other and I was a little worried about her.

I opened my water and took a long drink. Then I paused when I saw it. When did that get there? Fuck I didn't remember. Then I choked when I heard what was playing on the T.V. I turned to watch the screen as Connor came into the room. What had we done last night?

"Connor Alexander Stevens do you take Jude Jacob Adams Foster to be…" a man said on the T.V.

Connor and I made eye contact and he smiled at me. He looked so happy and I could tell right away he remembered. I felt bad because I didn't. I was afraid to tell him I had no idea what happen last night. This was something I wanted to remember. Getting married was a big deal. It was something I had wanted my family there for and not a quickie wedding in Vegas.

"You don't remember do you?" Connor asked.

I stared at the ring on my left hand. Then looked up at him again and shook my head.

"I'm not surprised. You were really fucking drunk," Connor said sadly.

I felt so bad that I couldn't remember. I went over to him and put my hand on his face forcing him to look at me. I didn't know what to say I wanted so hard to remember making Connor my husband. I loved him more than anything in this world second only to Colleen. I had known for a while I was going to propose to him. I had had it all planned out. I had even brought it with me and I noticed it was on his left hand so I must have given it to him.

I took Connor's hand and led him to the chair next to the couch. I pulled him down in my lap. I had to find a way to make this right but I wasn't sure where to even begin. The others were watching us but I didn't pay any attention to them I just focused on Connor.

"Connor I love you, okay," I started. "And even though I don't remember I'm glad we did this."

"I love you too," Connor said as he gave me a light kiss on the lips. "I know it's not really the way you wanted it to go and it wasn't my intention when we came here Jude. You have to know that. So much has been going on in our lives lately, I just wanted us to blow off steam and have some fun."

"So refresh my memory. How did it go exactly?" I asked.

 _ **Sixteen Hours Ago: Jude**_

 _I sat at the bar sipping my tenth bar or was it eleventh? Hell I had lost track a long time ago to be honest. We had been drinking since midnight and it was now four in the morning. Connor was standing between my legs grinding his ass against me to the beat of the music as he talked to the others who had come with us. I smiled at who he had decided to come with us. Two of my friends from the fire station and Daria and Taylor._

 _God he needed to stop rubbing his ass against me. I knew he could feel what he was doing to me. He could feel my hardness against his ass. I needed to get him up to room as soon as possible. I sat my beer down on the bar and smiled at Damon over Connor's shoulder._

" _Let's get out of here so I can bend you over the bed and fuck you senseless," I whispered in Connor's ear._

 _He turned around and looked at me like he wasn't sure what had gotten into me. I never said things like that. I had also never bent him over the bed and fucked him since I knew that's how it had went down with Wilke. Wilke was a power top and Connor was a power bottom so that never would have worked anyway. Of course Connor hadn't known that at that time._

 _Connor took my hand and led me away from the bar. "Where are you two going?" Lance asked._

" _To fuck my boyfriend senseless," I yelled over my shoulder gaining the attention of the whole bar as we walked through the door to the lobby._

 _We made it to the elevator still holding hands. In the elevator Connor punched the number twenty which was the floor our room was on. I was standing in the back of the elevator leaning up against the back wall. Connor came and stood in front of me and our lips met. It was a passionate kiss. Connor nipped my bottom lip with his teeth and I moaned and rocked my hips into his. He put his hands on my butt and rocked harder pressing our hips together. The friction felt so good. It had never felt as good with anyone else as it did with Connor._

 _He pulled away from the kiss and smiled at me. Then her kissed down my neck and stretched the collar of my shirt at little with his fingers to suck on my collarbone. I threw my head back and closed my eyes. I put one of my hands on his butt in an attempt to bring him closer. The other I laced in his hair and yanked, like I knew he liked. I felt him growl as it vibrated on my collarbone but he never stopped sucking._

 _The elevator dinged and opened. I glanced up and realized this was our floor. Connor turned around and grabbed my hand as he led my off the elevator. I followed him willingly. On the way down the hallway to our room I stumbled and giggled. I knew Connor was smiling at just how drunk I really was. He had never seen me drink much of anything alcoholic. Connor opened the door to our room and we walked inside. Once the door closed he pushed me up against it and continued what we had started in the elevator._

 _Now that we were alone his kisses became rougher and more wanting. I pushed him away slightly and caused our lips to come apart. He took the advantage to slip his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor, never losing eye contact. I slipped my shirt over my head and pushed him backwards to the bedroom. He walked backwards across the small living room of the suite. Inside the bedroom door a pinned him against the wall. I slid my tongue in his mouth tasting every inch of him as our tongues danced together. My hands found the button on his pants and I undid them and glided the zipper down. I hooked my hands in the waistband of his boxer and pulled the over his butt. They pulled at his ankles and his erection sprang to life between us. He broke the kiss and kicked off his shoes. The look in his eyes was the look of pure lust as he kicked off his pants and boxers too._

 _Connor undid my pants and they soon followed his on the floor. We stood there in nothing but our socks as Connor ran his hands down my chest. He pushed my backwards towards the bed until the backs of my knees made contact with it. He was about to push me down on the bed when I stopped him. Not this time my little power bottom. I loved him being in control but the alcohol pulsing threw my veins had me feeling brave and the need to be in control tonight was strong._

 _I ran my hands along his chest and across his shoulders as I went to stand behind him. I knew he was intrigued as to where I was going with this. Once I was behind him I pressed my erection against his butt and rubbed it in between his cheeks. He let out a moan and threw his head back so it rested on my shoulder._

" _Do you trust me Connor?" I whispered in his ear._

" _With my life," he answered._

" _Close your eyes and don't move," I whispered making him shiver._

 _He did as I asked and I stepped away to get the tie I had brought with me. I went back to Connor and placed the tie over his eyes securing it in the back of his head with a knot. I could feel his heartbeat as it picked up. It beat so fast I almost stopped this but then I realized it was a good thing. He was excited to see what I was going to do next._

" _Lean over the bed," I instructed him._

 _He leaned over the bed giving me a nice view of his ass. I grabbed the lube that was sat on the night stand, from earlier in the day, and put some on my fingers. I inserted on finger at first into him. he bucked his ass into my finger and soon a second finger joined the first. I watched him as I scissored my fingers. He bit his lip and protested a little as I withdrew my fingers. I picked up the lube again, put some in my hand, and cover my erection with it. With my hands on his hips I slid inside Connor._

 _He put his knees up on the bed so he was on all fours and met my thrusts. I pushed down on his back and he relaxed down on his elbows. I could tell by the sounds he was making he liked what I was doing. As he opened up to me a little more I picked up the pace of my thrusts. I had Connor practically screaming my name in a matter of minutes. He reached down and touched himself. Watching him pump his and hand up and down on his erection and the feeling of pumping in and out of him had me so close. I tried to slow down._

" _Oh God Jude…. faster…please…faster…" Connor begged between breaths._

 _So I did as I was told this time. I didn't hold back. I pounded him as faster and as hard as I could. The skin of my hipbones slapped against his butt cheeks as he bucked his hips back into me meeting my thrusts. Connor came on the side of the bed and I had wanted to pull out and come on his back but I didn't have time. I shot inside him before I could pull out._

 _I pulled out and stood there behind Connor for a few minutes as I tried to catch my breath. He was breathing hard too. When he caught his breath a little, he rolled over on his back. He remover the tie and our eyes met._

" _Damn that was amazing," he said as I laid down on the bed beside him._

" _I was afraid you wouldn't like it like that," I admitted._

" _Why?" he asked._

" _Because of Wilke," I said. I hated to bring up Wilke. After all this time he was still a sore subject between us. I knew it hadn't been Connor's fault and I believed him when he said he had told Wilke no, but still in the back of my mind it still kind of felt like he had cheated on me. Wilke had taken something that should have belonged to me._

" _That was different Jude," Connor said as he turned to look at me. "I love and trust you. I never loved or really trusted Wilke."_

" _Connor can I ask you something?" I asked as I looked him in the eyes._

" _Sure anything, you know that," he said back._

 _I licked my lips. What I wanted to ask had been something I had wanted to know for years. Something that had always been in the back of my mind. Now with the alcohol coursing through my body I was feeling brave enough to ask._

" _Do you orgasm with Wilke?" I asked quicker than I had intended._

" _No, the only two people I have ever had an orgasm with are you and Lip," Connor answered. "Did you?"_

" _Did I what?" I asked confused._

" _Orgasm when you slept with Wilke?" Connor asked._

" _Yes, but I wasn't really into the whole bottoming thing. It's just not my thing," I admitted._

" _So he's the only person you ever bottomed for?" Connor asked as he looked away._

" _Besides our failed attempt, yes," I said still looking at him even though he was looking away from me._

" _Jude we should get married since were here in Vegas and all," Connor said out of nowhere._

 _He turned to look at me and smiled. I knew by the look on his face he was serious. Don't get me wrong I want to marry Connor and I had planned a whole proposal in a few months on Christmas. But he was right we were here in Vegas and getting married here and just eloping sound so romantic._

" _Connor Stevens are you proposing to me?" I tried to make a joke about it._

 _He got up without saying a word and went over to his suitcase. I sat up and watch him. His back was to me and I couldn't see what he was doing as he fumbled around in the front pocket of his suitcase. He came back to the bed with something in his hand. I scooted to the edge of the bed just as Connor got down on one knee in front of me. His hands were shaking as he kneeled there in front of me._

" _Jude Adams Foster, will do me the honor of being my husband?" he asked as he opened his hand and produced a ring._

" _Yes." I smiled as he kneeled on both knees between my legs and kissed me._

 _An hour later we were standing in the little chapel with a friends and the man that preformed the ceremony was pronouncing us married. We had come to Vegas to blow off steam and have some fun after everything that had happened in our lives and we were leaving married._

 **A/N: Sorry this update took so long. Life happened and I didn't have time to get to it. So now Jude and Connor are married. Connor is officially an Adams Foster! Only a few more chapters left in this story, maybe two or three, but it will continue in Shattered. Shattered will focus more on the kids though, mostly Sam and Misty. It will go up at the same time as the last chapter of this story.**


	34. An Adams Foster Family Christmas

**Connor (age 21, Christmas day, the Adams Foster house)**

It had been an exciting morning already as I sat in the kitchen of Jude's parents' house helping Lena with dinner. My first Christmas as a parent. I had enjoyed watching Colleen open presents and the excitement in her eyes had me nostalgic about Christmas when I was a child. Christmas had always been a happy time around my house. My mom made sure of that, even though it was just the three of us. Being an only child I was spoiled when it came to Christmas and I had to admit Jude and I had spoiled Colleen a little too. Seeing my daughter happy warmed my heart in ways I never imagined anything would or could.

"Connor, are you okay?" Lena asked me.

I looked up and noticed she was watching me. Then I felt the tears on my cheeks and reached up to wipe them away. I had always been an emotional person. One of those people who everyone could read my emotions because they were written all over my face. It was a curse and a blessing at the same time.

"I was just thinking about this morning and Christmas as a child," I answered as I took the paper towel she handed me.

"Oh, your first Christmas as a parent," Lena smiled. "I remember that Christmas well."

"It was a bit overwhelming but amazing at the same time," she said as she sighed.

"Yeah, seeing how excited Colleen was about Santa," I said.

Just then Colleen came running into the kitchen. "Gigi here!" she said as she grabbed my hand and pulled with all her might.

"Go," Lena nodded. "I'll be in there in a minutes."

I let my daughter led me to the living room where everyone was. I hugged my dad and stepmom. I watched as my dad sat down and Colleen climbed up in his lap. She loved my dad and the feeling was mutual. One of his worries when I had come out to him was that he would never have grandchildren. He had told me this later on when I was older and I remembered thinking it was silly. I had told him I could always adopt with my husband.

"So let's open presents!" Lena said excited as she came into the living room.

I sat on the floor at Jude's feet and rested my arm on his leg. No one had noticed the rings on our fingers or at least if they had they hadn't said anything about it. We hadn't exactly been trying to hide it. I watched as everyone opened their presents. Then it was time for our parents' to open their presents from us. I was a little nervous about it. I didn't know how they would react to the gifts. I watched my dad open the box and I knew Jude was watching his moms'.

"It's a DVD," Stef said confused.

"Play me," Lena read out loud just as confused.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me and Jude. Everyone was curious. I glanced over at Marianna who was smiling the Cheshire cat. She knew. When our eyes met she pointed to her ring finger on her left hand. I smiled back and nodded.

Everyone turned to face the T.V. as Stef put the DVD in the player. Jude grabbed my hand and laced his fingers in mine. I looked down at our hands and the rings on our fingers as the video began to play. I was still sad Jude didn't remember and it hurt a little. I hadn't realized how drunk he actually was that night. He had said yes and we had called our friends and told them the plan. I still wondered in the back of my mind if he hadn't been drunk would he have married me anyway. I knew he had wanted a wedding with all our friends and family there in his parents' backyard. He had told me later he had a big proposal planned at the bench by Anchor Beach. I was kind of sorry I had ruined it. I was pulled from my thoughts by a scream of excitement.

Everyone was hugging us, looking at our hands, and congratulating us. I got caught up in the excitement. When I finally got to hug me dad, I saw the tears in his eyes. It was something I had never expected to see. My dad didn't cry. I couldn't recall a single time I had ever seen him cry. All the emotion from him was new to me and I didn't know how to take it.

"Son, I'm very proud of the man you have become," he whispered in my ear. "I love you."

"I love you too dad," I said back.

"Well I think it's time for dinner," Lena announced.

"So my little Judicorn is the first one to get married," Marianna joked.

I laughed as Jude flipped her off playfully.

"Jude just because you are grown doesn't mean you can do that in this house," Stef scolded him like he was five.

"I just can't believe my baby is a married man," Lena said trying to hold back tears.

"Speaking of marriage Cole and I are getting married!" Callie announced as she showed off her engagement ring.

I was kind of glad for her announcement because it took the focus off me and Jude. Now everyone was focused on Callie and Cole and not us.

Later that night, Jude and I laid in bed together. He spooned me and I loved the way he smuggled into my back. I loved to feel his warm body up against mine. I was always the little spoon and I was okay with that.

"Jude if you hadn't have been drunk would you have married me in Vegas?" I asked quietly.

He was still and didn't answer so I thought he was asleep for a minute. Then he spoke.

"Yes, I know I wanted a big family wedding. And even though I don't remember I am happy your my husband."

I smiled into my pillow. "You know my dad told me today he was proud of the man I had become."

"I am too. I love you," Jude whispered in my ear.

"I love you too," I said back.

"Daddy, Coco bad deams," Colleen said from the doorway.

"Come on," I said as Jude moved over and I held back the covers.

She ran over and climbed in between us. As I turned to face her, I smiled at Jude over her head. He looked so happy as happy as I felt. Now I had Colleen snuggled into my chest. Her wild curls tickled my nose. There was no place on Earth I would rather be.


	35. You Can't Leave Me Like This

**Connor (the Jonnor house, Sept. 15 years in the future)**

Everything was happening around me and I felt like I was on the outside looking in. my world was crumbling around me and I was helpless to stop it. I couldn't move or speak and my heart hurt like I had never felt anything hurt before. Even Jude leaving me before I went to Yale hadn't hurt this much and that had hurt. I knew I needed to get up and put on a brave face for the kids but I just couldn't do it at this moment. The phone rang and I just stared at it. I knew this was _the call._ I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone. Answering the phone would make it real and I wasn't ready for that reality. So I just sat there in the middle of the floor on my knees and watched it ring until it finally stopped. As I stared at the phone on the floor, it rang again and I saw Stef's name light up on the broken screen.

"Dad are you gonna get that? It's gramma," I heard Sam say, but I couldn't answer it. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I watched as Sam picked up my phone from the floor and answered it. I could only hear his end of the conversation.

"Hello," he said.

"I don't know what's wrong with him. We just heard him scream and ran downstairs," He paused.

"Okay I'll get him there but it may take some time."

Another pause.

"Wait Gramma is dad okay?" he asked.

More pausing.

"Okay, I'll try," he answered her.

I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting on the floor. I had no concept of time right now. What seemed like hours to me may have only been a matter of minutes. I willed my legs to get up and do something but my body wasn't listening to my brain. It was as if my whole system just shut down. I choked on my own sobs as I heard Sam speak from beside me.

"Come on you gotta get up and come to the hospital with me, Pop. Dad's in the hospital and he needs you."

How did I tell my fifteen-year-old son I just couldn't face this right now? I needed time but it was something we didn't have. I got up slowly from the floor and grabbed the car keys off the table by the door. I handed them to him. He had his permit and would be fine as long as I was in the car with him. I was in no shape to drive right now. He took the keys from me as if he understood and I turned to look at my girls. I tried to smile at them but I knew I couldn't sugarcoat this. Something was definitely wrong.

"Take care of them Misty," I said my voice sounding foreign to me. "I'll let you know about dad when we knew something."

The drive to the hospital was silent. Neither of us spoke. I took the time to think. I had to get it together before we got there. I knew no one would expect me to be strong but I couldn't let them see me fall apart the way my children just had. I hadn't wanted them to see that but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't take it back now.

Sam parked and we walked into the ER to find a few firefighters covered in soot. One of them was holding his right arm to his chest. The others looked like they had a few minor cuts, bruises and burns. I saw Stef and Lena and we walked towards them. They stood up as we approached and I concentrated on Lena. I knew if anyone knew how I felt it was Lena. She was the wife of a cop after all.

"Do you know anything?" I asked not meaning for my voice to crack the way it did.

"No, all we know is he was brought in by ambulance. None of the other firefighters know how bad it really was. All they know is he was taken away in the ambulance after the house collapsed with him inside," Stef said.

A few minutes later the doctor came out to talk to us. What he said was bad.

"Mr. Adams Foster?" he asked me.

"Yes," I managed to say.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Mackenzie," she started. "Your husband was brought in from house fire. I'm afraid the news isn't could. He has some brain swelling for a hit on the head. Most of his burns are minor except for the burn on his right leg. It's so severe, he may end up losing the leg. He has a broken clavicle and we are unsure if the damage to his spinal cord will be permanent or not at this time."

She paused and I knew there was more. So I waited for her to talk when all I wanted to do was collapse to the floor and cry. I tried hard to even out my breathing and take in all she was saying. I glance over at Lena and she was crying. Sam grabbed my hand and squeezed lightly. I just held his hand as the doctor spoke again.

"Right now he is on a ventilator and has had extensive damage to his lungs form all the smoke he inhaled. At this point it is really just a waiting game to see if he wakes up."

"Can I see him?" I asked.

"Only for a few minutes, we'll be moving him up to the ICU in a few minutes," she said.

I let go of Sam's hand and followed through a set of double doors to the room Jude was in. As soon as she left I sat down in the chair next to the bed and held Jude's hand. I didn't know what to say or if he could even hear me. I just started to talk.

"Jude I love you and please don't leave me. I need you and the kids need you. I can't do this without you by my side." And that was when I started sobbing.

I just sat there holding his hand until the nurse came to take him to ICU. He had to be okay. I couldn't live without him. He was my life. I thought back to when Tamarin died. If Jude felt half as broken as I felt right now, then I hated that he had to go through this pain. How bad would it get if he actually died?

 **A/N: Oh two chapters in one day! Okay so we found out what happen to Jude. He's hurt pretty bad but don't worry he'll survive. I couldn't do that to Connor. Although his survival will have complications that will change their world forever. There will be one more chapter of this and then it will continue in the sequel called Shattered.**


	36. Happily Ever After Doesn't Exist For Us

**Connor (age 29, October, 15 years in the future, San Diego)**

It had been three weeks since the accident. As I sat in his hospital room holding his hand I thought about all the things he was missing. The kids and I had been in several nights a week to have dinner in his room since he was moved out of ICU. The kids had even started doing their homework in this room. The only one who didn't understand was Kourtney. When I brought her in she would just lie in the bed next to him. The brain swelling was gone and the doctors had no idea why he hadn't woken up by now. His primary care doctor said I should prepare myself for the fact that he may never wake up but I refused to give up hope. I hoped he would come back to me and our kids.

"I need you to come back to us Jude. You know you missed Kourtney's birthday party. She missed you so much. I know you were looking forward to it so much. Sam is failing science without you there to help him. you know that was never my strongest subject. The paperwork came through to adopt Misty today. We just need you to wake up so we can officially make her an Adams Foster. Oh and I have other good news. Marianna is pregnant, so that means the IVF worked and I'll have a biological child of my own like you have Colleen," I trailed off as the nurse came in.

"No kids today?" Alyssa asked.

"No the older ones had other things to do and I left Kourtney with my stepmom," I answered.

"She seems to have a really hard time seeing him like this," Alyssa said as she adjusted Jude's IV.

"Yeah when we got her as a foster child she was the only survivor of a house fire. So I'm sure this brings back memories," I explained. "Jude actually saved her life."

"Wow that explains the bond she seems to have with him."

"Yeah," I sighed. It was a bond I would never have with her. She had only been two so I wasn't sure how much she actually remembered but with a traumatic experience like that I guess you always remembered. Even if it was just subconsciously.

I watched her checking vitals and leave the room. Once she was gone I sighed again. I had things I needed to do but life seemed to have no meaning without Jude in it. I went through the motions but my heart wasn't in anything. It was always here in this hospital room. I listened to the heart monitor telling me Jude's heart was still beating. Yesterday the doctor had done a brain activity scan and his brain activity was normal. He had months of physical therapy ahead of him once he woke up. For his back and learning to use the prostatic leg they would eventually fit him for. Everything was healing like it was supposed to but he just wasn't waking up.

I did something then I hadn't done yet. I remembered when I had been shot in the foot how Jude laid in the hospital bed with me. I put the rail down and moved him over a little bit. As I crawled in next to him I thought about how much easier this had been when we were thirteen and not grown men, but I needed to be beside him. I put my hand on his chest and felt his chest rise and fall for a few minutes. Then I stroked him hair and kiss his forehead. As I did that his pulse quickened a little. Tears slid down my face as I thought about what the doctors were saying. They didn't understand what this man meant to me. He was my best friend. The only man I had ever loved and if he left me for good I wasn't sure how my life would go on.

Then he stirred beside me. The moment was subtle a first and I was sure I imagined it. His hand moved up and touched my face to wipe away the tears streaming down my face and I jumped almost failing from the bed. I sat up and looked at him as his eyes flutter on and he looked at me. I just stared at him. It was so good to see his eyes focused on me that I didn't want to ruin the moment by calling the nurse, even though I knew I should.

"I love you," Jude said hoarsely.

It was so good to hear him say it. Those were words I was beginning to accept I may never hear again. I hit the call button but never broke eye contact. I didn't say anything as Alyssa came into the room. She looked at me.

"Did you need something?" she asked me.

"He's awake," was all I managed to say.

She looked over at him and I could see by the smile on her face I hadn't imagined it. He was really awake. I sighed in relief because no matter what happened now I knew he was going to make it. It wouldn't be easy but we would face it together.

"My leg hurts," Jude choked out his voice still hoarse.

Alyssa went to examine his left leg and massage it and he said, "No the right one."

I looked at Alyssa confused as she showed him there was no right leg to be in pain. It was gone just below the knee.

"What your experiencing is called phantom limb pain. It's very common when you lose a limb the way you did," Alyssa explained.

"What happened to my leg?" he asked.

"You don't remember?" I asked.

"No, the last thing I remember is going to a house fire and then I woke up here," he said.

"Okay that is okay if you don't remember. It was a very traumatic thing and sometimes we block those out," Alyssa said as she pulled the covers back up. "I'm going to call the doctor and let him know you're awake."

Jude nodded and we both watched her leave. I sat back down on the bed beside him and he reached for my hand. His eyes closed for a few seconds and then he opened them again. He looked confused and I could tell he had something he wanted to ask. Then what he said confused even me.

"Connor, what happened to my leg?"

"Don't you remember what the nurse just told you?" I asked.

"No," he answered.

"It was burned very badly and they had to amputate it, Jude," I explained to him again.

He looked lost for a minute and I couldn't tell why. Our gaze was interrupted when the doctor came into the room. I got up and stood at the foot of the bed as the doctor examined Jude. I wondered why he had asked me that when he knew what Alyssa had said.

"What happened to my leg?" he asked again, this time to the doctor.

"I've already told him and so did Alyssa," I told the doctor.

"Jude, do you remember my name?" the doctor asked him. "I told you when I first came in."

"No," Jude answered.

"Jude your leg was burned beyond repair and we had to amputate it below the knee," the doctor explained to Jude again.

"Can you sit up for me?" the doctor asked him.

I watched as Jude sat up with the doctors help. Our eyes locked for a minute and then he looked down at his leg as if he was seeing it for the first time. It had healed good and they had removed the stitches two days ago leaving behind a nasty looking scar. He looked up at the doctor who was helping him lay back down with the same confused look on his face he had given me a few minutes ago.

"Where's my leg?" he asked again.

The doctor explained it to him again and then turned to me. "Can we speak outside?"

I nodded and followed him. Once we were outside the room he spoke.

"I want to perform some more tests to be sure, but I think Jude is suffering from short term memory loss. He can remember everything before the accident but nothing after. He can't hold on to any new memories. I believe it may have been caused from lack of oxygen when he was in the house fire," the doctor explained.

I just nodded. "Will he recover from this?"

"He can and there are strategies we can try to help him recover his short term memory. It will require extensive rehab on top of all the rehab for his back and leg. If I am right, we will have talk about finding a rehab facility that can deal with all the help he needs."

I just nodded. This was all too much to take in. Now not only did we have to deal with Jude learning to walk again he had a brain injury that may or may not be permanent. I was scared to death because this was so much added expense and I had no idea how we were going to make it on just my teacher's salary.

 **A/N: Poor Jude and Connor! No one said it was going to be easy. Good news is Jude's awake. This story has come to an end but continues in Shattered. Shattered is mostly from Sam's and Misty's point of view. There will be some Connor and Jude as well as Max, who is Sam's friend and love interest and Sutton, who is Misty's crush and a nurse working for the family. Be sure to look for it on my page.**


	37. Coming Soon: Shattered (summary)

**Coming soon: Shattered the sequel to Broken**

Sam Adams Foster is a 16 boy struggling with identity issues. He has always known he was different. When he meets Max Bennett, the new kid at Anchor Beach, he falls instantly in love. He and Max become instant friends but something more is bubbling on the surface. When things start to become more than just friendship can Sam trust him with his secret? Or will Max turn and run when he finds out?

Misty Sheppard has always been known as the crazy foster kid. She has had more than her fair share of disappointments in her life. Her new foster parents want to adopt her. She is so afraid she will do something to mess up the happy family she has finally found. At 17 she messes everything up in life and when she tries to seduce the 24 year old Sutton Kendrick, the nurse of her foster dad Jude, it is no exception. Can she get anything right?

 **Be sure to read so you can see what happens with Jude and Connor and see what drama their kids cause!**


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